Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Have You Heard?

Brought to you by a few select Jehovah's Witnesses.

“When am I going to be happy?” - The question echoes from the faces of every one of us at one time or another throughout our lives. Day after day, we wander this Earth hoping for eternal happiness and salvation that constantly seems elusive, despite our better efforts. In desperation, people find spiritual peace through religion. They usually pretend to be happy for awhile, like when someone asks how they’re doing at the supermarket they’re all like “Great, I’ve found Jesus. My church is having a bake sale Friday; it would be most wonderful if you could attend.” However, the bloom comes off the rose fairly quickly, and these people come out the other end just as miserable, if not more so because of their wasted time, energy, and unsold rice krispy treats. However, we at the Jehovah's Witnesses have found the key to true happiness – money, beauty, and fame.

Where do we turn when we are in a time of need? If you said the Bible, surely you are lying so God will love you. The truth is…possessions. What could be more comforting than a physical object to hold and snuggle with, be it a feather pillow, gold watch, or George Foreman Grill? Of course, possessions require money to purchase, and the more of it one has, the more likely their happiness probability. Think of all the happiest people in the world – Donald Trump, Alex Rodriguez, Howard Hughes – their thick wallets lead them on the righteous path to joy and internal peace.

Just listen to these testimonies!

“I was down on my luck – unemployed, alcoholic, TiVo-ing Wendy Williams to watch it again to see if I missed any jokes – but then, I found ten dollars in a public bathroom trash bin! It was like a beacon of light was guiding me home.” – Anonymous (really Thomas Gregories of Arlington, Texas).

Okay, that was only one, but still. Money has proven time and time again to be a key component into people’s everyday happiness. Of course, what good is fortune without the accompanying fame? Jesus teaches us to live like him, as he was on this Earth. Well, guess what fancy pants, Jesus was the most famous guy around during his time. Seeing the likes of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Stephen Hawking, and other talentless spotlight hogs enjoy the same kind of fame as our Lord, we are constantly reminded how endlessly happy they are. Also, think of the paparazzi as disciples. Just do it. People are heeding the good word everyday and becoming famous almost overnight. We of course cannot recommend that you commit a major crime to achieve instant fame and recognition, but hey, it’s a free country (wink). Listen to more satisfied converts!

“I used to go to church every Sunday and Rehab every Wednesday, but I’d come home just feeling empty. Then, I got a sitcom on TBS, and I finally know the true meaning of enlightenment. Thank you, writers of House of Payne.” - T. Perry, Payne Household, MI.

“What is this for again?” – Paula Treverz of Ann Arbor.

Okay we didn’t do our research with that last one, sue us. Just kidding, you can’t! You don’t know our names! (One of us is named Marcus, but you don’t know which one!) Anyway, money and fame are great, sure, but what really brings it all together is beauty. Truly, all of the world’s wealthiest, most famous, and thus happiest, individuals are all beautiful. If you can walk down the street knowing someone is staring at your ass at all times, you feel like the same million bucks you probably resemble. In God’s eyes, we are all beautiful as creatures, but since when has God been known for his fashion sense? Ugly and ugly-ish people have never been happy and while the Bible doesn’t state that, several other books do. Luckily the good Lord has created plastic surgery to take the ectoplasm from those unsightly noses, bellies, and posteriors and put them into lips, bosoms, and posteriors. Indeed, in God’s eyes, we may not be all beautiful, but we all have the opportunity to be. This is God’s way. Let’s hear from another satisfied follower.

“(no comment)” – Jake from next door.

Don’t give us that look. The Bible supports these arguments as well, though some keen reading is required. While the Bible has gained a reputation as a book that is simply about “Jesus”, “forgiveness” and “God’s word”, few people have actually read it to back that up. Throughout the good book, money, fame, and beauty are lauded as the true path to happiness. For instance, the Bible states “Happy are those who conscious of their spiritual need.” (Matthew 5:3), but then follows it up with “...not!”(Matthew 5:4) Material goods are especially praised in the Psalms. “The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it.” (Psalm 37:29) You probably never thought of it that way, huh? Until now that is, sucka. On the subject of beauty, we cannot help but recall that classic passage in the book of Luke: “Tighten up that ass, girlfriend” (Luke 4:12) So please, stop heeding God’s call so much and focus on the true harbingers of happiness – wealth, beauty and mass public recognition.

Please, give the Jehovah's Witnesses something else to do. Give us a reality show or something? Please? We are SO BORED!