Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Guy Named Dow Jones Tired of Lousy Publicity

The effects of the American economy’s recent collapse have had far reaching consequences. From Wall Street to Main Street, everyone has felt the heat of this financial disaster. However, the problem is felt greatest in the small town of Danbury, Connecticut, where local man Dowland “Dow” Jones has lived his entire life. Since the recent financial collapse, Jones has been “sick and tired of all the papers saying bad stuff about [him]”.
A lifetime pottery salesman, Jones cannot even eat his morning Apple Zings cereal without being insulted by the daily post. “It’s just a lousy way to start your day,” states Jones, who has low self-esteem to begin with. “No one ever talks about all the good stuff about the Dow Jones, but the bad stuff gets magnified like a bajillion times. It’s less than pleasant for me.” Ever since he was a young man, Dowland has lived a peaceful life, receiving a public school education and three years of pottery salesman training at the University of Connecticut Schools. He remains unmarried and lives with his dog, Ruffems, who normally would console his master in times of trial, but sadly not so now.
“It’s everywhere – the news, PBS, even the local morning comic strip makes some unflattering reference to me on a daily basis,” laments Jones. “My father always said I’d bring the nation to its worst recession since the Great Depression, but I thought he was being symbolic.”
Local thugs and previously friendly neighbors have been sending Jones more hate mail and death threats than usual. Even Jones’s eHarmony.com profile and craigslist “casual encounter” listings has been receiving several fewer responses as of late. However, is Dowland Jones really to blame here? “Probably not,” states local thug Jimmy “Cheez-Its” Romirez, “but it’s just easier this way.”
Though it is easy to blame the recession for Jones’s recent woes, it should be noted that he was not all that well liked prior.

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