How I Nailed That FUSE Audition

Yesterday marked my first actual foray into the life of a professional performer. I had gotten a call to audition for a VJ on a pop music video show on the FUSE network, which is probably channel 742 on your cable box. Their only criteria was that I "be prepared to talk about pop music". Seems pretty simple. I am a great admirer of pop music. However, it turned out that they did not mean "In general" or "made between 1964 and 1975", so I figured I was up a proverbial creek. Of the ass.

Thus...I started on some research, looking at the Billboard charts and YouTubing any Hot 100 Hits that I may have missed (all of them). Of course, pop music is such a vast terrain that there was no way I was going to learn everything in time. Plus, there was no way that they'd ask me "specific" questions, like "What's the name of Eminem's crew" or some crap like that. Thus, I stopped my research and concentrated on my super cool VJ image and alter-ego.

Unfortunately, once I arrive at said audition, I am presented with a sheet of paper requiring me to fill out my name, email, turn-ons, etc. All is fine and dandy until I realize that this sheet has a back side. What I was presented with was LITERALLY a Pop Quiz (PUN EXTREMELY INTENDED)of VERY SPECIFIC pop questions! Right there, I knew I'd been beat. However, I did not let it get me down. What follows is the actual quiz and yes, my actual answers. What you are about to see is totally real and totally unscripted.

1) Who originally recorded Kelly Clarkson’s “I Don’t Hook Up?”

Bing Crosby, but he was lying.

2) Who recently resigned with Island Def Jam records?

Hammer…just sounds like something he’d do.

3) Who discovered and signed Panic at the Disco?

Trick question…that's not a real band.

4) Who’s real name is Alicia Moore?

Alicia Keys. NEXT!

5) What group was Fergie in before joining the Black Eyed Peas?

Wings.

6) Name three artists Timbaland has worked with.

I know he is planning on working with the Jonas Brothers, so I choose to count them as three separate artists.

7) Who are the Fugees?

Mickey Dolenz, Peter Tork, Mike Nesmith, and Davy Jones.

8) Name three members of the Wu Tang Clan.
No.

9) What is the name of Eminem’s crew, and what does the name mean?

The Junkyard gang, it’s a Fat Albert reference.

10) Who founded Cash Money Records?

Eddie Money. Definitely.

Yes, this fine display of intelligence is in a casting director's folder somewhere, or much more likely, in the trash bin under the desk in that audition room.