Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Platonic Dude Pickup?

Sunday morning, I looked at my phone's recent received calls history. My mind's reaction went like this: "Wait...who the hell's Mike Sulli....ohhh right."

Going out to bars is something I like to think I've done a good amount of by this point in my life. Thus, when something happens while out that I've never had occur, a red flag goes up and I am as the French say, thrown for a loop. One of these things happened this past Saturday night at The Globe on the LES (Lower East Syclops). A longtime friend of mine is moving to LA for some unknown reason I can only imagine involves a love of jetlag, and the attendees of the bar were mostly her friends and coworkers. There, scene set.

I was standing at the bar, ordering a drink, and a dude standing next to me introduces himself as Mike. Oh hey, that's my name too, and I tell him. This guy gets really excited by that development. I'm not sure how he's gotten this far in life without realizing it's one of the most common male names between the years 1820-forever, but here we are.

Next, he asks me where I'm from. I say a little south of Boston, he says that he too is from Massachusetts. Again, lost of excitement from this guy. Too much. Keep in mind we were not excavating in the Andes (can you excavate there?), we were a three-hour Chinatown bus ride away from Mass. So again, not that unusual to run into someone from the area. Maybe I've just set the bar for excitement too high.

Then, he asks me where I live right now. I say Astoria, and he nearly flips a shit and says he lives sort of near there. Again, we were in Manhattan. There was a 1/4 chance that we lived in the same burrow (I refuse to count Staten, Long, or Jersey Island). Then, seamlessly...he asks for my number.

Now let me point out that this guy had his girlfriend there with him. He was clearly straight...or at least she was a very convincing beard, but the point remained...

I got picked up by a straight guy.

Now, I'm all for making new friends, but I mean, why get my number based on what our conversation had been up to that point? Is he gonna call so we can talk about how cool it is to have the same first name? Are we gonna exchange information on whether or not our parents call us "Michael"? Talk about how we sort of live near each other and verbally high five?

Well, it's been three days and he hasn't called. Just like a man. Am I right ladies? It's also annoying when they leave the seat up! Okay, SatC's on! L8taz!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Grape Expectations

Ladies and mengentles, I would like to take a minute to address one of the greatest hoaxes of modern society; something that has occurred right under our very noses with nary a second guess from our perhaps overly-passive society. I'm speaking (obviously) of grape-flavored items that in fact do not taste like grape. Think about it - popsicles, Skittles, jelly beans, freakin' jelly (!!!) - all claiming to be grape-tasting, while you know as damn well as I do that you've never eaten a grape that tastes anything like a grape Skittle. Where are they getting these mystery "flavor grapes"? Is there a magic winery somewhere that harvests solid purple grapes for artificial flavoring and consumption? At this point, that's as good of a guess as any. Better than yours, you didn't even try!

The strange thing is, through this engraining of grape flavor from the liberal media on the public, I do believe that I have developed a fondness for "grape-flavored" items that far surpasses the flavor of actual grapes. And I'm sure you'd agree. Who doesn't open a box of Popsicle brand popsicles and first look for the one which sort of looks purple through the solid white plastic wrap? Or when given the option, select a refreshing grape slush puppy from the vast array of seemingly endless flavor selections at our local Astoria street fair? Yes, it's sad, but we as a society have been programmed so deeply to just roll with this fake grape flavor, that we've stopped asking questions, walking this earth blindly accepting the fact that grape flavored items have nothing to do with the fruit on which they are based. Not since Apple Jacks has such a fruit-related faux pas swept the nation.

Yes, I did write this with the idea of the title first.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

New Tumblr Page! At last!

I keep getting told by jerks that I should start a tumblr page. So I did it. Happy jerks?

It's called HadgeTastic, and on it, I tell America what is HadgeTastic and what is not so HadgeTastic in an effort to spark internet controversy and end up on Rachael Maddow somehow. Please visit often. I know you'll make the right choice.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Hey, we gotta start advertising Angels and Demons!

Tom Hanks/Ron Howard/Dan Brown vehicle Angels and Demons waits in the cinematic wings to knock Wolverine out of the No. 2 spot at the box office this weekend. Obviously, the ad campaigns, TV spots, and Arby's promotional thermoses are going to be thrown at us, the public, like advertisements at...a public. However, I caught a TV spot today that mentioned what the critics are saying about Angels and Demons. The list went like this:

"Better than the DaVinci Code...!"

...followed by an (I hope) unintentional awkward pause, and then the film title. It's almost as if the promotions people were saying "Yeah, we know...we aren't gonna see this either." Hailing that a sequel is better than the original in a trailer only ever works if the original was awesome. This worked for Spiderman, Toy Story, and the first four Land Before Time's. Here, the quote was probably taken from a critic's review that went something like this:

"Angels and Demons was, I don't know, I guess better than the DaVinci Code, but what isn't? That thing was a three-hour pile of Pope feces. Don't ask me how a pile can be three-hours long, that's not the point. I enjoyed my last three kidney stones better than the DaVinci Code. There's no way someone could take any of what I'm saying out of context!"

They really may as well have said...

"Critics are calling it 'Better than Something Really Boring and Unenjoyable"

"Critics are calling it 'Better than just taking thirteen dollars and throwing it in a wood chipper. Slightly."

"Critics are calling it 'Better than that time I accidentally got a boner in math class and had to stand up, but I was wearing sweatpants!'"

Saying a thing is better than a bad thing does not necessarily compliment that first thing. Anyway, if anyone sees it and its awesome, let me know. At the moment, I just know that one guys liked it better than something that was terrible.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Zombie Defense for Kids

This video was passed onto my from a buddy. It takes place on what I guess is a Japanese game show, where I guess the goal is messing up Japanese children forever. Some kids are interviewed in a house, only to go outside to encounter an elaborately choreographed zombie attack. They go back into the house, where the zombie follows them (only after sending a note that he's coming seconds before he arrives)...I just...why am I describing this?

If this is normal treatment of Japanese children, Pearl Harbor and anime suddenly make a ton more sense.

Two Injured During Nicolas Cage Stunt Filming = SO Not Worth It

Take a look above for a moment, if you will. For those of you who don't have that kind of time (if you're do.), it appears as though two pedestrians were hurt during a stunt sequence being filmed in Times Square for the new Nicolas Cage film, The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Now, it appears as though their injuries were not that serious, but either way gang, that just ain't worth it. I mean, if your way outta this world was due to the successful filming of a sequence for a Nicolas Cage movie, you should demand a refund from God. If you were a necessary sacrifice for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, then you have a right to be pissed your whole afterlife. I'm giving you permission.

These poor people though, probably passed out in a hospital bed in Queens. They slowly start to regain consciousness, and everything's a bit foggy. Suddenly, they look up and in a foggy haze, they make out the empathetic face of Nicolas Cage.

Injured Guy (I.G.): Wha...where am, you're Nicolas Cage!

Nicolas Cage (N.C.): That's right, little partner! You feelin' alright?

I.G.: Yeah, my legs are pretty broke and I can't remember who my family is, but I feel great now that you're here!

N.C.: That's great to hear, son.

I.G.: What happened, Mr. Cage?

N.C.: Well son, you were collateral damage of an awesome stunt sequence for my next box office smash.

I.G.: Oh...really?

N.C.: ...Yes.

I.G.: So, my injuries could easily have been avoided?

N.C.: Probably. But then we'd have to do a second thank you for that.

I.G.: Well, I don't have health insurance...are you guys gonna pay for this?

N.C.: No, but we'll put a Dedicated the end of the credits.

I.G.: But I'm not dead!

N.C.: I didn't say it'd be for you. But hey, here's a free autographed copy of Ghost Rider on dvd. I know you can't get up, so I'll just go ahead and put it on your TV and press play. I've also got it set so that when it ends, it'll just start back over again!

I.G.: No, that's alright...

N.C.: And don't forget to catch The Sorcerer's Apprentice - in theaters this Christmas!

(he exits, Injured Guy pulls his own plug)

Did I mention The Sorcerer's Apprentice is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Age Old Question

Last night, I had a dream that I bought an egg. But this wasn't any normal egg, no sir. This was a magical egg that transforms into a chicken at random times. Then, after it's a chicken, it again magically transformed into an egg. I would see this egg go from chicken to egg many times. Chicken, egg, chicken, egg, chicken...egg...chicken...egg. I then realized after waking up that this evokes the age old question: "Why can't I just dream about naked girls?"