Monday, February 4, 2008

Chocolate Skittles

Dear Skittles,
How’s it hangin’? We’re good. Look, something has come to our attention recently that we thought we’d just drop you a liz-ine about. We wererecently wandering the candy aisle of our local Rite Aid this past weekend, and something caught us as a bit peculiar to the eye. A peculiar new product – Chocolate flavored Skittles – had recently been added to the shelf. That’s right, little round, chocolate candies that we are sure melt in your mouth, however not in your hand. After seeing this peculiar product, we couldn’t help but be taken aback by the familiarity of said Skittles product, as though the concept had previously been tackled quite successfully. Now, I think the boundaries of the candy world are made perfectly clear, and you know very well which side of the sweetness spectrum you are responsible for. Kindly do not bleed into ours. We are willing to overlook this, let’s call it a “mental faux pas”, and assume it was a simple mistake on your part, forgetting that there was an almost identical product out there that has been carrying the banner in the “small round chocolate candies” world for the better part of human history. Thank you for listening and we forgive you ahead of time.
The Good Gentlemen of M&M’s

Dear M&M Guys,
We’re good, good to hear you are also good. Oh, it was no mistake on our part to release a Skittle chocolate variation, we’re well aware that we’re infringing on your territory. It’s just that, and don’t this the wrong way, America’s a little tired of the same old lame ass chocolate candy. We are merely offering a newer, better, more exciting alternative. You see, while you guys have one lame ass chocolate flavor for your candies, we offer our valued customers five intense chocolate flavors, from Hot Cocoa to White Coffee Supreme, to sustain a customer’s attention span for upwards of two bags. So do not look for Chocolate Skittles bags to disappear from the shelves, as they will be a longstanding candy aisle staple for what we expect will be, the remainder of Earth’s duration. Did I mention they melt neither in your mouth nor your hand? Yeah, well they do.
Your “Friends”,
The Skittle People

Dear Skittles People,
We cannot quite tell if you are kidding or not but for serious, cease this pointless charade. You simply cannot win this battle, so you may as well back down this instant. M&M’s are a beloved candy that provides plenty of variety for our valued consumers. For instance, when it is Christmas, we make our candies colored only red and green; likewise pastel colors during Easter. Needless to say, the American public appears to be more than content with the product we are churning out. Also, it is simply a matter of fraudulent candy-related plagiarism. For instance, you do not see us making fruit flavored chocolate candies, putting a little “S” on them, and passing them off as “New Improved Fruity Inappropriate M & M’s That Are Actually Just Skittles (Which Already Exist)!” Now that would just be outrageous.
Here’s hoping you will reconsider,
The Good Gentlemen of M&M Candies

Dear M+M,
The Skittle Dudes

Dear Skittle Stupid Heads,
Listen you fruity little SOBs, you’re entering a world of pain! We at M&M will strike with the utmost of force, and you will know not what hit you. Have you ever seen what a crushed Skittle looks like? With its crackled pieces of colored sugar scattered amidst a mass of homely white innards – needless to say the picture is not pretty. Now, imagine millions of these scattered in your front yards. Yeah, we didn’t want to take the gloves off, but you’re forcing our hands. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Your Worst Nightmare (M&M’s)

Dear M, M,
Suck it, bitch.
S to the Kittles

Dear Heads of Skittles,
Okay, we saw what you guys did, okay? Sour Skittles? WTF is that?! Why you gotta break balls, dude?
Sour Patch Kids, Warheads, and Those Little Watermelon Thingies

Hey Skitz,
I heard about what you guys are up to. Seriously, abort mission, bro. M Squared is pissed, and the SP Kids are flipping a shit right now. Also, while I’m digging the new peanut butter filled Skittles, I can’t help but feel like they are essentially Reese’s Pieces, I mean pretty much. This could throw the entire candy world order on its axis. Please, I implore you to think about what you are doing here!
The Alliance of Reese’s
PS – New Twizzler-Shaped Skittles are delicious.

Skittles –
Just because we have yet to strike doesn’t mean we aren’t still going to. You just wait, we’re biding our time. It’s totally not because we lack the resources to attack or our moms won’t give us a ride – those are definitely not two reasons we have not attacked. So…yeah, don’t think we’ve forgotten. Wrath Is coming, M&M-style!
America’s #1 Round Chocolate Candy Forever

Dear Skittle Guys,
New Baloney Flavored-and-Shaped Skittles are really starting to piss me off! There’s nothing to even make them Skittles! They’re just pieces of damn baloney, you jerk-offs! Oh, and the sticker on the label that says “Way better than Oscar Meyer Baloney (Which Sucks)” – unnecessary. Skittles? More like SHITTles!
Oscar Meyer

My Dear, Dear Skittles,
We’re still cool right?
Jr. Mints

Heyyy Skittles,
Um, we couldn’t help but notice that you have yet to copy us, and um…good, keep it that way! Why would we want you guys to steal our awesome candy properties, and make them relevant again? I mean, sure it’d be flattering, but no…its best that you haven’t. Although, we may have accidentally enclosed the recipe of our awesome product in this letter, but we really can’t comment on that one way or another. So…yeah, you have our number.
Don’t get any ideas (wink),
Those Soft Peanut Candies Lame Families Give Out on Halloween

To Whom It May Concern:
Skittles and Skittles-related Products appreciate your input and “opinion”, but we are an ever-growing empire of sugary delights, not unlike the fictional one presented in Roald Dahl’s classic tale, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. As such, we must be nurtured, and allowed to progress naturally without any disturbance from outside influences. If you have any complaints or concerns, please do not send them to us, they are quite irritating. We are changing our number and not telling you what the new one is, so don’t bother trying to call us. Our recommendation would be to simply give in to Skittles – we may as well live together in peace. If we can’t, you will swiftly be destroyed, and we’ll make a candy vaguely based on yours, as a “tribute”.
God Bless Motherf***rs,
The Skittles
PS – Hope none of you were too attached to M&M’s.