Monday, August 31, 2009

The Wallwigg Way

Sammy Wallwigg is the campus big shot. Any lady who's any lady wants to be with Sammy, and those who don't have just reserved themselves to the fact that they're too unattractive for him. With his garish good looks, fit frame, and irresistible charms, it's not hard to see why Wallwigg is a hit with the ladies. He's slept with cheerleaders, gymnasts, and hand models, and leaves them all begging for more. So what's Sammy's secret?

"I can climax almost instantly", he boasts.

"Most guys can take up to five or seven minutes, leaving the female participant bored and impatient. I get in there, do my business, and get out. It's simple time management, and it sells." Wallwigg has quite the reputation around campus, and yes, much of it is self-planted. Still, it puts the rest of the guys on campus in their place. They know who the king is.

"Man, some of us guys can do it in four minutes. Three minutes, maybe", laments campus low shot Roy Butterburg. "But a minute-thirteen? We can't compete with that."

"Sammy Wallwigg is...not necessarily the best I've ever had. Far from it. I mean, he was really quick" claims local female Stephanie Drutman. "I got so much other stuff done that night, which was good because it was around midterms. Overall, I guess thumbs up?"

Along with his unparalleled bedroom talents, myth of amazing feats swirl around Wallwigg's reputation. Rumors of climaxing at simply a makeout have given the lesser men something to strive for. Legend has it that Wallwigg's record is nineteen seconds, accomplished with Rugby team captain Julianne Frosters.

"That's a stretch", confirms Frosters. "It wasn't that long".

Wallwigg's swagger instantly reflects his abilities and accomplishments. His seduction techniques can get the ladies in bed almost as quick as he gets them out. And while much crying and apologizing afterward every single time would shake the reputation of a lesser man, Wallwigg loses none of his mystique.

This fall, Wallwigg plans to begin a seminar ("The Wallwigg Way"), coaching less successful guys on how to get a woman into the bedroom, and experience immediate ecstasy. "I've been blessed with a great gift", he beams. "What kind of man would I be if I wasn't willing to share my knowledge and abilities? Under my plan, more guys will be experiencing faster, quicker, and more hilariously instant orgasms than ever before."

In our Google-instant world, it's about time.

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