Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Apple Buys Right to All "i-" Words

If you are a word that starts with a lower case “i”, Apple now owns you. Indeed, Steve Jobs and Co. have let the world know that they mean business when it comes to product naming, buying the rights to use all words in the English language that begin with a lower case “i” for potential future use. “I mean, what if iPod had been a preexisting word? We would have been screwed” states Jobs. “These are chances I am no longer willing to take”. Longtime English-language favorites such as ice cream, idiot, and imagination are, effective next month, closed to the public. While the outcry from these changes is expected to be substantial, Apple remains confident that the blow will be softened by the public’s eagerness for new pint-sized electronic products. “The use of a lower case ‘i’ has been a privilege, not a right” claims English professor Donald Quagley. “We as a people have taken it completely for granted, and Apple is making us feel the burn.”

In taking such a bold marketing move, Apple recognizes that the public’s everyday language use will be thrown a tad asunder. However, they wish to make clear that any “I” word can still be utilized, so long as it is at the beginning of a sentence and/or requires usage of a capitol version of the letter. Thus, sentences such as “Jerome has illegitimate children” are to now be rephrased as “Illegitimate children are what Jerome has.” Additionally, if such a sentence inversion is impossible, the writer must consult a thesaurus, or right click on said word and select the “Synonyms” option. Though these adjustments may be painstaking at first, the public is projected to get the hang of it after a few solid months.

Meanwhile, some “I” words will simply be altered completely. Taking a particular hit are words that mean the opposite of other words, such as “irresponsible” or “insufficient”. However, a plan has already been drawn up that would allow these words to be replaced by the far more grammatically awkward “unresponsible” and “unsuffiecient”. These principles would be applied throughout the English language, and some of the French.

Penalties for unproper lower-case “i” usage consist of fines, potential jail time, and having Justin Long sent to your house to act smugly superior to you in front of your friends.

Is all of this really necessary? “Absolutely”, claims Jobs. “Consumers would see certain English words and get confused. For instance, they’d see ‘igloo’ and think ‘Oh, did Apple release a new, beefed up version of ‘gloo’ with internet access?’ Additionally, we at Apple are no longer limited in our product titling. If we want to make a product called the iGloo, we can now!” When asked what the product would do, Jobs stated the point was Unrelevant.

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