Saturday, June 27, 2009

Make Friends with Kool-Aid!

This Kool-Aid commercial from 1966 just sends the wrong message...

A few things...

- No wonder Jimmy didn't have any friends - he's a dick! After Bugs Bunny provides him the Kool-Aid that gives him all his friends for some reason, he doesn't even share! Then abandons him for the friends who are clearly just using him for his 'Aid.

- After Jimmy says that no one's around, Bugs's logical solution is to make some Kool Aid. Now, I'm no expert, but I'd think there's a lot on a ten-year-old boy's list of things to do when no one's around that would be ahead of that...and may or may not include undressing your sister's Barbies.

- 0:28 -"Hey Johnny, you know what this picture really needs? Fat kid."

- All these kids just sort of materialize when Jimmy makes the Kool-Aid. One kid comes from a damn tree. A TREE.

- Somehow, the fact that Bugs Bunny is right there isn't as big a deal as the pre-sweetened sugar-water. It was the sixties, that kind of thing was a regularity. But Kool-Aid?! Hell, we gotta sneak into the yard of that kid we hate to get some of that.

I bet a lot of lonely children were duped into buying Kool-Aid in 1966.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Birthday Booze, Blondes and Blowouts (and Spray Tans...but that didn't start with B)

We get up every day for unique experiences, at least I'm pretty sure no one gets up hoping for a similar routine every day (Professional Lapdance-Getters Aside...cuz they exist). These unique experiences pepper and enrich our lives, shaping who we are and what we want out of our existence. I brought about a unique experience for several close friends this weekend. When planning an open bar for my birthday, because I wanted to take a year off from the standard McDonald's/magician combo, I contacted a guy I know who bartends at what I considered to be a pretty cool place. He said he could get me an open bar at not that bar, but the other bar he worked at. Hey, not bad, it's probably an equally cool place...why should I think otherwise, right?

Here are the reasons I should have thought otherwise:

- As I walked in, three guys who looked like Spencer Pratt stood at the bar with mojitos.

- As I asked who to talk to about the open bar, I was told "the guy at the front with the ponytail."

- It was in Murray Hill

- The manager explained to me that the open bar would begin at 10, "when the tv's go off, the lights dim, and we turn on the disco ball."

- The manager looked like Jeff Probst

- I had not realized at the outset that I was sharing this open bar with a "hot chick". I guess I was expected to just get an instant, uncontrollable boner when I heard this news, as the manager was very excited to tell me. However...

- Hot chicks are friends with tools, and...

- Tools travel in packs.

- The acquarium in the back which consisted of two of the most miserable looking turtles I've ever seen. I guess turtles never really look happy, but these turtles were miserable. I feel ya turtles.

- The manager asked me at one point what I wanted to drink, and heard my "Jack and coke" as "Jack and cock". Hilarity ensued. For him. For three solid minutes.

- "I didn't know if this was the right place. You'd never come here" was the first thing at least twelve of my guests said upon arrival.

- "We're...gonna get going" was the second thing at least fifteen people said upon arrival.

- Identifying my guests amidst the hot chick's guests was fairly easy. If I didn't see a blowout or bleached blonde hair in a particular spot, I assumed my friends were standing there.

- They had a plainclothes bathroom attendant. I started using a ladyfriend's Purell just to avoid him.

- The Yankees won, on a popup error, against the Mets, the game of which played on the one television that was still turned on. With guidos primarily split between Jersey/Long Island, there was nobody indifferent about that game, and they all expressed themselves. A "Let's Go Yankees" chant broke out, despite the fact that the game had just ended, and the television now had post-game lockeroom analysis.

- Lotsa Bon Jovi on the jukebox. Lotsa.

I have since been going around like an obligated sex-offender, apoligizing to any and all friends who attended. For in their own way, they were all violated and shall never truly be the same. However, their lives have also been secretly enriched, as none of them would have ever willingly been put in a similar situation. How's that for a shitty silver lining?

So, back to Mickey D's and balloon animals next year.

Monday, June 1, 2009

IRS - I Really Suckatmath

So today, I had my first instance of my poor math skills resulting in something awesome. Alright, maybe they were not the direct cause of something awesome, but they did not result in a "C - You're terrible at this" mark from eight grade trig teacher Mr. Brook, which for math, is something of a first.

Let me explain...

So today, I receive two envelopes in the mail from the IRS. One of them is obviously my tax return, judging from the envelope. The other left me curious, as I could not imagine why the IRS would send me two things on the same day after going the whole year with nary a Christmas card. Anyway, I open this mystery letter to read the following...

Why We Are Sending You This Notice: We are writing to you because we made a change to your 2008 Federal Income Tax Return. We will explain why we made this change below.

Why We Made This Change: We computed your recovery rebate credit for you on Line 9 of Form 1040.

Now, I never claim to be a math wiz, or even a math guy-who's-decent-at-it, but numbers and myself have been natural born enemies since Sesame Street tried to teach me to count with that scary-ass singing orange. We go together like Susan Boyle and sanity (topical!). I am aware of this.

Unfortunately, the IRS obviously realizes this, as simple tax form calculations are not exactly long division. I find long division really hard. Therefore, they obviously looked at my form, had a good laugh at my easily-avoidable mistakes, and couldn't let the issue go. No, they needed to send out a separate form to remind me how bad I am at math. Really, the first draft of the form probably went like this...

Why We Are Sending You This Notice? Because you suck at math.

Why We Made The Change
- Because you apparently can't handle simple addition, Ace.

Sure, I got a larger refund check that, due to my own failed computations, was a pleasant surprise. However, 'tis bittersweet, because now the IRS just thinks I'm a dumbass. However, I'm writing them back to set the record straight.

Dear IRS,

I've always been more of a History/English guy.