Wednesday, December 27, 2006

A Few Post-Xmas Thoughts

Well, the Christmas season has come and gone with the subtlety of a rabid yak telling fart jokes, and all the cheer, good tidings, and togetherness...are gone. Thank god. But after all the eggnog had been dumped down the sink, the tree shredded, and the elf-slaves returned to their rightful homes, I could not help but notice some unusual aspects of this Christmas season. Alright, not THAT unusual...but what's really unusual anymore? I mean, Ozzie Osborne's clean and Arnold's the governor of California. Come on.

- Some families take decorating for Christmas very seriously, especially on the exterior of their homes. Unfortunately, the flavor of this year seemed to be the giant tacky inflatable Christmas figures. These ranged from giant snowmen to full working snow globes and merry-go-rounds (not even kidding). I half expected to see a giant inflatable baby Jesus holding a candycane and wearing a Santa hat.

- Those stations that play 24/7 Christmas music during the holiday season truly, truly have a limited playlist. Don't get me wrong, "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" and "Jingle Bell Rock" are great...the first 1245 times. However, the likes of "Dominic the Donkey" and "Granda Got Run Over by a Reindeer" make even the most doe-eyed child wish for July. And let's not even get into the always-incredible country-Christmas songs that pop up every now and then. My personal favorite is "Christmas Shoes", sung by probably Tim McGraw. It just has to be. The song deals with a seemingly poor kid wanting to buy shoes (awww, cute little fellow) for his mother (well that's just precious) who's dying (uh...) so she'll look nice when she meets Jesus tonight (WHAT?!?!). There's a jolly tune for the family to gather round the piano to kroon every year.

- On a side note, I'm getting very tired of the blused-up/funked-up/rocked-up/jazzed-up versions of Christmas carols. Did the world really need Twisted Sister to do a version of "O Holy Night"? Methinks not.

- Christmas cards are awesome for two reasons. 1) They can show what people you haven't seen in years currently look like, which can be either hilarious or strangely arousing 2) Some families still send out those "newsletter" Christmas cards that update the indifferent world on what their ice-cream shitting family has been up to that year. I thought those had been established as extremely pretentious, annoying, obnoxious, and out of style at least ten years ago. Still, I'm glad to know every role your son played in every college show he's been in, Mrs. Peterson. Also, it was a nice touch to add the exact moments where he made the audience laugh in each one. That was vital for my Christmas's success.

- Miniature nativity scenes have amazing potential as action figures, and its amazing they have not been marketed as such. I had an epic wise men vs. shepherds battle on my aunt's coffee table the other night, with baby Jesus doing back flips in the corner to the best of his young ability. Kung fu grip would have been very key on Joseph. You listening, Mattel?

- The annual Walt Disney World Christmas Day parade has become a more blatant advertisement for the theme parks as years have gone on. This year was just rediculous, with Ryan Seacrest, Regis Philbin, and Kelly Rippa repeating the phrase "dreams come true" no less than 103593948539203 times, since this year is Disney's "Year of 1 Million Dreams". A little more Christmas cheer, and a little less brainwashing would have been preferable. I guarentee Nazi recruitment videos were subtler than this.

- Yankee swaps are Satan's contribution to Christmas. I ended up with the same Red Sox Uno card game TWICE, after regifting it for the second one. Maybe I'll donate it to some more unfortunate children...or sell it on ebay for my own profit. Tis the season!

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