(AP – Thursday) The world of spelling bees was thrown on its axis today as the winner of this year’s World Spelling Classic was revealed to have used HGH during the proceedings. Missy Carmychel, 12, was exposed when her test results came back positive earlier this week.
A representative of Carmychel’s released a statement this afternoon, insisting that she only received the hormones via a prescription from her pediatrician, evidently to aid her “mild cold”. Carmychel’s representative claims that she had no knowledge of what she was taking, and insists that any injection of HGH into any of her veins was “by accident” and “purely coincidental.”
“It’s a real travesty – T-R-A-V-E-S-T-Y!” exclaimed former World Spelling Champion Hsu Hyung, 11. “If I were to use it in a sentence, I’d say ‘Missy Carmychel’s use of steroids is a travesty!’”
Avid followers of the World Spelling Classic claim that they became suspicious after Carmycle seemed to “jack up” significantly at age nine and began growing facial hair a lot earlier than most young girls. “I mean it was pretty obvious”, states World Spelling Classic concessions supervisor Don Cheedle, “She was the only 280lb ten year- old girl I’d ever seen. She would chew glass before a competition, for crying out loud.”
“What kind of example does this set for the younger spellers of America?” bemuses local lumberjack Biff Sweedly, “Carmycle is supposed to be a role model, and she’s basically saying ‘oh hey kids, take steroids! They’re delicious! Just like Skittles!’ Disgraceful.”
“Didn’t she see that movie Akeela and the Bee?!” asks devastated spelling bee aficionado Hernard Roffman, “Didn’t she listen to its message of hope, heart, and spirit?!” He then continued by adding, “I mean, I guess that movie was alright. It wasn’t that great, I guess. I mean it all depends on what you’re comparing it to. If you’re like ‘okay, Akeela vs. The Godfather’, then I guess it’s obvious who wins. But if you compare Akeela to a really good movie, like Transformers, it doesn’t stack up as well. I guess it all depends on who you saw it with too, you know? Like I saw Akeela on a night when I really needed a spiritual lift; I had just broken a button on my very favorite corduroys and you could say I was a bit down in the dumps, but I…” At this point, we asked Roffman to stop talking.
This has sparked a full scale investigation on the seedy underbelly of the competitive Spelling world. Experts believe it to be no coincidence that out of the last seven World Spelling Classic champions, six could bench three times their body weight. Former spelling contender Carlos Wentoro’s recently released tell-all book Joosed provides some insight on the steroid-scene during the mid-nineties, which have now been dubbed the “HGH-Era of Spelling”.
“Yeah, HGH – Carmychel can spell that,” claimed Wentoro on a local morning radio program, “with flying colors.”
Though it remains undetermined if the brawny Carmychel’s use of HGH actually improved her spelling abilities, she has been disqualified from further competitions, and is forbidden to ever spell anything again. In addition, there has been serious consideration by Thomas Jennings, the commissioner of Spelling, to add an asterisk next to Carmychel’s name, as well as several other letters, just to make it harder to spell. However, Carmychel does get to keep her gift certificate to Target – the grand prize of this year’s WSC.
When approached for comment, Carmychel socked us in the jaw really, really hard before tearing a phonebook in half and storming off.