Tuesday, September 30, 2008

We've Found a Solution!

Fear not, America. We’ve discovered a solution! Truly our nation, nay, our planet has been in crisis recently and it seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. Also, the tunnel is really long and smelly. The newspaper brings more bad news every morning and personally, we at the Institute of Applied Science are darn tired of it. Thus, we are proud to announce that the Institute of Applied Science has developed a time machine to go back and prevent the New Facebook from being created.
Let’s face it, most of today’s problems – the economy, terrorists, The View – are caused by one root problem – the New Facebook. Our explained reasoning is not necessary. Nevertheless, the new, far more confusing and harder to manage Facebook, has finally given us a legit reason to build a time machine, receiving full financial backing from our government and parents. Surely, this technology has existed for several years, we were simply not motivated enough to act upon it. However, with New Facebook, our bellies have filled to the brim with fire.
Now we cannot ignore the butterfly effect, especially after seeing that film -The Butterfly Effect 2. If we destroy the New Facebook before it begins its terrible reign, will this not simply cause a newer, possibly more terrible Facebook to be created? Personally, this is a risk we at the Institute of Applied Science are collectively willing to take.
With its irrationally complicated interface, cluttered format, and super-duper confusing applications system, New Facebook is to Old Facebook as something not-at-all-cool is to something cool. Plus, people’s exasperated status messages expressing disdain for the New Facebook are growing tiresome and no longer witty. We at the Institute of Applied Sciences would much prefer our Facebook friends go back to status messages referring to whatever music is currently changing their life, an inside joke between them and one of their closer friends, or the bafflingly unoriginal “is.” Plus, we would like to go back to stalking girls we find pretty without everybody knowing about it. For these reasons it is our duty to travel back to Spring 2008, find Mark Zuckerburg, punch him in the nads and tell him “No!” Then perhaps take out our stock in Lehman Brothers, and travel back in time for the new Gossip Girl. This is the least we can do to save our future, which according to Robert Zemekis, includes hoverboards. And hoverboards are cool.

The Institute of Applied Science was founded last week by a guy who said he graduated from Harvard. Since he was wearing glasses, the proper authorities thought not to question him. You shouldn’t either. They had their first annual Family Fun and Sun employee picnic last week. Mrs. Rosenburg’s apple strudel was a moderate hit.

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