(NOTE: the title has really, nothing to do with what follows. But come on, “Eggo ROFL”s? ROFLMAO! Seriously tho, this is actually about the apocalypse)
I bought some Eggo waffles last night, because if you have access to news stories, you know that there’s only so much time. Soon there will be no more Eggo’s to leggo, and if you, like me, have been taking Eggo waffle availability for granted, now’s the time to make some semblance of amends. However, after a little bit of research, it dawned on me that this Eggo shortage is not to be taken lightly, no sir. For the lack of Eggo waffles appears to be the first tiny pebbles in the avalanche that signals the end of our civilization. Am I blowing this out of proportion? F no. Observe…
Seven signs of the Apocalypse:
1. A False Prophet will rise
2. War and rumors of wars
5. Persecutions and tortures to the elect
7. This good news of the kingdom will be proclaimed to the whole world
Famines! See? It’s all right there! This fits exactly into the popular theory of “if you can’t eat waffles, what’s the point of eating”, and will make the earthquakes that follow seem like a comparative relief. I imagine the phrasing of “famine” is deliberately vague because the original prophets were unsure which specific brand of waffle would fall victim. If that doesn’t give you the chills, look a little lower on your internet browser.
The Book of Revelation also, when actually read, reveals much about our current situation. Therein, a particular harrowing quote is found; “I looked beyond into the great white into nothingness. A great flash bestowed upon my fasting eyes and unto humanity. Judgment Day has come, and there are no waffles.”(Daniel 10:2ff) Also, the book of Genesis also speaks of an “Angel” bringing forth the apocalypse. Perhaps not coincidentally, the angel is either indifferent or unlearned of waffles.
The Mayans are known for their precise calendar making and also somehow future predicting. Thus, 2012 has been marked as the end of days due to their ending the calendars that year. What people pay way less attention to is their mark for what’s gonna happen in 2010. Let’s take a look…
“2010 – Waffles gone. Panic sets in.
2012 - Apocalypse” – The Mayans
Creepy, right? It’s not just the Mayans either. Nostradamus has strikingly similar accounts.
“2010 – No more waffles. Humanity disconcerned.
2012 – Apocalypse” – Nostradamus
And if that’s not enough, look immediately below…
Yes, this is an artistic rendering of what the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse definitely look like, but think back to all we as a society have come to know about these four gentlemen. They signal doom, judgment, the end of days, and also…you guessed it…are never holding waffles. Yes, there are several different interpretations of the Four Horsemen and their specific characteristics but think about it, no one ever mentions waffles being present. If this didn’t seem so conclusive, I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing.
But there’s more…
Witness the above screen cap from Roland Emmerich’s November summer blockbuster 2012. If there's one guy who knows his apocalypses, it's Roland Emmerich. Thus, I think he would have a pretty good idea of what things would look like immediately before the world ends.
Do you see waffles? I sure don’t.
Indeed, every depiction of the end of days reveals a complete lack of waffles. I don’t mean to freak you out, society, but this is all hard to ignore. However, heed these words not as doom, but as perspective; a warning not to take our current breakfast pastries for granted. Whether used to sandwich eggs and bacon or doused in the good lady Jemima’s nectar, enjoy those Eggos now. They may be delicious, but sometimes delicious also implies world-ending. (See: nothing)