Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Latest from Fordham University

I received this e-mail earlier today...


Dear Members of the Fordham Community,

It gives me great pleasure to share Fordham's good news with you. This week Fordham received two honors:As you know by this point of course, as its been all over the national news, the University was chosen as one of the "25 Hottest Schools in America" by the editors of Kaplan/Newsweek’s How to Get Into College Guide. Today we learned that we have achieved one of Fordham's highest rankings ever in the latest U.S. News and World Report. We jumped from 70th last year to 67th, and we are fourth among Catholic schools (after Notre Dame at 19, Georgetown at 23 and Boston College at 35) and seventh among New York schools (after Columbia, Cornell, New York University, Rensselaer, Syracuse and Yeshiva). But we’re still ahead of Mass Maritime! Stupid Mass Maritime! They don’t even deserve to be capitalized by me! Stupid mass maritime! Look out though, Rensselaer, cause here comes Fordham!

We are, of course, pleased that Fordham's reputation is catching up with its accomplishments. The Kaplan/Newsweek and U.S. News designation as one of the nation's top universities is a recognition of all the University offers its students: intellectual rigor; unparalleled learning and career opportunities in New York City; the Jesuit concern for the whole person; and the ability to funnel two forties of Milwaukee’s Best with minimal spillage. We've known for some time now that students who want to be the best and do the best come to Fordham. Those who want to be stupid and ugly go to Boston College and Georgetown. Clearly, Fordham is an institution on the move and it’s wonderful that others around the country are recognizing that fact. Those who continue to deny it are just racist and retarded and gay. It is especially good that the Kaplan guide highlights our commitment to cura personalis, a concern for the care and educational development of the whole person, for it’s truly at the heart of a Fordham education. Also, Fordham came in third at this year’s Semi-Annual Pelham Hot Dog Eating Scarfaroo. In addition, Fordham was told by heartthrob quarterback Chad McMichaels that it looked “pretty cute tonight” at the High School Hop.

The media spotlight comes amid a record-breaking year for Fordham in which 21,942 students applied for admission. It was the first time in the University’s history that the applicant pool crossed the 20,000 mark during an admissions cycle. Next year, the total is projected to be closer to a bajillion-trillion applicants, as Fordham’s popularity increases. We now have over 500 friends on MySpace! In all, applications have increased by 54 percent since 2004, and the acceptance rate has dropped to 42 percent. So…yeah, we’re pretty great.

For complete details on both honors, see the articles on Fordham’s news page. Also, be sure to vote for our photo on! So far, we’re a 4! Not too shabby!

See?! We’re good!! See?!

Best regards,

Joseph M. McShane, S.J.

Adopt a Robot Child

January 13, 2005

A tender smile. An innocent laugh. A new coat of wax. These are some things that some children never have growing up, especially if these children are robots. Every day, young robot children like 7F02 and 89-41S here grow rusty, old, and low on battery power. For only $24 a day, you can give these robot children the ray of hope they’ve sorely needed. In 1996, evil supervillain Doctor Bizarro built a massive army of robot children, only to pass away from a liver disorder two months later, leaving these orphaned robot children alone and without a purpose. For only $24 a day, you will receive a monthly postcard from your robot child, and a matching 5 x 7 photograph, suitable for framing. Show them a proper family. With your help, these robots will finally get the kind of nurturing that can only come from a bi-monthly oiling, and for only $24 a day - that’s less than you would spend if you bought a car every day! Remember, robots are more expensive than regular children. They need to be oiled. So please, won’t you please do your part, and together we can bring these robot children some human happiness.


January 17, 2005

Robot children! Robot children! Robot children! If there’s one thing that human children want, it’s robot children! Low on real friends? A robot child is the ideal solution for your socially awkward son or daughter, providing almost lifelike companionship for hours on end. You see, unlike real children, robot children will never find themselves too cool to hang out with your child. On the contrary, your brand new robot child will fit into your home environment perfectly, even offering to take care of the chores every now and then. And of course, your robot child will never malfunction and try to kill you. All this for two thousand easy payments of twenty four dollars a day! Twenty four dollars, that’s way less than if you had to bail yourself out of jail every day! Your very own robot child will be a symbol of love and affection in your life. Perfect for infertile mothers, the dad on the go, or supervillains attempting to build their own massive robot child army!


January 19, 2005

They’ve gone too far, oh sweet Jesus the carnage! It happened only about an hour ago, all the robots started making this high pitched buzzing noise and then…oh god I don’t even know. We’ve consulted the outside for help, but we think it was just the robot children on the other line, doing their very best impression of a 911 operator. Damn, they’re too smart. We built them too smart! Gary, Gary no! You bastards! You’ve killed him! Oh, sweet Jesus! Please, only you can help! The only way to truly destroy these killer robot children is to purchase a robot child destroying cathode ray. Now these are quite expensive, so we need your help! For only about $24 a day, you can contribute to keep everyone here from…OH CHRIST! THE HUMANITY!...uh, from the robot children. That should give us just enough! HOLY SHIT! That’s right, you can help! Act now, and we’ll throw in one, no, two of the robot children at no extra charge. That’s right! Your own robot child, a $24 a day value! And this one won’t maim and kill you, because…well, it just won’t! OH GOD! Call now, operators are standing by. Please, dear lord, please!

The Robot Children's Foundation went under on January 20, 2005.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Harry Potter and the Lost Spells of Hadge

Here are a few incantations that for one reason or another, Hogwarts left out of their curriculum.

Descendo Stockmarkum – Little known spell that causes the stock market to crash.

Contacto Domino – Orders your enemy twenty-seven anchovy pizzas from Domino’s that they will totally have to pay for. It’ll be awesome.

Motorus Uncoordinato - Makes it so that everytime a driver is unlocking a passenger side car door for your enemy, they try to lift the handle at that exact moment of the attempted unlocking, thus keeping the door locked and leading to several more vain attempts to open the car door. It gets really annoying after awhile.

Elongo Titanico – Increases the running time of the film Titanic by an hour and thirty-five minutes. Nobody really ever uses this one.

Gottfriedo – Spell that causes your enemy to sound like comedian Gilbert Gottfried. There is no known counter spell.

Collectus Dialus – Bewitches your enemy into making collect calls to everyone they know, thus pissing them off royally.

Reducto Testicli – Used to bring fiercest of enemies “down a notch”. They never see it coming.

Cosbify – Causes your enemy to think their Bill Cosby-impression is hilarious, and to break it out at wildly inappropriate moments.

You Got Servedium! – Serves your enemy without the tiresome procedure of a break dancing competition.

Rectium Verbosa – Causes your enemy’s anus to start talking in a Russian accent. It’s actually pretty funny.

Drugifirus Speedofus - Plants a baggie of cocaine in your enemy’s glove compartment, then bewitches them into driving over the speed limit the next time they motor their vehicle, getting themselves pulled over by a state trooper, who then discovers the stash when your enemy reaches for their license and registration. A bit long winded, but effective.

Impotencia – Blocks your enemy from being able to get it up.

Smashmouthus Infinitum – Causes your enemy to have “All Star” by Smash Mouth stuck in their head indefinitely.

Lifto Douchebagiti – Permanently pops your opposition’s collar indefinitely, causing their peers to go “Pfft, what a tool. Can you believe that guy?”

Retardos – Does probably what you think.

Tivotum Scrubsotus – Tivo’s Scrubs for later viewing.

Tivotum Jhericotus – “ Jherico “ “ “

Impregno – Plants a seed in your enemy, male or female, that grows up to be a real pain in the ass.

Silencio Protencia – Quiets down anyone who is giving a heavy-handed, pretentious speech about their views. This comes in handy if one is visiting a liberal arts college.

Minoritos – Causes your enemy to have the racial tolerance of a seventy-eight year old Alabama veteran.

Circumcizum – Take a wild guess.

Tim Allencantatum – Causes your enemy to make a string of really shitty Disney movies.

Reducto Bladdium – Causes your enemy to have to run to the john every three minutes.

Erecto Patronum – Basically serves as the magical equivalent of Viagra. Also, keeps Dementors away. Counter jinx to Impotencia.

Hepititus Totalus – self explanatory.

AIDS! – Ditto.