Thursday, December 14, 2006

Daily One Act Plays: Part 1

Alright, this may require a bit of an explanation. You see, ever since freshman year of college, I have put an unhealthy amount of time into my AOL Instant Messanger profiles. Like, more than all courses and social time put together. Times eight. Of course, freshman year of college is the time when every adolescent realizes that they can be connected to the internet 24/7 and thus can be "away" instead of signed off. This allows for maximum exposure of your away message, profile, and if you're so inclined, livejournal. During this span, I developed an ongoing series that I called the Daily One Act Plays. They usually lasted about five lines, and made no sense whatsoever. In fact, I honestly don't know what was going through my head at the time of conception. It really worries me. Also, you may notice just how dated a lot of these are (the Taco Bell chihuahua?!). Anyway, here are a select few that I'd saved. ENJOY!

(Not-So) Daily One Act Play: Dude, Where's My Szars?
(setting: Detroit, yesterday)
Billy: What am I gonna do with all these turnips?
Old Prospector: Why dems turnips are evil I tells ya, they're built on an ancient Canadian Indian burial ground.
1920s Gangster: Now wait just a minute, see? Yoo bettah scram!
Tommy, the parapalegic half-man, half-mole who has a lisp and guest starred on an episode of "Dharma and Greg" but whose carreer didn't really go anywhere so now he's in this play. He also has crabs: Ok.
Elmo: STOP F#$%ING TICKLING ME!!!
Fin.

(Not-So) Daily One Act Play: The Never Ending Saga of Preperation H
(setting: Jerusalem, 3005)
Fair Maiden: My word, good sir, have you any meed?
Good Sir: Meed? Haw, haw, haw. Yes, meed for all the poor Ethiopians.
Your Mom: Can someone point me to the egg depository?
Rumplestiltskin: Yo cuiro Taco Bell!
The Yankees: (cry,...very homosexually)
Fin.)

(Not so) Daily One-Act Play: The Away Message Ball
(setting: The Ritz, Argentina - in seven minutes)
Boringazfuck34: I am away from my computer right now.
Ugligalwhowantsbf: From the depths of my soul/You came and took my heart/I sit here alone and desiring/For the eclipse of my being
ThinkImaPlayaButImaDouche45: chillaxin
Ntoriginal3563: "I don't believe in republican parties or democratic parties, I just believe in parties."
CoolRthnU52: around, cell
Animeizgr8jl: light + dreams = hope
Kwanzaboy: THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One Act Play: Briget Jones 3: Because the First Two Were SO Great
(setting: Wellington, Asia)
James Belmar: Cheryl, there's something I must tell you. I don't have any genitles.
Mr. Travis: Who are you, and what are you doing in my bed?
Compuram: We're almost to the border! Freedom, Juan, freedom!
@:-) : I'm wearing a turban. PRAISE ALLAH!
Mad TV Sketch: (appeals to a retarded 12 year old)
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One Act Play: Harry Potter and the Strange Tingly Sensation
(setting: inside the dark depths of Northern Delaware)
You: UPDATE YOUR ONE ACT PLAY! I'M BORED! ENTERTAIN ME! (drools and has a lisp)
Me: Alright, but I shall use it to humiliate you to the fullest extent of the law.
You: (pants fall down, revealing My Little Pony boxers)
The World, including many prominant presidents, celebrities, and hot people: (laughs at you)
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: Love to the 15th Power (Revisited)
(setting: A dark grey spring morn in Brockton, Mass. in the parking lot at the section of the Westgate mall that used to be Child World but is now I think like Marshalls or something, which makes no sense because the architecture had the signature Child World castle pillars and now Marshalls has them and it looks retarded)
Jimmy Smitts: FIRBY, NOOOO!
Fin.

(Not so) Daily One Act Play: A Christmas Carol II: Tiny Tim's Sexy Revenge
(setting: Your lower intestine, New Jersey)
One of the Three Wise Men(the hip one): Yo kick it!
Virgin Mary: Look honey, you can feel him kick (to all nations). And I crave watermelon....holy watermelon.
Joseph: Ohh no. What, do you think kopecs grow on trees? Oy vey.
Jesus: I hate it when you guys fight! I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!
Santa (2004): Greetings. I've traveled from the future, am I necessary yet?
The Mayor of Bethlehem: 'Allo. I am ze mayer uv Bethlehem, jah! Eye vould just like to remind yoo all zat election zeazon is vastly approachingk. Eye 'ope yoo make ze right deceezion. Swing Heil!
P-Diddy: Yeah, vote or die for our sins!
The Jerry Maguire Kid: (hits puberty, smells a tad off)
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: Mo' Better Buddha (or What I Learned From Choir Tour)
(setting: Wrigley field, sometime between the last good Jennifer Love Hewitt movie and the first good 'guy-from-that-show-Simon-movie')
Philadelphia: Hey guys, I just realized that there's nothing distinguishing about myself as a city and I'm really thinking of changing my name to Cheesesteaksville.
Pittsburg: Hey, would you mind still tellin' your friends about me? I don't seem to attract to much attention on my own either.
DC: I didn't realize just how many crazy homeless people live in me.
Baltimore: (stabs DC, steals his wallet, and pees on his wounded body)
Bethesda, MD: (indifferent)
Jersey: (much worse than I expected)
Ron Artess: hey, propah.
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: The Seventeenth Movie About Scary Children Singing Nursery Rhymes In Two Months.
(setting: John's house)
Surfer dude: Tubular!
Gallagher: Oh that is so out of date.
Bitch in the audience at ICCA: It's called a pitch pipe! (eats a baby)
Sondheim: (unable to write a melody to save his life)
Keanu Reeves:.....woah.
The entire cast of 7th Heaven: Was Keanu Reeves really necessary to the plot of this play?
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: The Response To Those Who Say "Dude, Your One Act Plays Never Have Any Plot Anymore, They're Just Random Shit."
(setting: Vagania - land of the moose lords)
King: Here ye, here ye. From this day forward, all funk shall hereby be banned from Vagania, by order of the King.
Peasant: PICKLES! Oh where will we common folk get our funk fix?
Fair maiden (played by Rita Rutner): Will no one save us?
Mysterious Stranger (played by Christopher Walken): So, ye wish to recieve thine funk? First, ye must slay the evil dragon-slash-witch in the tower by the Mountains of Setzer. After that, ye must give up thine purity to the great moose king of...
Mel Gibson: Hey everyone, who wants fro-yo?
Fin.


(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: Kumaguchi - Wacky Japan Go-Go Super Fight Fun Time
(setting: an unemployed 30 year old's basement)
The Wolf King: (badly synched) Hel-lo, I am the wolf master.
Anime Girl With Giant Eyes/Rack: Ooh, you challenge me, mastah?
Iron Chef: (overdubbed) WE MUST BATTLE!
Giggly Puff: (nonsensical noises that give children siezures)
The Black Power Ranger: Why do I have to be the black ranger? Does anyone else find this offensive? Not to mention the fact that the Yellow Ranger's ASIAN!
All of them: (committ suicide artistically)
Misguided College Students: (buy the DvD of it all...between masturbations)
Fin.


(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: 10000 - The Year That Required Five Digits
(setting: the darkest depths of my soul)
The Head of Ben Afflek in a Jar: Come on guys, Pearl Harbor, Paycheck, and Gigli are now considered all time classics!
The Head of Oprah Winfrey in a Jar: You go girlfriend!
The Head of Woody Allen in a Jar: Does anyone even know what this liquid we're floating in is? It tastes like that soup Sun-Yi used to cook every Asian new year.
Joan Rivers: Has anyone seen my lower jaw? I think I dropped it during my interview with a wax model of myself from Madam Touseads.
The Head of Dan Quayle: P-O-T-A-T-O......W? DAMMIT! Hold on, hold on, I'll get it...
The Ending of "Mystic River": (still confuses the hell outta me)


(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: The Sexostomy of Emily Rose
(setting: here. NOW. RUN!)
Michael Bay: Guys, of course there's fire in space! Didn't you ever watch Mr. Rogers Neighborhood?
Mr. McFeely: Speedy delivery, muthaf*$#%. (shoots a pimp)
The Children: YAAAAAAY!
Kanye West: President Bush doesn't care about black people!
Mike Myers: (uncomfortably turns his head)
George W. Bush: Heyyy, sure I do, Arsenio!
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: Get Justifyied - The Justification of Justin J. Justinson
(setting: Your sofa, you know, the one with the "yo"gurt stain)
FOX's Bones: Anyone wanna jump my name?
FOX's Reunion: Hey, we're kinda like the OC! People like the OC! You know, the gay/lonely ones!
CBS's Ghost Whisperer: Wow, even I wouldn't watch me...
UPN's Everybody Hates Chris: Ooo, black people talkin' jive on UPN? This I gotta see!...
FOX's Prisonbreak: (gets cancelled before the episode where they break out of the prison)
Fin.

(Not So) Daily One-Act Play: Jesus Vs. Dr. Destructo Ray III: Revenge of the Destructo Ray (Part 4)
(setting: Me)
The black squirrels from around campus: Roll out, yo! Hollah baq!
The skunks from around campus: Hey baby, wanna get sprayed?
The geese from around campus: You know, it seems to me they were much more accepting of us shitting everywhere in Canada...
The lazy-eyed cat from around campus: The New Shanghai guy keeps trying to lure me into his van with promises of tuna and fortune cookies...
The ram from around campus: Does anyone else think I'm a really gay mascot? I make the Norte Dame irish guy look hip.
The fordham prep kids from around campus: SHWEET! (waits to hit puberty)
(they all get turned into "Euro Cuisine" at the UDM)
Fin.

Occasional One-Act Play: Brakebroke Mountain: Deep Space Nyn
(setting: if you care, you need friends)
Buffalo Bill: There's a snake in my boots, by boots I mean...
Woody from Toy Story: Hey, I'm wayyy ahead of my time!
John Wayne: Who wants creme bruleeeeeeee?
The cowboy kid from D2: The Mighty Ducks: Aw, shoot honey, you know I does!
Sheryl Crow: (for the last 8 hours) IIIiiiIIIiiIIiiIIiiiii wanna soak up the sunnnnnn wanna tell everyonnnnnnnnnnnnne toooo liiiightennn upppppp...
Lance Armstrong: Man, I miss cancer.
Fin.


Bi-Monthly (if you're lucky) One Act Play: Brokeback To The Schindler's List Part 1: Too Soon?
(setting: BEHIND YOU!)
Captain Polyester Pantses's: I say, all hands on deck!
Captain Morgan: Y'ar ye be walking the plank, savvy?
Captain Picard: According to nerds, I'm way better than captain kirk!
Captain and Tenille: LOOOOVE WILL KEEP US 2 GETHAHHHH!!!
Captain Crunch: They're grrrrrrrrrrrreat!
Tony the Tiger: (mauls Capt. Crunch for plagarism)
Fin.

Bi-Monthly (if you're lucky) One Act Play: The Adventures of Little Billy and the Inventions No One Needs
(setting: Detroit, city of angels)
Little Billy: Someone's gotta stop Doctor Anarchy before he steals all of the orphans' AIDS medicine!
Underwater Toaster: Yeah, you're right little buddy!
Chocolate Hammer: But where will we find Doctor Anarchy?
Self-Destructing Hearing Aid: Why that's simple, my friend.
Exploding Violin: Yeah, you just follow his tracks!
SUV: Hey, he's right!
Scientology: I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN!!!! BLARGHTH@(*$@@&%()*@!@)(!*!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fin.


Bi-Monthly (if you're lucky) One Act Play: The Blind Man's Ugly Wife II: This Time...It's Personal!
(setting: Inside a prezel Combo)
Princess Hermaphrodite: Who enters my chamber?
Prince Fartswhenheeats: It is I, fair maiden!
Prince Hunglikeanelf: And I, to carry you away!
Price Secretly"hangsout"withpricehunglikeanelf: And I, as well!
King Alsohunglikeanelfbutwearsahugecrowntocompensate: Gentlemen, 'tis good to see you in my kingdom!
The castle they're all in: (eats them cuz its alive)
Fin...?


Bi-Monthly (if you're lucky) One Act Play: I Dream of Weinie
(setting: a Wendy's bathroom stall/time machine)
EveryCollegeKidInAmerica: BLEGGGHH! WE HATE YOU NEW FACEBOOK BLEGGHH!!!
Old Facebook: Woot! Looks like I'm back on top, biznatchies!
EveryCollegeKidInAmerica: No...we don't really like you either.
Old Facebook: (jumps off a bridge)
New Facebook: "Old Facebook" has jumped off a bridge". "EveryCollegeKidInAmerica" created the group "DOWN WITH NEW FACEBOOK". "EveryCollegeKidInAmerica" added "hating the new facebook" to their Activities.
Fin.

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