Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Worst Rejected Letterman Jokes of 2008

And now, some unfiltered shittiness from me to you. 2008 was a year full of stories, and what better way to pay tribute to these stories than to write cheesy, forced jokes about them? Here are just a few of the ones I forced out of myself in the dead of night in the past few months. I hope you enjoy them somehow.

Campaigns are urging everyone to get out of their house and vote, which is great for Lehman Brothers employees without homes.

In honor of Election Day, MTA workers are letting you vote on how you want your Subway trip delayed.

Sarah Palin took a prank call from a French comedian impersonating French President Sarkozy – well the French have swindled the best of ‘em through the years.

…marking the first time the French have successfully outwitted anyone.

…leave it to the ol’ Maverick hockey mom to make the French look cunning.

…the thing is, those same guys have been convincing President Bush for seven years.

…and her experience with foreign affairs was instantly doubled.

Obama is swearing to fix the economy – for starters, he’s going to make Sarah Palin return her wardrobe.

They showed footage of a McCain rally, and I hadn’t seen that many sad Republicans since Garth Brooks released his last album.

Bush has stated he’s going to move back to Texas with “fond memories”, proving he wasn’t paying much attention for eight years.

Obama has selected the members of his transition team – some encouraging news: no plumbers.

Obama has already set some rules for the White House – for one, Oprah’s not to be allowed on property.

It’s pretty rainy out, earlier today I saw former Lehman Brothers employees bathing in puddles.

A study says that teen pregnancy is tied to teenagers watching sexy TV shows – well there’s an easy fix, make them watch this show.

There were reports this week that Sarah Palin was unaware that Africa was a continent – in her defense, it’s probably very hard to see from her house.

Chilly day in New York today – so chilly that OJ was seen stealing firewood.

Same-sex marriage supporters are urging gay people to call in sick to work on Wednesday – so you can just forget about that Broadway matinee of Spring Awakening.

Christmas time in New York is beautiful, in fact they just put the lights on that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

…they have those displays in the windows at Macy’s, you know, of employees getting laid off.

An Iraqi reported hurled a shoe at George W. Bush this weekend, in other words, Iraqi defense still needs some work .

A report revealed no contact between Blagojevich and Obama during the senate scandal. It also revealed that there was no contact between Blagojevich and a hair stylist.

Only a week until Christmas, and Cheney is waterboarding people on the naughty list.

The economic crisis is hitting everyone this holiday season, in fact Santa had to lay off 35,000 elves.

The cost of the Iraq and Afghan wars has topped $900 billion, but don’t worry – Oprah’s got it covered.

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