Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Eggo ROFL's

(NOTE: the title has really, nothing to do with what follows. But come on, “Eggo ROFL”s? ROFLMAO! Seriously tho, this is actually about the apocalypse)

I bought some Eggo waffles last night, because if you have access to news stories, you know that there’s only so much time. Soon there will be no more Eggo’s to leggo, and if you, like me, have been taking Eggo waffle availability for granted, now’s the time to make some semblance of amends. However, after a little bit of research, it dawned on me that this Eggo shortage is not to be taken lightly, no sir. For the lack of Eggo waffles appears to be the first tiny pebbles in the avalanche that signals the end of our civilization. Am I blowing this out of proportion? F no. Observe…

Seven signs of the Apocalypse:

1. A False Prophet will rise
2. War and rumors of wars
3. Famines
4. Earthquakes
5. Persecutions and tortures to the elect
6. Lawlessness
7. This good news of the kingdom will be proclaimed to the whole world

Famines! See? It’s all right there! This fits exactly into the popular theory of “if you can’t eat waffles, what’s the point of eating”, and will make the earthquakes that follow seem like a comparative relief. I imagine the phrasing of “famine” is deliberately vague because the original prophets were unsure which specific brand of waffle would fall victim. If that doesn’t give you the chills, look a little lower on your internet browser.

The Book of Revelation also, when actually read, reveals much about our current situation. Therein, a particular harrowing quote is found; “I looked beyond into the great white into nothingness. A great flash bestowed upon my fasting eyes and unto humanity. Judgment Day has come, and there are no waffles.”(Daniel 10:2ff) Also, the book of Genesis also speaks of an “Angel” bringing forth the apocalypse. Perhaps not coincidentally, the angel is either indifferent or unlearned of waffles.

The Mayans are known for their precise calendar making and also somehow future predicting. Thus, 2012 has been marked as the end of days due to their ending the calendars that year. What people pay way less attention to is their mark for what’s gonna happen in 2010. Let’s take a look…

“2010 – Waffles gone. Panic sets in.

2012 - Apocalypse” – The Mayans

Creepy, right? It’s not just the Mayans either. Nostradamus has strikingly similar accounts.

“2010 – No more waffles. Humanity disconcerned.

2012 – Apocalypse” – Nostradamus

And if that’s not enough, look immediately below…

Yes, this is an artistic rendering of what the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse definitely look like, but think back to all we as a society have come to know about these four gentlemen. They signal doom, judgment, the end of days, and also…you guessed it…are never holding waffles. Yes, there are several different interpretations of the Four Horsemen and their specific characteristics but think about it, no one ever mentions waffles being present. If this didn’t seem so conclusive, I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing.

But there’s more…

Witness the above screen cap from Roland Emmerich’s November summer blockbuster 2012. If there's one guy who knows his apocalypses, it's Roland Emmerich. Thus, I think he would have a pretty good idea of what things would look like immediately before the world ends.

Do you see waffles? I sure don’t.

Indeed, every depiction of the end of days reveals a complete lack of waffles. I don’t mean to freak you out, society, but this is all hard to ignore. However, heed these words not as doom, but as perspective; a warning not to take our current breakfast pastries for granted. Whether used to sandwich eggs and bacon or doused in the good lady Jemima’s nectar, enjoy those Eggos now. They may be delicious, but sometimes delicious also implies world-ending. (See: nothing)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

ABC Family's 25 Days of Misguided Promotion

The Christmas Season has arrived, it being post-Labor Day and all, and far be it for ABC Family to not promote their 25 Days of Christmas programming orgy. As such, a whimsical insert was placed in every copy of AM New York (cranky NY commuters between 24-65 being the clear target demographic for ABC Family) on Tuesday, December 1st carrying adorable news stories such as “Elves on Strike”, “Santa on Vacation”, and a hard-hitting Q&A with Heat Miser/Snow Miser. Of course, everyone loves Christmas movies, and ABC Family is well aware of this fact. But with so many great Christmas movies, no two people are ever gonna have the same favorite…are they?! This question clearly needed to be taken to the streets, and that’s exactly what AM New York/ABC Family did. Let’s take a look at some of the results, you guys.

Surely we’ll get a lot of answers of The Grinch, It’s a Wonderful Life, A Charlie Brown Christmas, you know…the yooj. Right?

Hm, the Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? That’s an outside-the-box selection. I’m all for unpredictable choices, so good on you Alex Frank for sticking with your guns and not caring what people will think after they read that a 52-year old professional consultant’s favorite holiday film is The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”. Clearly, you were the target audience. A little strange not to pick the first Santa Clause, but I hear this third installment is where the franchise really picks up steam. I’m guessing Mr. Frank has gotten enough slack from former friends for having this view, so I won’t further question it. Onward...

Wow, Mr. Benjamin (not on iTunes, just checked) feels real strong about his admiration of “Unaccompanied Minors”, going so far as to yell the word “love”. No hesitation evident on this no doubt spur of the moment question. He even goes so far as to point out specific favorite scenes, causing me to envision their respective hilarious scenarios, and desire to view these hijinks first hand. Luckily I have a chance to catch it next Monday at 8, which is good because I’m assuming there’s a ginormous wait for it this time of year on Netflix. Also, it’s a holiday movie? Also, you can’t see the picture, but BenJammin (his singer/songwriter alias) looks not like how 26-year-olds look.

Now I really feel for Marissa. There’s a lot going through your head when you get a question like this – everyone expects you to say “A Christmas Story” or “Miracle on 34th Street” or hell, “Elf”…lord there are a ton of cinematic Christmas classics. There's a ton of pressure to pick one of those standards, but she sticks with her guns and proudly proclaims her favorite holiday film, the creme de la (of the) creme, if you will – “Holiday in Handcuffs”. Obvious really. Why has nobody else already mentioned that? In another classic case of “how-people-really-talk”, Marissa apparently verbalizes how most 14-year olds text or how curmudgeonly network execs think teenagers communicate in general. Now, again, I’ve never seen “HIH” as the kids are calling it, so I guess I’m out of luck. Wait…well I’ll be darmed (a combination of “damned” and “darned” I just made up), it’s on ABC Family Dec. 10th at 8! Gosh, these responses are really coinciding with what’s airing on ABC Family in the coming weeks. I’m sure that’s purely coincidental, as these are truly believable opinions.

Favorite films also mentioned include: "The Year Without a Santa Claus”, “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”, “The Polar Express”, and “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and the Island of the Misfit Toys” (not the super shitty original). Films not mentioned include: every actual good Christmas movie ever made. I guess credit is due to AM New York and ABC Family for tracking down the seven humans in the city/country whose range of holiday film viewing is wildly limited, and coincides with their programming schedule. I suppose there’s always the possibility that the ABC Family people fabricated some of these quotes, but phrases like “OMG! I heart Holiday if Handcuffs!” are totally just something someone would say.

(photos courtesy of Mike "Badge" Biette)

Friday, October 30, 2009

R.L. Stine - A Study in the Occult

There is a darkness that lies beneath the upper five crusts of our society. The shadow has been forming for many years, though we’ve only now begun to even detect a hint of its presence. Nevertheless, this fresh, new evil has been around for awhile, and while we’ve been blind to its existence, it has grown only more powerful. Of course, I speak of the dark literature of R.L. Stein.

The dark literature of R.L. Stine had, at first, on the surface seems harmless. Delightful, colorfully illustrated covers adorned even the stingiest of elementary school book fairs, and titles such as “Monster Blood”, “Night of the Living Dummy”, and “Let’s Get Invisible!” appeared harmless on the surface. However, repercussions of the evil within the dark literature of R.L. Stine arouses far more than simple…goosebumps.

Exhibit A: April 21, 1996 – Young Abigail Parchmont had just finished reading “One Day at Horrorland”, and strange occurrences began taking place. Her family recalls she began spouting some strange non-English, non-human gobbledegook and twisting her head most of the way around. Abigail was found the next morning in the backyard, having eaten roughly half the family dog, Ruff’ums.

Exhibit B: November 8, 1999 – Thomas Farlings of Essex, NJ went camping in the woods with six of his friends. The cabin they stayed at contained one book – “A Shocker on Shock Street”. One by one, the campers were killed by the evil that had been awoken in the woods.

Exhibit C: July 9, 1998 - John Carloston had merely gotten through half of “Bad Hare Day” before succumbing to madness and digging up half the local cemetery “to calm [him]self down”.

Exhibit D: September 7, 1997 – Young Nyu Hsing was found dangling from a rafter in his garage with a note that said “All for Slappy”. “Night of the Living Dummy” was in his hand.

Exhibit E: February 12, 2002 - Jimmy Collins devoured both “Deep Trouble”s in one night, a foolish action to take without a holy man present. His whereabouts are unknown.

Truly, the work of R.L. Stine stretches far beyond Fear Street (which geographically does not actually exist). These strange occurrences have led some to believe that Stine is the mouthpiece of Satan’s modern day bidding, putting pen-to-page the dark scripture he himself has not the physical ability to write. Those who have studied the occult believe the coming of Stine will be the first step towards the end of humanity, after destroying J.K. Rowling. In a recent interview, Charles Manson revealed that reading “Say Cheese and Die” led him to commit all of his murders. Some say the pages of “Be Careful What You Wish For” were printed with ink from an ancient Inca burial ground. “The Horror at Camp Jellyjam” is literally a word—for-word interpretation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. "It Came From Under the Sink" is an adaptation of the thoughts of unbaptized babies. Additionally, there’s a rumor that if you read “Egg Monsters From Mars” with the lights off and a candle lit, your spirit enters the body of Joy Behar. Dark, dark material.

On a more local level, Stine’s work has garnered its group of dark apostles; a brooding, poetry-writing, Hot Topic-shopping bunch who refer to themselves as Stineists. These groups, who would typically meet via craigslist in basements, conduct dark rituals including bee sacrifices, piano lessons, and even “Monster Blood Orgies”. Says Stineist leader, who goes only by the name “X”, explains “our Monster Blood recipe is really a homemade concoction of some lemonade, corn syrup, and food coloring. Occasionally, we’ll add some ground cane sugar to give it some extra zing. Then we [fuck] in it.”

Are there any ways to simply enjoy Stine’s whimsical ghoulish tales without the disturbing side effects? Father Thompson of Maine has stated that after soaking “Chicken Chicken” in holy water for three weeks, he could read it without any consequence, though he still felt a little wrong afterwards. (Though that may have been due to the poor narrative structure) While the holy water idea has proven effective, certain states have banned any of Stine’s work from entering churches altogether.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

From this morning's AM New York

Mario ‘books’ it

‘SBTB’ star Lopez, Diamond pen different tales

by Julie Gordon, AM New York

“Mario Lopez isn’t angry that former “Saved by the Bell” co-star Dustin Diamond wrote a book exposing alleged on-set drug use and hookups. If anything, Lopez just feels sorry for the guy.

“He’s gone through rough times, he was in a bad place,” said Lopez, whose voice took on a sympathetic tone when discussing Diamond’s state of mind. “Anyone who feels the need to write something like that that [isn’t doing well]”.

Lopez told us that he hasn’t read Diamond’s book but has heard about it contents.

Meanwhile, Lopez has been busy perfecting his own book, the children’s story “Mud Tacos,” which he wrote with his younger sister, Marissa Lopez Wong. “Mud Tacos” is the tale of a brother and sister who use their imaginations to make tacos out of backyard materials – and learn a few lessons along the way. Lopez also said he is close to finalizing a deal to turn “Mud Tacos” into a cartoon.

While he wants to expose young readers to Mexican culture, Lopez said he doesn’t “want to hit anyone over the head with a tortilla or anything.”

Well, we’re sure we could find a few ladies who wouldn’t mind that scenario one bit.”

So, if this innuendo were to play out...Gordon suggests basically that she knows several women who wouldn't mind being bludgeoned in the head repeatedly by Mario Lopez's **ck? Is this a thing nowadays?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hip Hip....

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "So, you just want me to point and smile?"

Executive: "You got it J.P., you're doing great!"

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "What am I pointing at exactly?"

Executive: "Heyyy, don't worry about it."

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "No really, what am I gonna be pointing at and thus endorsing?"

Executive: "Wha? Hmm? Sorry, I think I hear my phone ringing. RIIIIIINNNNG."

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "Okay, that was clearly just you making that noise."

Executive: "Jorge, baby! I would never ask you to endorse something that would cheapen or embarrass your legacy, nay, the legacy of the entire New York Yankees organization!"

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "Really? Well alright, that's good enough for me."

Executive: "Ready? Now look into the camera, smile, point...say 'I'm loving it!'"

Friday, September 25, 2009

Kickin Slumber

Man, I had the most rockin’ sleep. I started out by just like lying down, you know? Nothing too difficult. I was ridin’ that left side for awhile, lying on it like a fiend. Check this out though – my left arm was under my pillow right? So then, I take it and swing around to my side so I’m now flat on my stomach, just totally pillow-facing that bed. A move that’s fancier than it is practical for comfort, admittedly. Still, I got some major doze-age out of that, but my sleep buzz was starting to wear and tear. Time to bring in the big guns. I pulled my patented “beached dolphin” move, where I lie on my right side with my left arm hanging down away from my body. Effin’ sweet effin’ move. That may as well have been an express ticket to slumberville. The heat was gettin’ to me though, and the blanket quickly became like a major buzzkill. No prob though, pulled a reverse scissor-kick to get that sucker off the majority of my body. Nice, I was totally set. Not so – cuz then I started to cramp up in said position and had to revert back to start position, riding that left side again. This time though, it was fresh. Real fresh. Call me a letter hunter, cuz I was catching some major kickass Z’s. Bummer though, I was woken up by another dream about demon babies. Heroin is baaad for me.

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Not-As-Good Book

Facebook is getting old. Despite its efforts to stay hip, relevant, and phresh, the F-book is approaching Alta Vista-levels of internet banality. Nobody gets excited about it anymore, its just part of the internet – as much as checking e-mail, googling, and steamy midget-on-horse action. Nevertheless, it remains part of most of our internet rounds, along with checking e-mail, googling, and steamy midget-on-horse acti…er, ebay.

The Rise and Fall of the Book

Between 2003-05 is when most people joined The ‘Book, or when most colleges signed on. (Fordham joined in Fall ’04) Easy connections were made between actual friends that made MySpace look accurately irrelevant by comparison. For those of us already in college, it made all too much sense. You were being friended by several actual friends, and yes, some acquaintances thrown in, but even they you knew at least pretty well.

Time passed…

The strong initial influx of friend requests had given way to long quiet periods of being content with your 83 friends. That felt like a good number. Anything larger would just be ridiculous, right? This all changed with Stephen Waltman – the first questionable friend request you received. Sure, you guys went to the same middle school, but barely spoke to one another, if ever. Hey, what the hell, you accept the request. 84’s still a decent number.

Little did you know however that once this snowball got rolling, there was little that could stop it from becoming a large, cumbersome Pluto-sized orb of destruction. Yeah, that’s a sentence. More childhood acquaintances gained access to The Book, and requested your friendship, an action they never did in real life. However, now that they can see your favorite books, it’s a whole new ballgame. Still, whatever, you’re sitting at a cool 135 friends. You never thought you’d get into triple digits, but here we are.

More time passed…

Suddenly, now high schools have been given access to the Book. You’re getting friend requests from kids who were freshmen when you were a senior in high school. The number jumps to 205. This is getting nutty. You didn’t think you knew this many people, let along people with computers. Nevertheless, you don’t question it, and figure that’s just the way the internet wind’s a-blowin’. Can’t stop change from a-comin’.

The next day…

Everyone has access to the Book. You’re getting friend requests from pretty much anyone who has the internet. Standards rapidly drop for what constitutes Facebook Friendship. Seemingly, all it now takes for someone to feel entitled to your facebook friendship is knowing how to sort-of spell your name. The number is now at 450 and climbing…

The only friend requests you find yourself now receiving are…

Friends who just got Facebook – This is usually accompanied by a status message that claims “I finally gave in”, followed by ample wall postings stating “I knew you’d give in!” and “bout frikin time!” These people rarely show up on your news feed. Their hearts are simply not in it.

Old members of your graduating class you’ve never spoken to. Never the hot, popular ones though. You never get a friend request and go “Hey now, Brenda Lipski, I wonder if she’s single?” It’s always “Uh…it’s Brenda Lipski, I wonder if she went through with that pregnancy.”

People you met at a party last week - You rarely get much use out of this one. If you’re a girl, this is usually a guy taking an extremely passive approach to hitting on you.

Extended Relatives - Who taught Grandma how to use The Book? Cousin Ray, I’m looking in your direction. This one requires some profile and privacy setting adjustments.

Immediate Relatives - Your father wants to reconnect with some old college friends. And if you’re lucky, he’ll constantly comment on your status.

Friend’s Dogs – This isn’t cute or funny. Okay, it’s sort of cute.

People You Don’t Know – These are the people who take the term “social network” to the extreme. Profile picture is usually self-taken, either in a mirror or freehand.

Okay, I don’t feel like writing this anymore.

Underwhelming 100th Post!

Yes, it only took three years, but SunnySyde has reached it's 100th Post! Rather than create something extravagant and actually "quality", I have chosen to take the road traveled by many before me - the 100th episode clipshow. Sure, literary clip shows just aren't done, but that's just because I'm the first one to ever think of it, right?? So...let's take a look back at the last 100 posts, assembled with no rhyme or reason, shall we? Like you have a choice.

"Billy: What am I gonna do with all these turnips?
Old Prospector: Why dems turnips are evil I tells ya, they're built on an ancient Canadian Indian burial ground."

"Also, I’d like to apologize for my gratuitous judging-based-on-appearance, I swear I don’t commonly practice this practice. However, this night was different, and when you’re surrounded with “artsy free-thinking artsy artists”, they’re basically asking you to judge them by their appearance. To my credit, I was right every single time."

"- Your child’s skin, liver, or brain is infected by Gak™, which also goes by the name of Radon Glyciphonate III.
- Upon being 'slimed' your child goes blind.
- Your child selects a “physical challenge”, and it turns out to be 'Shave Mark Somer’s back'."

"'Every Sunday night, some local sandwiches ring my doorbell and run off. I blame society.'
- Miss Gertrude Biels, Tonton, Connecticut"

"-You have wisely chosen not to feed your giant origami swan, but unfortunately that results in Lucius unfolding from exhaustion and landing in the ocean as one giant sheet of construction paper. Fear not however, as a ship will be waiting for you wherever you land. The ship shall be called the S.S. Ess-Ess, and will be helmed by a half-man half-wheelchair named Toronto. Toronto shall feed you and keep you warm, occasionally boring you with his stories of life as a buoy hunter. Regardless, he will drop you off at the isle of Manhattan after about three weeks. Make sure he hasn’t stolen your ivory box – men of the sea are not to be trusted."

"Okay we didn’t do our research with that last one, sue us. Just kidding, you can’t! You don’t know our names! (One of us is named Marcus, but you don’t know which one!)"

"If Stella hadn’t gotten her groove back up to that point in the film, I imagine the airport scene was where she got her groove back. Pardon this viewer if he feels a bit cheated. As someone looking to get their own groove back, this film’s answer seems to be seduce a younger Jamaican man, get him to buy me a ton of stuff, have him propose, not give him an answer, then give him an answer in an airport without any discernable scene that explains my change of heart."

"Keeping your skin soft and healthy is also a top priority in Harbasham’s bathroom routine. “I strongly recommend honey glaze,” explains Harbasham. “If you reek of ham for the rest of the day, that’s just part of who you are girl!” Saying this made Harbasham crave some honey glaze, so we took the interview to the bathroom."

"Cindy Relf, was merely responding “K” to a message, a venture that in hindsight hardly seems worth it."

“Are the guitar players with sufficient years of experience in the crowd and who also brought their equipment to the show today which would be tough because of the tightness of security but either way get over it figure something out ready to rock?”

"The Trio carried on with what can be best described as “musical masturbation”, in fact that may have been the name of the song, as was anyone’s guess due to the poor PA. All that the crowd knew was that after the Trio riffed on a sloppier than hell free-form eight bar, Hadge launched into a spoons solo that was cute at first, but lost some momentum in the eighteenth or nineteenth minute. Literally, he just kept going, and the other two members could be seen getting cake across the room. After he finished the “song”, Hadge could be seen yelling profanities at the other members to put down their (blank)ing cake and get their (blank)s back on the stage. This did not go over well."

"Dear M+M,
The Skittle Dudes"

"Hats are not indie, but is the my poem about hats indie?"

"Some Fast and Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

ME: ' have a name?'"

PARTY #2: 'Oh, I'm Tom/Phil/Dumbass/It Doesn't matter'"

"Nevertheless, like a “q” and a “u”, Jesse needed the Rippers, and the Rippers only too late, realized they needed Jesse; for they were perfect compliments to one another. Venturing out on their own, the Rippers, known then as Barry and the Rippers, quickly lost the interest of their fanbase."

"Why We Are Sending You This Notice? Because you suck at math.

Why We Made The Change - Because you apparently can't handle simple addition, Ace."

"0:28 -'Hey Johnny, you know what this picture really needs? Fat kid.'"

(Scene from Seinfeld where they discuss shrinkage)

It sure has been a long, pointless journey. I'd like to thank the 3 of you (including myself) who read this, and keep the online periodical (it's NOT a blog) going! Here's to 100 more...................!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

SCAM ALERT: How to Identify a Scam

Two years ago, I was on the prowl for my first New York apartment. Naturally, I checked craigslist every day, content that if a listing made it to the Craig, it obviously must be legit. After all, people can't post lies on the internet, right? Nevertheless, this journey taught me everything I needed to know about how to identify a scam of any kind, but specifically of the real estatey nature.

First off, the posting itself. This indicated that a two-bedroom apartment was up for rent on Avenue A for a combined total of $750/month! Surely this was wildly inconsistent with other New York rent prices, but I could just have been the only one to see this and jump on it right? Ha, suckers who aren't me. Meanwhile, the picture attached to the listing was convincing enough...

I mean, how could he have taken that exterior photo of that anonymous building if he wasn't it's landlord? They just don't let you take photos of public property in New York! That just doesn't happen! And look at that building - it's CLEARLY actually on Avenue A. New York City! USA! Earth!

Needless to say, I quickly contacted my future landlord, expressing my extreme interest. I received the following prompt response. (This individual was going to be a delight to do business with!)

I have the apartment available including ( square ft. 840), because I moved with my job in England/London and I need money to pay the rent here, that's the reason I want to rent it at this price and to find a good person for my apartment.I can rent you the apt for max.3 years because I have a contract here in England for this period. I`m the owner of the apt and it's like in the photo. The rent for 1 month is $ 750.You have all utilities (water, electricity, Internet, cable, parking, air conditioning, fireplace, dishwasher, garbage disposal, microwave, refrigerator, etc). You can move in the apt in the same day you receive the keys.The only problem is that I`m the only person who have the keys but I hope that we will find a compromise.For get the keys and the contract for the apartment i will use a escrow Company from England,
If you are able to make the transaction i need:
You name:
Zip code:
After i will have this details i will go and start the transaction and when the transaction was started the Company will contact you with the invoice,tracking number,contract apartment,shipping and payment information, to check the transaction.
Once you have all this details from the Company i inform you must send to the Company a Small deposit($500usd).
After the transaction was closed you will send me the money per month in my account.This is what i can offer you if you really want to rent my apartment.
Thank you and waiting your email back,

Oh, he lives in London. Exotic! He's a man of the world, I like that. Sure, his English on such phrases as "after i will have this details" and "the only problem is that I'm the only person who have the keys" isn't the best. But he's not from America, after all. He's in England. Sure, I should probably take notice of that, but look at this great deal! $500 bones is a small price to pay for three solid years of bliss. And hey, the apartment was "like in the photo" (outside!).

I consulted Lizzy Munkenbeck, my future-roommate-at-the-time, and confirmed that we were squarely on board. I contacted my new friend to see when we could come check the place out. To that I received yet another prompt response...

Dear cliente,

I told you I moved with my job in England/London and I need money to pay the rent here,that's the reason I want to rent it at this price.I told you for our warranty i will use a shipping Company from here to send you the keys and what do you need.The transaction will take 1 days until you will get the keys contract and all you need to complete the transaction.After you will have all this and you will move in my apt you will pay me per month.If you are able to make the transaction i need:

You name:
Zip code:
After i will have this details i will go and start the transaction and when the transaction was started the Company will contact you with the invoice,tracking number,contract apartment,shipping and payment information, to check the transaction.
Once you have all this details from the Company i inform you must send to the Company a Small deposit($500usd).

Thank you

Boy, this fella sure has a style, and is damn persistent. I can dig that - he's a tough-as-nails businessman, i.e. the kind that gets shit done. And sure, I'm fine with him referring to me as "cliente" - keep it professional. After all, we had only just met. And so what if he made the same grammatical and basic English mistakes a second consecutive time? We're all human! Plus, it's not like was the worst website I'd ever seen!

Still excited as ever, I sent the link to my mother, proudly proclaiming that her subletting son had found his future home. Minutes later, I got this e-mail back from her, which was quoted from another Craigslisting.

I have the apartment available including ( square ft. 840), because I moved with my job in England/London and I need money to pay the rent here, that's the reason I want to rent it at this price and to find a good person for my apartment.I can rent you the apt for max.3 years because I have a contract here in England for this period. I`m the owner of the apt and it's like in the photo. The rent for 1 month is $ 750.You have all utilities (water, electricity, Internet, cable, parking, air conditioning, fireplace, dishwasher, garbage disposal, microwave, refrigerator, etc). You can move in the apt in the same day you receive the keys.The only problem is that I`m the only person who have the keys but I hope that we will find a compromise.For get the keys and the contract for the apartment i will use a escrow Company from England,
If you are able to make the transaction i need:
You name:
Zip code:
After i will have this details i will go and start the transaction and when the transaction was started the Company will contact you with the invoice,tracking number,contract apartment,shipping and payment information, to check the transaction.
Once you have all this details from the Company i inform you must send to the Company a Small deposit($500usd).
After the transaction was closed you will send me the money per month in my account.This is what i can offet you if you really want to rent my apartment.
Thank you and waiting your email back,
If you want more details from the Company here you the Email address :

Really? This guy was just a fraud? That just don't add up! What about the picture?! What about the general address?! What about his elaborate backstory about working in London?! Not since I found out that Santa Claus was only real if you weren't Jewish had so much innocence been lost in such a short amount of time. The lesson was learned the hard way - through a simple internet search and an everlasting lack of integrity in the eyes of your mother.

Anyway, joke's on that guy - five-hundred bucks won't even WORK in London!

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Wallwigg Way

Sammy Wallwigg is the campus big shot. Any lady who's any lady wants to be with Sammy, and those who don't have just reserved themselves to the fact that they're too unattractive for him. With his garish good looks, fit frame, and irresistible charms, it's not hard to see why Wallwigg is a hit with the ladies. He's slept with cheerleaders, gymnasts, and hand models, and leaves them all begging for more. So what's Sammy's secret?

"I can climax almost instantly", he boasts.

"Most guys can take up to five or seven minutes, leaving the female participant bored and impatient. I get in there, do my business, and get out. It's simple time management, and it sells." Wallwigg has quite the reputation around campus, and yes, much of it is self-planted. Still, it puts the rest of the guys on campus in their place. They know who the king is.

"Man, some of us guys can do it in four minutes. Three minutes, maybe", laments campus low shot Roy Butterburg. "But a minute-thirteen? We can't compete with that."

"Sammy Wallwigg is...not necessarily the best I've ever had. Far from it. I mean, he was really quick" claims local female Stephanie Drutman. "I got so much other stuff done that night, which was good because it was around midterms. Overall, I guess thumbs up?"

Along with his unparalleled bedroom talents, myth of amazing feats swirl around Wallwigg's reputation. Rumors of climaxing at simply a makeout have given the lesser men something to strive for. Legend has it that Wallwigg's record is nineteen seconds, accomplished with Rugby team captain Julianne Frosters.

"That's a stretch", confirms Frosters. "It wasn't that long".

Wallwigg's swagger instantly reflects his abilities and accomplishments. His seduction techniques can get the ladies in bed almost as quick as he gets them out. And while much crying and apologizing afterward every single time would shake the reputation of a lesser man, Wallwigg loses none of his mystique.

This fall, Wallwigg plans to begin a seminar ("The Wallwigg Way"), coaching less successful guys on how to get a woman into the bedroom, and experience immediate ecstasy. "I've been blessed with a great gift", he beams. "What kind of man would I be if I wasn't willing to share my knowledge and abilities? Under my plan, more guys will be experiencing faster, quicker, and more hilariously instant orgasms than ever before."

In our Google-instant world, it's about time.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Jesse and the Rippers: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Speech

Music is like an ocean – constantly rising, falling; ebbing and flowing. To stay afloat in the music business is akin to not drowning in the actual ocean. There are some artists, however, who are relative Neptunes of the music world. When I first heard Jesse Katsopolas (Cochran) and his Rippers, my world changed. They were rock, but not roll. Rhythm but not blues. Hip but not hop. No, they were something more, for I had seen God for the first time, and he was in the form of a cover of “Doo Wah Ditty Ditty Dum Ditty Doo”.

To witness the band at their peak was to witness a musical assault that would rarely, if ever, have mercy. From the first few notes of whatever golden oldie they would launch into, it was always obvious that the revolution was on. The life revolution. To hear their music was to awaken a dormant part of your soul, a part that realizes it has yet to be a proper participant in this world. The term “Ripper-boomers” was coined to describe those children conceived the second a couple heard a Jesse and the Rippers tune. They predated grunge, completely missed new wave, and flat-out ignored synth-pop, but boy howdy could they rip through a sizzling “Pretty Woman”.

It’s tough to establish a musical career based entirely on the previous work of others, but that in a way is what makes J & the Rs so enigmatic. Sure, they could have been original, like every other band, but they took the path less traveled. Way less traveled. Of course some naysayers claimed that redone versions of old timey rock songs are not what the kids wanted circa 1988. These people were clearly not at DJ’s prom.

Some would call Katsopolas the first real rebel leader of popular music. Under his stoic guidance, Jesse’s Rippers made their own rules; they practiced in the living room long after the girls’ bedtime. Though they were caught by Danny, they didn’t let it get them down. The Rippers were rebels with literally no cause or purpose.

Jesse and the Rippers changed the way we thought of the concept of a band. The non-Jesse members, though relegated to the background most of the time, were each an integral element to the band’s creative energy. For instance, few other bands featured female backup singers who served no purpose other than to look “sooo late-80s/early-90s”.

Sure, there are those who have covered this territory way better before and since, but…um…

For sheer euphoric power pop perfection, one need look no further than the group’s breakthrough single, “Forever”. Sure, some original fans simply could not get on board with the relatively soft tune, though Katsopolas never did what he did for the fans. He followed his own path, wherever his muse led. You were either along for the ride, or you weren’t. In this case, the ride was a Beach Boys cover; one of the seminal recordings of the nineties. Perhaps the accompanying video creeped some out with its ample use of silk, twins, and candles, but not everyone liked the Mona Lisa either. One thing was for damn sure - the Japanese got it. They always do.

What drove the Rippers apart? Some say women, some say money, some say drugs. Others have suggested Katsopolas’s inexplicable radio career became a distraction. However, the actual reason for Katsopolas’s exile from his own band came from his time consuming relationship with his wife and children. This lifestyle did not mesh with the remaining Rippers, steadfast to remain single and childless into their early forties. Additionally, the Rippers were not huge fans of the way Jesse solved every inter-band argument by having a heart-to-heart, hugging them, and calling them “Munchkin”.

Nevertheless, like a “q” and a “u”, Jesse needed the Rippers, and the Rippers only too late, realized they needed Jesse; for they were perfect compliments to one another. Venturing out on their own, the Rippers, known then as Barry and the Rippers, quickly lost the interest of their fanbase. Evidently, demand for a rock band featuring former Brady Bunch star Barry Williams was predictably low amongst the MTV youth. Oddly enough, Jesse garnered no interest from the fans on his own, though he kept up his quest to make music with solo projects, the reopening of the SMASH club, an attempt at managing Stephanie and Gia’s band they had for some reason, and his “Wings” – Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. Regardless of his ill-fated post-Rippers output, Jesse Katsopolas remains a towering figure amongst musicians, and men on the whole.

Though they don’t have one original song to their credit, the Rippers’ shadow over the rest of popular music is majestic and ever-growing. New fans continue to discover their discography; every minute, a ten year-old boy picks up his first guitar dreaming to be the next Jesse Katsopolas. In early November, a box-set of recently unearthed outtakes, demos, and live-performances will be released. Truly, Jesse and his Rippers aren’t going anywhere.

Barry and the remaining Rippers died in a helicopter crash, but Michelle had gotten anesthesia that same day, so the story got very little attention.

So today, I am honored and humbled to induct Jesse and the Rippers into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

(Jesse wakes up)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Unemployment...a farewell

The past five months have been a roller coaster. The search for a job in this economy can drive a man to do some crazy things, like send out gum in his resumes, attach nude photos, or use Courier New in his cover letter. However, I have finally landed a position which starts next week. While most of me is excited for this shiny new stage of life, a small morsel of me is feeling a twinge of sadness for days of unemployment past. So much time spent doing things I will lord-willing never have the luxury of the time to waste doing. If a poll was taken, I guarantee most dvd commentaries are watched during periods of unemployment. In fact, I'm pretty sure the concept was invented for it. (Why would anyone want to be thinking "Wonder if I'm ever going to make a living again", when they could be thinking "Oh wow, the guy in the background during the parking lot scene in Fight Club was actually the lighting guy's cousin!")

Sadly, tomorrow is my last day of unemployment for at least the next few months (barring any on-the-job curse-laden tirades), and I am determined to have the Most Unemployed Day of All Time. Yes, meticulous planning was involved. Yes, I used flow charts. Yes, Excel was used. Which I am proficient in.

Anyway, Michael Hadge's Most Unemployed Day Ever will include the following:

- waking up at 2 PM just in time to see the sunrise (on youtube)

- checking facebook

- making a hearty breakfast of cheese, sliced salami, and diet coke from the bottle

- checking Craigslist just to feel vindicated

- making the rounds on the internet, going off on several tangents related to monkeys riding segues

- going to the Post Office "just to hang out".

- checking facebook again to update my status

- no pants

- gchatting with all my friends who have jobs, and when they don't respond, typing more

- going to that one hot dog cart in midtown I've always been told is the best

- checking facebook to see if anyone "Like"d my status

- catching a matinee of Transformers 2

- rushing home to give a detailed review on the message boards

- debating jerks on the message boards

- calling parents to tell them I looked on craigslist

- alcohol and grilled cheese in that order

- checking friendster

- checking facebook

- flipping through roommates TiVo'd episodes of Oprah for any nudity

- rediscovering my love for the P-S section of the dictionary

- crying on the floor

- twittering about it all

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Journey to the Stars

Journey to the Stars is a new presentational space show which recently opened at the Hayden Planetarium. The description sounds fascinating enough; "Featuring extraordinary images from telescopes on the ground and in space and stunning, never-before-seen visualizations of physics-based simulations, the dazzling new Journey to the Stars launches visitors through space and time to experience the life and death of the stars in our night sky, including our own nurturing Sun. Tour familiar stellar formations, explore new celestial mysteries, and discover the fascinating, unfolding story that connects us all to the stars. Those who come along for the journey may never see the night sky in the same way again." I can dig that.

Wanna know who's hosting this space program? Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi. Goldberg. Whoo. Pi. Gold. Berg.

Now, if I was making a list of the top 10 individuals I would least associate with space (I do this on occasion), I'm pretty sure Whoopi would be somewhere in the top 6. However, Whoopi seems to be one of the very few public figures that can pretty much slide into any role of expertise and nobody would question it. James Earl Jones also fits in this category. However, I cannot help but wonder what the selection process was like for the host of Journey to the Stars. My imagination conjures up the following...

(Setting: Sound stage, Wednesday Afternoon. Casting directors Nancy and Brad lead the proceedings)

NANCY: Alright, we've narrowed it down to the two of you. Each candidate please step forward and say a few words about yourself.

DR. PADDINGTON LIVINGSTON III: Salutations, my name is Dr. Paddington Livingston III, I have spent thirty-seven years studying with NASA, teaching advanced astronomy at Rutgers and testing my own anti-gravitational tank in my back yard. Additionally, I have corresponded with every space team on their mission to the moon for the past twenty-six years.

BRAD: Oh...ho. And you?

WHOOPI: My name's Whoopi Goldberg. I was in How Stella Got Her Groove Back and Sister Act. Oh, and Sister Act II.

NANCY: "Back in the Habit"?


BRAD: That was hilarious! I think our decision just got a lot easier.

LIVINGSTON: Excuse me, but I deduct that my qualifications are far more relevant to this particular presentation!

BRAD: Um, okay Dr. Livingston, how many Sister Acts were you in?

LIVINGSTON: Well, none...but...several accomplished astronauts have studied under me! I was a special consultant during the movie version of Apollo 13 just to make sure the shuttle scenes were accurate! I designed the first indestructible space vessel that can also travel underwater!

BRAD: Blahblahblah! BO-RING!J

NANCY: I think we've made ourselves clear. She's got you beat - two Sister Acts to zero.

LIVINGSTON: Why this is an outrage!

BRAD: But don't worry, we've got a super special job for you that only someone of your skill level could possibly do!

(hands LIVINGSTON cue cards)

LIVINGSTON: Well I never...!


This is definitely exactly what happened.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

More like GAYbraham!!!

I just remembered this.

If you went through a public school system, you inadvertently learned about the birds and the bees in ways that would best be described as "colorful", "scattershot", and "from a kid with a lisp". We gather so much information about them naughty topics that it often becomes difficult to pinpoint exactly where/how we gained a particular nugget of knowledge. (I still swear I learned what "pimp" and "ho" meant while learning multiplication tables) However, last night I remembered how I first heard the term "gay" used in the way we now know and love.

It was third grade, I was nine, and our teacher Mrs. Kenny was attempting to teach us history. The subject was the US Presidents, and she basically hit on all the important ones, i.e. - the ones whose birthdays have been jumbled together for a single holiday. I.e. - Washington and Lincoln. It was a brisk lesson followed by "free time", which came up a good deal in third grade because Mrs. Kenny for whatever reason hated some combination of teaching and children.

As each student tended to their coloring or phonics homework or badly-timed boners, class badass Alex Connors walked up to the cluster of desks where I sat.

"Abraham Lincoln is gay!" he stated.

This puzzled me, as I had only heard the word used in the sense meaning happy, and I assumed this is what he was intending to imply. Not the case. It was explained to me how "gay" meant that he liked boys instead of girls. Again, this puzzled me. By Alex Connor's logic, mixed in with my lack thereof, I could only deduce that "gay" meant a person...

- Had a cool beard
- Was on the penny
- Freed the slaves
- Gave famous speeches
- Was born in a log cabin
- Wore a stovepipe hat
- Was shot by John Wilkes Boothe
- Was a good president
- Likes showtunes

Also, in retrospect Abe Lincoln seemed like a strange target for a "gay" labeling. Wasn't he like, one of the most badass guys in American history? There are at least like 42 gayer US Presidents than Lincoln, and that's just off the top of my head.

So excuse me if my current views toward homosexuality are a bit inaccurate.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

How I Nailed That FUSE Audition

Yesterday marked my first actual foray into the life of a professional performer. I had gotten a call to audition for a VJ on a pop music video show on the FUSE network, which is probably channel 742 on your cable box. Their only criteria was that I "be prepared to talk about pop music". Seems pretty simple. I am a great admirer of pop music. However, it turned out that they did not mean "In general" or "made between 1964 and 1975", so I figured I was up a proverbial creek. Of the ass.

Thus...I started on some research, looking at the Billboard charts and YouTubing any Hot 100 Hits that I may have missed (all of them). Of course, pop music is such a vast terrain that there was no way I was going to learn everything in time. Plus, there was no way that they'd ask me "specific" questions, like "What's the name of Eminem's crew" or some crap like that. Thus, I stopped my research and concentrated on my super cool VJ image and alter-ego.

Unfortunately, once I arrive at said audition, I am presented with a sheet of paper requiring me to fill out my name, email, turn-ons, etc. All is fine and dandy until I realize that this sheet has a back side. What I was presented with was LITERALLY a Pop Quiz (PUN EXTREMELY INTENDED)of VERY SPECIFIC pop questions! Right there, I knew I'd been beat. However, I did not let it get me down. What follows is the actual quiz and yes, my actual answers. What you are about to see is totally real and totally unscripted.

1) Who originally recorded Kelly Clarkson’s “I Don’t Hook Up?”

Bing Crosby, but he was lying.

2) Who recently resigned with Island Def Jam records?

Hammer…just sounds like something he’d do.

3) Who discovered and signed Panic at the Disco?

Trick question…that's not a real band.

4) Who’s real name is Alicia Moore?

Alicia Keys. NEXT!

5) What group was Fergie in before joining the Black Eyed Peas?


6) Name three artists Timbaland has worked with.

I know he is planning on working with the Jonas Brothers, so I choose to count them as three separate artists.

7) Who are the Fugees?

Mickey Dolenz, Peter Tork, Mike Nesmith, and Davy Jones.

8) Name three members of the Wu Tang Clan.

9) What is the name of Eminem’s crew, and what does the name mean?

The Junkyard gang, it’s a Fat Albert reference.

10) Who founded Cash Money Records?

Eddie Money. Definitely.

Yes, this fine display of intelligence is in a casting director's folder somewhere, or much more likely, in the trash bin under the desk in that audition room.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Revelations from Remastered Beatles CDs

For twenty years, Beatles fans have been stuck with the same low-fi, liner-note-less, wrong mixes-using CDs to deal with. Yeah after year, the promise of a catalog upgrade would come and go, leaving those of us who revel in fine audio quality to seek out old vinyl pressings or bootleg needle-drops. In almost all cases, these alternate sources blew the CDs away.

However, on September 9, 2009 - that all changes. The entire Beatles catalog is getting the upgrade it so richly deserves. And let me tell you, the results are stunning. That's right, I'm one of the few select individuals who has heard these disks ahead of time, and the difference is night and day. The sound is so clear, it's like you're right there in the studio with the Fab Four. Of course, sometimes these sort of remasterings can be too honest.

Here are some revelations that have been buried in those master tapes for years, but are only now audible:

- During “Honey Pie” you can actually hear John’s eyes rolling.

- From the White Album through to Let It Be, the entire atmosphere sounds “Japanese-ier”.

- Upon further listen, it is revealed that Revolver was recorded entirely backwards. Played forwards, its crap.

- The guy chanting “number 9…number 9…” is Wilford Brimley.

- Most of George Harrison’s songs are unintentionally plagiarized Chiffons songs.

- Between Please Please Me and With the Beatles, their outfits sound way more expensive.

- Ringo’s drumming is way better on “Back In the USSR” and “Dear Prudence”…for some reason.

- On the post-1966 recordings, Paul sounds dead-er.

- On “I Feel Fine”, John sounds surprisingly agitated.

- Due to strict FCC guidelines, A Hard Day’s Night was only recorded from the waist up.

- At the fade-out of the Abbey Road final medley, you can hear Paul say “suckers, the love you take has little-to-no bearing on the love you make.”

- On “Yesterday”, you can hear John, George, and Ringo doing Sudoku in the corner.

- In the first few bars of "Across the Universe", Lennon can be heard uttering "I hope someone turns this song into a shitty movie one day!"

- Those chants at the end of “I Am the Walrus” are all the same guy.

- During “The Ballad of John and Yoko” you can actually hear Paul McCartney’s eyes rolling.

- During the harmonies on “Because”, you can hear Paul and John flicking each other off.

- Side 1 of Sgt. Pepper is actually the Monkees.

- On “All You Need Is Love”, you can hear Lennon counting money.

- The four original songs on the Yellow Submarine soundtrack were recorded over the phone.

- “I Me Mine” was actually recorded with lawyers present.

- Three minutes into "I Want You (She's So Heavy)", Ringo can clearly be heard taking a nap, but wakes up well refreshed for the final four minutes of the song.

- During “Within You Without You” you can actually hear John, Paul, and Ringo’s eyes rolling.

- Though they were not needed on the recording, John, George, and Ringo can be heard in the booth during “Blackbird”, just because Paul wanted them to watch.

- During the second orchestral climax in “A Day in the Life”, you can hear a British cellist’s head explode.

- At the end of “Strawberry Fields Forever”, John is definitely saying “cranberry sauce”, but while he’s saying it, he’s burying Paul.

- Ringo sounds really naked during most of Rubber Soul.

- During all of Magical Mystery Tour, you can hear George Martin’s eyes rolling.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Make Friends with Kool-Aid!

This Kool-Aid commercial from 1966 just sends the wrong message...

A few things...

- No wonder Jimmy didn't have any friends - he's a dick! After Bugs Bunny provides him the Kool-Aid that gives him all his friends for some reason, he doesn't even share! Then abandons him for the friends who are clearly just using him for his 'Aid.

- After Jimmy says that no one's around, Bugs's logical solution is to make some Kool Aid. Now, I'm no expert, but I'd think there's a lot on a ten-year-old boy's list of things to do when no one's around that would be ahead of that...and may or may not include undressing your sister's Barbies.

- 0:28 -"Hey Johnny, you know what this picture really needs? Fat kid."

- All these kids just sort of materialize when Jimmy makes the Kool-Aid. One kid comes from a damn tree. A TREE.

- Somehow, the fact that Bugs Bunny is right there isn't as big a deal as the pre-sweetened sugar-water. It was the sixties, that kind of thing was a regularity. But Kool-Aid?! Hell, we gotta sneak into the yard of that kid we hate to get some of that.

I bet a lot of lonely children were duped into buying Kool-Aid in 1966.