Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Pros and Cons of Homeless Life

In the aftermath of life at a University, I have been “weighing my options”, as any guidance counselor will tell you, is recommended at this point in life. Some people go off to Europe to find themselves. Others, Detroit. Then there are those who see graduate school as their most likely destiny, and still then there are those who go straight to their high paying job directly out of school. However, none of these options appear to be “up my ally”, as any guidance counselor will tell you, is frightening and I really shouldn’t be trusted to make decisions on my own. Nevertheless, I remain determined to find the silver lining on the grey cloud that is my latest endeavor: homeless life. With employment, school, and European getaways out of the question, it would appear that I am shaping up to be a young, budding homeless guy. After all, one would assume post-college life is where all homeless guys begin their career as homeless guys. It’s just the most logical path, and frankly, I’m shocked the career planning center at most universities do not offer at least a pamphlet on the subject. I realize that homeless life isn’t necessarily as easy or as fun as it sounds, so I’ve decided to make the list that lies just below this spot on the page to assist me in my future planning. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

The Pros and Cons of Homeless Life.

Pro: No bills to pay. Con: You’re homeless. Pro: Never have to clean up after yourself. Con: You’re homeless. Pro: Don’t have to take any guff from the boss about those reports! Con: You have no house. Pro: Your neighborhood can be wherever your heart desires. Con: You are sans a residence. Pro: Never have to mow the lawn. Con: No lawn. Pro: You can say whatever crazy stuff you want, and people will chock it up to “oh, it’s okay, he’s a crazy homeless guy.” Con: You’re a crazy homeless guy. Pro: You smell like urine and its okay! Con: You smell like urine, and its okay. Pro: Never have to drive/pick up the kids to/from school. Con: You smell like urine. Pro: Don’t have to worry about losing the vcr remote. Con: Mmm, a vcr remote would taste mighty fine. Pro: Don’t have to deal with internet pop-ups. Cons: You spent Saturday night shirtless in a subway terminal, rubbing your own nipples and singing “Feliz Navidad.” Pro: Your days of listening to the wife nag about your inattentiveness are over. Con: “Feliz Navidad”!? Pro: No boring commercials! Con: You had a plate of “imaginary shoe pie” for breakfast. Another Con: You went back for seconds. Another Con: You enjoyed it the second time even more than the first and would consider making it your signature dish. Pro: No furniture…hmm, I guess that’s really more of a Con. Con: No furniture.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Spelling Bee Winner Involved in Steroid Scandal

(AP – Thursday) The world of spelling bees was thrown on its axis today as the winner of this year’s World Spelling Classic was revealed to have used HGH during the proceedings. Missy Carmychel, 12, was exposed when her test results came back positive earlier this week.
A representative of Carmychel’s released a statement this afternoon, insisting that she only received the hormones via a prescription from her pediatrician, evidently to aid her “mild cold”. Carmychel’s representative claims that she had no knowledge of what she was taking, and insists that any injection of HGH into any of her veins was “by accident” and “purely coincidental.”
“It’s a real travesty – T-R-A-V-E-S-T-Y!” exclaimed former World Spelling Champion Hsu Hyung, 11. “If I were to use it in a sentence, I’d say ‘Missy Carmychel’s use of steroids is a travesty!’”
Avid followers of the World Spelling Classic claim that they became suspicious after Carmycle seemed to “jack up” significantly at age nine and began growing facial hair a lot earlier than most young girls. “I mean it was pretty obvious”, states World Spelling Classic concessions supervisor Don Cheedle, “She was the only 280lb ten year- old girl I’d ever seen. She would chew glass before a competition, for crying out loud.”
“What kind of example does this set for the younger spellers of America?” bemuses local lumberjack Biff Sweedly, “Carmycle is supposed to be a role model, and she’s basically saying ‘oh hey kids, take steroids! They’re delicious! Just like Skittles!’ Disgraceful.”
“Didn’t she see that movie Akeela and the Bee?!” asks devastated spelling bee aficionado Hernard Roffman, “Didn’t she listen to its message of hope, heart, and spirit?!” He then continued by adding, “I mean, I guess that movie was alright. It wasn’t that great, I guess. I mean it all depends on what you’re comparing it to. If you’re like ‘okay, Akeela vs. The Godfather’, then I guess it’s obvious who wins. But if you compare Akeela to a really good movie, like Transformers, it doesn’t stack up as well. I guess it all depends on who you saw it with too, you know? Like I saw Akeela on a night when I really needed a spiritual lift; I had just broken a button on my very favorite corduroys and you could say I was a bit down in the dumps, but I…” At this point, we asked Roffman to stop talking.
This has sparked a full scale investigation on the seedy underbelly of the competitive Spelling world. Experts believe it to be no coincidence that out of the last seven World Spelling Classic champions, six could bench three times their body weight. Former spelling contender Carlos Wentoro’s recently released tell-all book Joosed provides some insight on the steroid-scene during the mid-nineties, which have now been dubbed the “HGH-Era of Spelling”.
“Yeah, HGH – Carmychel can spell that,” claimed Wentoro on a local morning radio program, “with flying colors.”
Though it remains undetermined if the brawny Carmychel’s use of HGH actually improved her spelling abilities, she has been disqualified from further competitions, and is forbidden to ever spell anything again. In addition, there has been serious consideration by Thomas Jennings, the commissioner of Spelling, to add an asterisk next to Carmychel’s name, as well as several other letters, just to make it harder to spell. However, Carmychel does get to keep her gift certificate to Target – the grand prize of this year’s WSC.
When approached for comment, Carmychel socked us in the jaw really, really hard before tearing a phonebook in half and storming off.