Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Eggo ROFL's

(NOTE: the title has really, nothing to do with what follows. But come on, “Eggo ROFL”s? ROFLMAO! Seriously tho, this is actually about the apocalypse)

I bought some Eggo waffles last night, because if you have access to news stories, you know that there’s only so much time. Soon there will be no more Eggo’s to leggo, and if you, like me, have been taking Eggo waffle availability for granted, now’s the time to make some semblance of amends. However, after a little bit of research, it dawned on me that this Eggo shortage is not to be taken lightly, no sir. For the lack of Eggo waffles appears to be the first tiny pebbles in the avalanche that signals the end of our civilization. Am I blowing this out of proportion? F no. Observe…

Seven signs of the Apocalypse:

1. A False Prophet will rise
2. War and rumors of wars
3. Famines
4. Earthquakes
5. Persecutions and tortures to the elect
6. Lawlessness
7. This good news of the kingdom will be proclaimed to the whole world

Famines! See? It’s all right there! This fits exactly into the popular theory of “if you can’t eat waffles, what’s the point of eating”, and will make the earthquakes that follow seem like a comparative relief. I imagine the phrasing of “famine” is deliberately vague because the original prophets were unsure which specific brand of waffle would fall victim. If that doesn’t give you the chills, look a little lower on your internet browser.

The Book of Revelation also, when actually read, reveals much about our current situation. Therein, a particular harrowing quote is found; “I looked beyond into the great white into nothingness. A great flash bestowed upon my fasting eyes and unto humanity. Judgment Day has come, and there are no waffles.”(Daniel 10:2ff) Also, the book of Genesis also speaks of an “Angel” bringing forth the apocalypse. Perhaps not coincidentally, the angel is either indifferent or unlearned of waffles.

The Mayans are known for their precise calendar making and also somehow future predicting. Thus, 2012 has been marked as the end of days due to their ending the calendars that year. What people pay way less attention to is their mark for what’s gonna happen in 2010. Let’s take a look…

“2010 – Waffles gone. Panic sets in.

2012 - Apocalypse” – The Mayans

Creepy, right? It’s not just the Mayans either. Nostradamus has strikingly similar accounts.

“2010 – No more waffles. Humanity disconcerned.

2012 – Apocalypse” – Nostradamus

And if that’s not enough, look immediately below…

Yes, this is an artistic rendering of what the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse definitely look like, but think back to all we as a society have come to know about these four gentlemen. They signal doom, judgment, the end of days, and also…you guessed it…are never holding waffles. Yes, there are several different interpretations of the Four Horsemen and their specific characteristics but think about it, no one ever mentions waffles being present. If this didn’t seem so conclusive, I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing.

But there’s more…

Witness the above screen cap from Roland Emmerich’s November summer blockbuster 2012. If there's one guy who knows his apocalypses, it's Roland Emmerich. Thus, I think he would have a pretty good idea of what things would look like immediately before the world ends.

Do you see waffles? I sure don’t.

Indeed, every depiction of the end of days reveals a complete lack of waffles. I don’t mean to freak you out, society, but this is all hard to ignore. However, heed these words not as doom, but as perspective; a warning not to take our current breakfast pastries for granted. Whether used to sandwich eggs and bacon or doused in the good lady Jemima’s nectar, enjoy those Eggos now. They may be delicious, but sometimes delicious also implies world-ending. (See: nothing)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

ABC Family's 25 Days of Misguided Promotion

The Christmas Season has arrived, it being post-Labor Day and all, and far be it for ABC Family to not promote their 25 Days of Christmas programming orgy. As such, a whimsical insert was placed in every copy of AM New York (cranky NY commuters between 24-65 being the clear target demographic for ABC Family) on Tuesday, December 1st carrying adorable news stories such as “Elves on Strike”, “Santa on Vacation”, and a hard-hitting Q&A with Heat Miser/Snow Miser. Of course, everyone loves Christmas movies, and ABC Family is well aware of this fact. But with so many great Christmas movies, no two people are ever gonna have the same favorite…are they?! This question clearly needed to be taken to the streets, and that’s exactly what AM New York/ABC Family did. Let’s take a look at some of the results, you guys.

Surely we’ll get a lot of answers of The Grinch, It’s a Wonderful Life, A Charlie Brown Christmas, you know…the yooj. Right?

Hm, the Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? That’s an outside-the-box selection. I’m all for unpredictable choices, so good on you Alex Frank for sticking with your guns and not caring what people will think after they read that a 52-year old professional consultant’s favorite holiday film is The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”. Clearly, you were the target audience. A little strange not to pick the first Santa Clause, but I hear this third installment is where the franchise really picks up steam. I’m guessing Mr. Frank has gotten enough slack from former friends for having this view, so I won’t further question it. Onward...

Wow, Mr. Benjamin (not on iTunes, just checked) feels real strong about his admiration of “Unaccompanied Minors”, going so far as to yell the word “love”. No hesitation evident on this no doubt spur of the moment question. He even goes so far as to point out specific favorite scenes, causing me to envision their respective hilarious scenarios, and desire to view these hijinks first hand. Luckily I have a chance to catch it next Monday at 8, which is good because I’m assuming there’s a ginormous wait for it this time of year on Netflix. Also, it’s a holiday movie? Also, you can’t see the picture, but BenJammin (his singer/songwriter alias) looks not like how 26-year-olds look.

Now I really feel for Marissa. There’s a lot going through your head when you get a question like this – everyone expects you to say “A Christmas Story” or “Miracle on 34th Street” or hell, “Elf”…lord there are a ton of cinematic Christmas classics. There's a ton of pressure to pick one of those standards, but she sticks with her guns and proudly proclaims her favorite holiday film, the creme de la (of the) creme, if you will – “Holiday in Handcuffs”. Obvious really. Why has nobody else already mentioned that? In another classic case of “how-people-really-talk”, Marissa apparently verbalizes how most 14-year olds text or how curmudgeonly network execs think teenagers communicate in general. Now, again, I’ve never seen “HIH” as the kids are calling it, so I guess I’m out of luck. Wait…well I’ll be darmed (a combination of “damned” and “darned” I just made up), it’s on ABC Family Dec. 10th at 8! Gosh, these responses are really coinciding with what’s airing on ABC Family in the coming weeks. I’m sure that’s purely coincidental, as these are truly believable opinions.

Favorite films also mentioned include: "The Year Without a Santa Claus”, “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”, “The Polar Express”, and “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and the Island of the Misfit Toys” (not the super shitty original). Films not mentioned include: every actual good Christmas movie ever made. I guess credit is due to AM New York and ABC Family for tracking down the seven humans in the city/country whose range of holiday film viewing is wildly limited, and coincides with their programming schedule. I suppose there’s always the possibility that the ABC Family people fabricated some of these quotes, but phrases like “OMG! I heart Holiday if Handcuffs!” are totally just something someone would say.

(photos courtesy of Mike "Badge" Biette)