Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Pros and Cons of Homeless Life

In the aftermath of life at a University, I have been “weighing my options”, as any guidance counselor will tell you, is recommended at this point in life. Some people go off to Europe to find themselves. Others, Detroit. Then there are those who see graduate school as their most likely destiny, and still then there are those who go straight to their high paying job directly out of school. However, none of these options appear to be “up my ally”, as any guidance counselor will tell you, is frightening and I really shouldn’t be trusted to make decisions on my own. Nevertheless, I remain determined to find the silver lining on the grey cloud that is my latest endeavor: homeless life. With employment, school, and European getaways out of the question, it would appear that I am shaping up to be a young, budding homeless guy. After all, one would assume post-college life is where all homeless guys begin their career as homeless guys. It’s just the most logical path, and frankly, I’m shocked the career planning center at most universities do not offer at least a pamphlet on the subject. I realize that homeless life isn’t necessarily as easy or as fun as it sounds, so I’ve decided to make the list that lies just below this spot on the page to assist me in my future planning. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

The Pros and Cons of Homeless Life.

Pro: No bills to pay. Con: You’re homeless. Pro: Never have to clean up after yourself. Con: You’re homeless. Pro: Don’t have to take any guff from the boss about those reports! Con: You have no house. Pro: Your neighborhood can be wherever your heart desires. Con: You are sans a residence. Pro: Never have to mow the lawn. Con: No lawn. Pro: You can say whatever crazy stuff you want, and people will chock it up to “oh, it’s okay, he’s a crazy homeless guy.” Con: You’re a crazy homeless guy. Pro: You smell like urine and its okay! Con: You smell like urine, and its okay. Pro: Never have to drive/pick up the kids to/from school. Con: You smell like urine. Pro: Don’t have to worry about losing the vcr remote. Con: Mmm, a vcr remote would taste mighty fine. Pro: Don’t have to deal with internet pop-ups. Cons: You spent Saturday night shirtless in a subway terminal, rubbing your own nipples and singing “Feliz Navidad.” Pro: Your days of listening to the wife nag about your inattentiveness are over. Con: “Feliz Navidad”!? Pro: No boring commercials! Con: You had a plate of “imaginary shoe pie” for breakfast. Another Con: You went back for seconds. Another Con: You enjoyed it the second time even more than the first and would consider making it your signature dish. Pro: No furniture…hmm, I guess that’s really more of a Con. Con: No furniture.

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