Recently discovered Nickelodeon contract from 1998

Dear Parent and/or Guardian and/or Homosexual Adopted Look-er After-er,

We at Nickelodeon would like to thank you for choosing our network’s programs as your outlet to live through your child. Rest assured, a wild and wacky adventure awaits your son or daughter on one of our fine network programs. However, we at Nick care about your child’s safety above all else. As a result, we kindly ask you to sign this simple contract, for legal purposes, in case any mishap should take place. Again, we care very deeply about your child’s safety.

I_____________________, hereby do not hold Nickelodeon, Nick at Nite, the Nicktoons Network, or any of its affiliates responsible if any of the following should occur.

If participating in GUTS:

- Your child breaks both his knees on the obstacle course.
- Your child is crushed by a boulder on the Agro Crag.
- Your child is beaten by a girl.
- Your child inhales unhealthy amounts of sparkly confetti while climbing “the Crag”
- Your child is impaled on “the Crag”.
- Your child crashes the Huffy bike that he wins.
- Your child unwittingly discovers that “Mo” is in fact not British, but a rather prominent member of the Austrian mafia working incognito.
- You child is taken out by the Austrian mafia.
- Your child befriends Mike O’Mally.

If participating in LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE:

- Your child is molested by a temple guard.
- Your child drowns in the moat.
- Your child is attacked by the radioactive piranhas that for some reason inhabit the moat.
- Your child, a Blue Barracuda, falls in love with a Green Monkey player, and the two rival gangs have a “rumble” that night
- Your child is eaten by Olmec.
- Your child can’t figure out how to put together the Silver Monkey, and is deemed “retarded” by his peers forever.
- Your child crashes the Huffy bike that he wins.
- Your child trades the Melody Pop he won by being eliminated in the first round for crack in the studio parking lot after the show.
- Your child accidentally stumbles upon some mummified corpses of past child contestants in the basement of the Hidden Temple.

If participating in DOUBLE DARE:

- Your child’s skin, liver, or brain is infected by Gak™, which also goes by the name of Radon Glyciphonate III.
- Upon being “slimed” your child goes blind.
- Your child selects a “physical challenge”, and it turns out to be “Shave Mark Somer’s back”.
- Your child gets crushed by a giant cue tip while retrieving a red flag out of the giant ear.
- Your child gets lost in the giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and is eaten by Laurie Beth Dinberg (who just happened to be on set that day).

If participating in WHAT WOULD YOU DO:

- Your child receives a concussion from the pie machine.
- Your child is traumatized by Mark Somers’s raging OCD.
- If the card stuck on your child’s forehead reads “Take a bath with Mark Somers”, and your child misguidedly chooses it.
- Your child falls into the pie machine, and is accidentally eaten by Laurie Beth Dinberg (who just happened to be on set that day)

If participating in NICK ARCADE:

- Your child becomes indefinitely trapped in the final round video game.
- Your child loses his spirit because this show will only be on at 7 AM on a Sunday, and no one will ever see it.
- Your child becomes a nerd.
- Your child is eaten by Laurie Beth Dinberg, (who eats children).

If participating in FIGURE IT OUT:

- Your child has his mind boggled because of Danny Tambourelli’s query of “Does it wear purple pants?”
- Your child’s mind is boggled because of Danny Tambourelli’s query of “Can it drive…old…underpants?”
- Your child’s mind is boggled because of Danny Tambourelli’s query of “Is it a giant cookie maker…machine…dog?”
- Your child’s mind is boggled because of Danny Tambourelli’s query of “Did you invent a machine to save my career?”
- Your child has a really shitty accomplishment, like “Invented Toad Feader Hat”.
- Your child, upon receiving that fifty dollar gift certificate to Toys R Us, buys a Huffy bike.
- Your child’s only friend is his Huffy bike.
- Your child crashes his only friend.

Thank you, we know you have a choice in which outrageous, loud children’s network to choose to expose your offspring to fulfill your lost dreams of fame. Thank you for choosing Nickelodeon to do so. Sign below, and your child will be awaited by a fun magical world of magic, fun, and molestation…er, fun.

Sign here: ________________