NYU Admittance a Growing Problem

(Rooters - Wednesday) A growing epidemic among young people has the nation in a tizzy. With each passing September, it appears that an increasing number of teenagers are falling victim to New York University Admittance. The New York City college, which has claimed the lives of millions of young men and what are thought to be, young women, was founded sometime ago by a man who wanted to create a school where “students could think outside the box, embrace their differences from the rest of society, and use it as an excuse to act completely weird and alienating.”

Studies show that even experimentation with one NYU summer class can lead to full time admission, and a subsequent downward spiral. Even more studies show that while these problems are thought to be most rampant with inner city youth, the primary victims have been upper-middle class whites. (Inner city youth could not afford the tuition, nor would be likely to get accepted due to a weak resume).

“Do they really think it’s cool?” asks Cheryl Bloom, a local parent. “I blame the rappers who make it look glamorous! The way they’re allowed to follow their career goals so specifically. It’s sick. You hate to see that happen to a young person.”

A common reason for NYU Admittance (NYUA) seems to be peer pressure, explains Doctor of Psychology Wilfred Alberts. “They see all their favorite celebrities becoming NYU students and they follow suit. These so-called ‘idols’ are supposed to be setting an example [gosh darn it]!”

“Why are these young people applying so willingly? It’s hard to say”, claims another Doctor of Psychology Robert Watkins, “Some may call it a desperate cry for attention. Not me though; I just find it annoying.” Indeed, many students who fall victim to NYUA were outcasts throughout their adolescence, and are now relishing an opportunity to be “different for the sake of being different” (from NYU Mission Statement).

Symptoms of NYU admission include regular donning of flannel, dark rimmed glasses, occasional ironic haircuts, Converse sneakers, and if facially capable, an unnecessary lumberjack beard. Those affected are often seen wearing scarves regardless of the outdoor temperatures. Also, victims are notorious for unusually lousy taste. “Arcade Fire? Garden State? Falafel? These are not the favorites of a clear-thinking human” expresses Professor of Thought, Dr. Steven Barrows.

After some initial experimentation with classes that at first sounded interesting, students soon begin to get completely lost in their specific, predetermined concentration. In many instances, these young people become driven and crippled by their craving for concentrated education beyond the point of recognition. Additionally, with every passing year, more and more NYU Students are lost to graduation, which in turn frees up room for more incoming students. The brutal cycle, seemingly, never ends.

Though times look grim, steps have been taken to spread NYU Admittance Awareness (NYUAA). Efforts are being made to rid high schools of NYU admissions information, though the problem is simply too vast. As recent as last week, Bobby Ryvell and Samuel King, both Juniors at North Brunswick High School, were suspended for reading an NYU information pamphlet together in the boys’ bathroom. Rumors were that the boys had been pushing the pamphlet on younger students, many of whom had a full year to go before thinking about collegiate education. Additionally, more cities are opening up voluntary rehab centers referred to as “The Military”.

The media is also doing its part. Aging rocker Neil Young’s recently released album Goodbye Old Paint is a tribute to a dear friend he lost to NYU in the seventies. “He just got so pretentious and annoying” claims Young, “I just really didn’t want to hang out with him anymore.” Furthermore, recently released motion picture Requiem for an NYU Student is the latest attempt to bring the harsh realities of NYUA to the forefront of society. The film follows the path of four high school graduates who, despite their better judgment, apply, are accepted, and attend NYU. One of the film’s most harrowing scenes in when the female lead is shown listening to a Sufjan Stevens album while studying for her final in Great 19th Century Agrarian Sculptors Who Wore Hats During Dusk Hours 102. It’s currently at 34% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Amidst all the corruption, there is indeed a ray of hope. For instance, certain NYU applicants do not get accepted, and go on to lead mainstream lives. Additionally, some NYU graduates appear to have turned out fine, as English Major Tom Livingston (NYU class of ‘07) claims, “I had a great experience. I’m actually going to grad school at Harvard in the fall to get my masters, so yeah, can’t complain.” However, a close friend of Livingston declares that indeed he had become “kind of a douche”.