There’s a quarter mile backup on the corner of 42nd and Lexington, due to what experts are referring to as a “text message collision.” Approximately twenty-four individuals suffered direct impact while on foot, due to their preoccupation with a text message. Ambulances arrived at the scene only moments later, but alas, the carnage had already taken place. Eye witness Dom Wertle shares his account: “Well, it just looked like a bunch of people texting on their phones, and just timing their strides terribly. Maybe it would’ve helped if at least one of them had been looking up, but no – they may have misspelled something.” Only a few phones have been recovered out of the pile of mangled human appendages, but what exists is truly telling.
Darren Wallman, 32, was allegedly on his way home from his job at Ernst and Young, and decided to text his buddy “Rich” that he was “totally down for tonight”. Of course, Wallman appears to have spoke too soon.
Betsy Fandler, on her way to a night shift at a local Starbucks, was texting her boyfriend that “(She) wuvs him” and then typed an emoticon smiley face, which this reporter shall not attempt to replicate.
Cindy Relf, was merely responding “K” to a message, a venture that in hindsight hardly seems worth it.
Bill Wanderforks, 28, was merely pretending to text somebody so he’d look cool in public. “Seriously?! What a fag!” suggests Wanderfork’s old school bully Tom Powell, “Thanks for pointing this all out to me.”
A textless member of the collision, Paul Loevre, was merely a victim of circumstance, though claims he’s never been known for his sidewalk maneuvering abilities.
Could this have been avoided? “No”, answers police captain John Fredderson flatly “Those t-x-t’s needed delivery.”