Eggo ROFL's

(NOTE: the title has really, nothing to do with what follows. But come on, “Eggo ROFL”s? ROFLMAO! Seriously tho, this is actually about the apocalypse)

I bought some Eggo waffles last night, because if you have access to news stories, you know that there’s only so much time. Soon there will be no more Eggo’s to leggo, and if you, like me, have been taking Eggo waffle availability for granted, now’s the time to make some semblance of amends. However, after a little bit of research, it dawned on me that this Eggo shortage is not to be taken lightly, no sir. For the lack of Eggo waffles appears to be the first tiny pebbles in the avalanche that signals the end of our civilization. Am I blowing this out of proportion? F no. Observe…

Seven signs of the Apocalypse:

1. A False Prophet will rise
2. War and rumors of wars
3. Famines
4. Earthquakes
5. Persecutions and tortures to the elect
6. Lawlessness
7. This good news of the kingdom will be proclaimed to the whole world

Famines! See? It’s all right there! This fits exactly into the popular theory of “if you can’t eat waffles, what’s the point of eating”, and will make the earthquakes that follow seem like a comparative relief. I imagine the phrasing of “famine” is deliberately vague because the original prophets were unsure which specific brand of waffle would fall victim. If that doesn’t give you the chills, look a little lower on your internet browser.

The Book of Revelation also, when actually read, reveals much about our current situation. Therein, a particular harrowing quote is found; “I looked beyond into the great white into nothingness. A great flash bestowed upon my fasting eyes and unto humanity. Judgment Day has come, and there are no waffles.”(Daniel 10:2ff) Also, the book of Genesis also speaks of an “Angel” bringing forth the apocalypse. Perhaps not coincidentally, the angel is either indifferent or unlearned of waffles.

The Mayans are known for their precise calendar making and also somehow future predicting. Thus, 2012 has been marked as the end of days due to their ending the calendars that year. What people pay way less attention to is their mark for what’s gonna happen in 2010. Let’s take a look…

“2010 – Waffles gone. Panic sets in.

2012 - Apocalypse” – The Mayans

Creepy, right? It’s not just the Mayans either. Nostradamus has strikingly similar accounts.

“2010 – No more waffles. Humanity disconcerned.

2012 – Apocalypse” – Nostradamus

And if that’s not enough, look immediately below…



Yes, this is an artistic rendering of what the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse definitely look like, but think back to all we as a society have come to know about these four gentlemen. They signal doom, judgment, the end of days, and also…you guessed it…are never holding waffles. Yes, there are several different interpretations of the Four Horsemen and their specific characteristics but think about it, no one ever mentions waffles being present. If this didn’t seem so conclusive, I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing.

But there’s more…



Witness the above screen cap from Roland Emmerich’s November summer blockbuster 2012. If there's one guy who knows his apocalypses, it's Roland Emmerich. Thus, I think he would have a pretty good idea of what things would look like immediately before the world ends.

Do you see waffles? I sure don’t.

Indeed, every depiction of the end of days reveals a complete lack of waffles. I don’t mean to freak you out, society, but this is all hard to ignore. However, heed these words not as doom, but as perspective; a warning not to take our current breakfast pastries for granted. Whether used to sandwich eggs and bacon or doused in the good lady Jemima’s nectar, enjoy those Eggos now. They may be delicious, but sometimes delicious also implies world-ending. (See: nothing)

ABC Family's 25 Days of Misguided Promotion

The Christmas Season has arrived, it being post-Labor Day and all, and far be it for ABC Family to not promote their 25 Days of Christmas programming orgy. As such, a whimsical insert was placed in every copy of AM New York (cranky NY commuters between 24-65 being the clear target demographic for ABC Family) on Tuesday, December 1st carrying adorable news stories such as “Elves on Strike”, “Santa on Vacation”, and a hard-hitting Q&A with Heat Miser/Snow Miser. Of course, everyone loves Christmas movies, and ABC Family is well aware of this fact. But with so many great Christmas movies, no two people are ever gonna have the same favorite…are they?! This question clearly needed to be taken to the streets, and that’s exactly what AM New York/ABC Family did. Let’s take a look at some of the results, you guys.

Surely we’ll get a lot of answers of The Grinch, It’s a Wonderful Life, A Charlie Brown Christmas, you know…the yooj. Right?



Hm, the Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? That’s an outside-the-box selection. I’m all for unpredictable choices, so good on you Alex Frank for sticking with your guns and not caring what people will think after they read that a 52-year old professional consultant’s favorite holiday film is The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”. Clearly, you were the target audience. A little strange not to pick the first Santa Clause, but I hear this third installment is where the franchise really picks up steam. I’m guessing Mr. Frank has gotten enough slack from former friends for having this view, so I won’t further question it. Onward...



Wow, Mr. Benjamin (not on iTunes, just checked) feels real strong about his admiration of “Unaccompanied Minors”, going so far as to yell the word “love”. No hesitation evident on this no doubt spur of the moment question. He even goes so far as to point out specific favorite scenes, causing me to envision their respective hilarious scenarios, and desire to view these hijinks first hand. Luckily I have a chance to catch it next Monday at 8, which is good because I’m assuming there’s a ginormous wait for it this time of year on Netflix. Also, it’s a holiday movie? Also, you can’t see the picture, but BenJammin (his singer/songwriter alias) looks not like how 26-year-olds look.



Now I really feel for Marissa. There’s a lot going through your head when you get a question like this – everyone expects you to say “A Christmas Story” or “Miracle on 34th Street” or hell, “Elf”…lord there are a ton of cinematic Christmas classics. There's a ton of pressure to pick one of those standards, but she sticks with her guns and proudly proclaims her favorite holiday film, the creme de la (of the) creme, if you will – “Holiday in Handcuffs”. Obvious really. Why has nobody else already mentioned that? In another classic case of “how-people-really-talk”, Marissa apparently verbalizes how most 14-year olds text or how curmudgeonly network execs think teenagers communicate in general. Now, again, I’ve never seen “HIH” as the kids are calling it, so I guess I’m out of luck. Wait…well I’ll be darmed (a combination of “damned” and “darned” I just made up), it’s on ABC Family Dec. 10th at 8! Gosh, these responses are really coinciding with what’s airing on ABC Family in the coming weeks. I’m sure that’s purely coincidental, as these are truly believable opinions.

Favorite films also mentioned include: "The Year Without a Santa Claus”, “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”, “The Polar Express”, and “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and the Island of the Misfit Toys” (not the super shitty original). Films not mentioned include: every actual good Christmas movie ever made. I guess credit is due to AM New York and ABC Family for tracking down the seven humans in the city/country whose range of holiday film viewing is wildly limited, and coincides with their programming schedule. I suppose there’s always the possibility that the ABC Family people fabricated some of these quotes, but phrases like “OMG! I heart Holiday if Handcuffs!” are totally just something someone would say.

(photos courtesy of Mike "Badge" Biette)

R.L. Stine - A Study in the Occult

There is a darkness that lies beneath the upper five crusts of our society. The shadow has been forming for many years, though we’ve only now begun to even detect a hint of its presence. Nevertheless, this fresh, new evil has been around for awhile, and while we’ve been blind to its existence, it has grown only more powerful. Of course, I speak of the dark literature of R.L. Stein.

The dark literature of R.L. Stine had, at first, on the surface seems harmless. Delightful, colorfully illustrated covers adorned even the stingiest of elementary school book fairs, and titles such as “Monster Blood”, “Night of the Living Dummy”, and “Let’s Get Invisible!” appeared harmless on the surface. However, repercussions of the evil within the dark literature of R.L. Stine arouses far more than simple…goosebumps.

Exhibit A: April 21, 1996 – Young Abigail Parchmont had just finished reading “One Day at Horrorland”, and strange occurrences began taking place. Her family recalls she began spouting some strange non-English, non-human gobbledegook and twisting her head most of the way around. Abigail was found the next morning in the backyard, having eaten roughly half the family dog, Ruff’ums.

Exhibit B: November 8, 1999 – Thomas Farlings of Essex, NJ went camping in the woods with six of his friends. The cabin they stayed at contained one book – “A Shocker on Shock Street”. One by one, the campers were killed by the evil that had been awoken in the woods.

Exhibit C: July 9, 1998 - John Carloston had merely gotten through half of “Bad Hare Day” before succumbing to madness and digging up half the local cemetery “to calm [him]self down”.

Exhibit D: September 7, 1997 – Young Nyu Hsing was found dangling from a rafter in his garage with a note that said “All for Slappy”. “Night of the Living Dummy” was in his hand.

Exhibit E: February 12, 2002 - Jimmy Collins devoured both “Deep Trouble”s in one night, a foolish action to take without a holy man present. His whereabouts are unknown.

Truly, the work of R.L. Stine stretches far beyond Fear Street (which geographically does not actually exist). These strange occurrences have led some to believe that Stine is the mouthpiece of Satan’s modern day bidding, putting pen-to-page the dark scripture he himself has not the physical ability to write. Those who have studied the occult believe the coming of Stine will be the first step towards the end of humanity, after destroying J.K. Rowling. In a recent interview, Charles Manson revealed that reading “Say Cheese and Die” led him to commit all of his murders. Some say the pages of “Be Careful What You Wish For” were printed with ink from an ancient Inca burial ground. “The Horror at Camp Jellyjam” is literally a word—for-word interpretation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. "It Came From Under the Sink" is an adaptation of the thoughts of unbaptized babies. Additionally, there’s a rumor that if you read “Egg Monsters From Mars” with the lights off and a candle lit, your spirit enters the body of Joy Behar. Dark, dark material.

On a more local level, Stine’s work has garnered its group of dark apostles; a brooding, poetry-writing, Hot Topic-shopping bunch who refer to themselves as Stineists. These groups, who would typically meet via craigslist in basements, conduct dark rituals including bee sacrifices, piano lessons, and even “Monster Blood Orgies”. Says Stineist leader, who goes only by the name “X”, explains “our Monster Blood recipe is really a homemade concoction of some lemonade, corn syrup, and food coloring. Occasionally, we’ll add some ground cane sugar to give it some extra zing. Then we [fuck] in it.”

Are there any ways to simply enjoy Stine’s whimsical ghoulish tales without the disturbing side effects? Father Thompson of Maine has stated that after soaking “Chicken Chicken” in holy water for three weeks, he could read it without any consequence, though he still felt a little wrong afterwards. (Though that may have been due to the poor narrative structure) While the holy water idea has proven effective, certain states have banned any of Stine’s work from entering churches altogether.

From this morning's AM New York

Mario ‘books’ it

‘SBTB’ star Lopez, Diamond pen different tales

by Julie Gordon, AM New York

“Mario Lopez isn’t angry that former “Saved by the Bell” co-star Dustin Diamond wrote a book exposing alleged on-set drug use and hookups. If anything, Lopez just feels sorry for the guy.

“He’s gone through rough times, he was in a bad place,” said Lopez, whose voice took on a sympathetic tone when discussing Diamond’s state of mind. “Anyone who feels the need to write something like that that [isn’t doing well]”.

Lopez told us that he hasn’t read Diamond’s book but has heard about it contents.

Meanwhile, Lopez has been busy perfecting his own book, the children’s story “Mud Tacos,” which he wrote with his younger sister, Marissa Lopez Wong. “Mud Tacos” is the tale of a brother and sister who use their imaginations to make tacos out of backyard materials – and learn a few lessons along the way. Lopez also said he is close to finalizing a deal to turn “Mud Tacos” into a cartoon.

While he wants to expose young readers to Mexican culture, Lopez said he doesn’t “want to hit anyone over the head with a tortilla or anything.”

Well, we’re sure we could find a few ladies who wouldn’t mind that scenario one bit.”

So, if this innuendo were to play out...Gordon suggests basically that she knows several women who wouldn't mind being bludgeoned in the head repeatedly by Mario Lopez's **ck? Is this a thing nowadays?

Hip Hip....

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "So, you just want me to point and smile?"

Executive: "You got it J.P., you're doing great!"

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "What am I pointing at exactly?"

Executive: "Heyyy, don't worry about it."

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "No really, what am I gonna be pointing at and thus endorsing?"

Executive: "Wha? Hmm? Sorry, I think I hear my phone ringing. RIIIIIINNNNG."

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "Okay, that was clearly just you making that noise."

Executive: "Jorge, baby! I would never ask you to endorse something that would cheapen or embarrass your legacy, nay, the legacy of the entire New York Yankees organization!"

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "Really? Well alright, that's good enough for me."

Executive: "Ready? Now look into the camera, smile, point...say 'I'm loving it!'"

Kickin Slumber

Man, I had the most rockin’ sleep. I started out by just like lying down, you know? Nothing too difficult. I was ridin’ that left side for awhile, lying on it like a fiend. Check this out though – my left arm was under my pillow right? So then, I take it and swing around to my side so I’m now flat on my stomach, just totally pillow-facing that bed. A move that’s fancier than it is practical for comfort, admittedly. Still, I got some major doze-age out of that, but my sleep buzz was starting to wear and tear. Time to bring in the big guns. I pulled my patented “beached dolphin” move, where I lie on my right side with my left arm hanging down away from my body. Effin’ sweet effin’ move. That may as well have been an express ticket to slumberville. The heat was gettin’ to me though, and the blanket quickly became like a major buzzkill. No prob though, pulled a reverse scissor-kick to get that sucker off the majority of my body. Nice, I was totally set. Not so – cuz then I started to cramp up in said position and had to revert back to start position, riding that left side again. This time though, it was fresh. Real fresh. Call me a letter hunter, cuz I was catching some major kickass Z’s. Bummer though, I was woken up by another dream about demon babies. Heroin is baaad for me.

The Not-As-Good Book

Facebook is getting old. Despite its efforts to stay hip, relevant, and phresh, the F-book is approaching Alta Vista-levels of internet banality. Nobody gets excited about it anymore, its just part of the internet – as much as checking e-mail, googling, and steamy midget-on-horse action. Nevertheless, it remains part of most of our internet rounds, along with checking e-mail, googling, and steamy midget-on-horse acti…er, ebay.

The Rise and Fall of the Book

Between 2003-05 is when most people joined The ‘Book, or when most colleges signed on. (Fordham joined in Fall ’04) Easy connections were made between actual friends that made MySpace look accurately irrelevant by comparison. For those of us already in college, it made all too much sense. You were being friended by several actual friends, and yes, some acquaintances thrown in, but even they you knew at least pretty well.

Time passed…

The strong initial influx of friend requests had given way to long quiet periods of being content with your 83 friends. That felt like a good number. Anything larger would just be ridiculous, right? This all changed with Stephen Waltman – the first questionable friend request you received. Sure, you guys went to the same middle school, but barely spoke to one another, if ever. Hey, what the hell, you accept the request. 84’s still a decent number.

Little did you know however that once this snowball got rolling, there was little that could stop it from becoming a large, cumbersome Pluto-sized orb of destruction. Yeah, that’s a sentence. More childhood acquaintances gained access to The Book, and requested your friendship, an action they never did in real life. However, now that they can see your favorite books, it’s a whole new ballgame. Still, whatever, you’re sitting at a cool 135 friends. You never thought you’d get into triple digits, but here we are.

More time passed…

Suddenly, now high schools have been given access to the Book. You’re getting friend requests from kids who were freshmen when you were a senior in high school. The number jumps to 205. This is getting nutty. You didn’t think you knew this many people, let along people with computers. Nevertheless, you don’t question it, and figure that’s just the way the internet wind’s a-blowin’. Can’t stop change from a-comin’.

The next day…

Everyone has access to the Book. You’re getting friend requests from pretty much anyone who has the internet. Standards rapidly drop for what constitutes Facebook Friendship. Seemingly, all it now takes for someone to feel entitled to your facebook friendship is knowing how to sort-of spell your name. The number is now at 450 and climbing…

The only friend requests you find yourself now receiving are…

Friends who just got Facebook – This is usually accompanied by a status message that claims “I finally gave in”, followed by ample wall postings stating “I knew you’d give in!” and “bout frikin time!” These people rarely show up on your news feed. Their hearts are simply not in it.

Old members of your graduating class you’ve never spoken to. Never the hot, popular ones though. You never get a friend request and go “Hey now, Brenda Lipski, I wonder if she’s single?” It’s always “Uh…it’s Brenda Lipski, I wonder if she went through with that pregnancy.”

People you met at a party last week - You rarely get much use out of this one. If you’re a girl, this is usually a guy taking an extremely passive approach to hitting on you.

Extended Relatives - Who taught Grandma how to use The Book? Cousin Ray, I’m looking in your direction. This one requires some profile and privacy setting adjustments.

Immediate Relatives - Your father wants to reconnect with some old college friends. And if you’re lucky, he’ll constantly comment on your status.

Friend’s Dogs – This isn’t cute or funny. Okay, it’s sort of cute.

People You Don’t Know – These are the people who take the term “social network” to the extreme. Profile picture is usually self-taken, either in a mirror or freehand.

Okay, I don’t feel like writing this anymore.