Updated Resumes, Employment, and Other "Real Life" Things

The search for a job can be long and hard, often driving the unemployed to depression, madness, or religion. However, we must remain steadfast in our search and often adjust to the ever-changing needs for different services in the early twenty-first century. We must remember; there are jobs out there, we simply must be willing to seek them out and make our own alterations to meet their requirements. The most important aspect of all of this, of course, is adjusting one’s resume to the job applied for. I recently have discovered this, and present to you some examples of the resume’s I’ve sent out, beginning with my original resume that has, thus far, gotten me nowhere. Sure, my initial goal was to work in the entertainment industry, but as of now, I’ve received no bites from the shallow sea of show business. However, I have learned my lesson, and broadened my fields, as demonstrated by my newer, more refined and yes, more potentially successful resumes. Take a look…

1.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To obtain employment in the entertainment industry.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

Sesame Street New York, NY
Post-Production Intern 1/2007-5/2007

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart New York, NY
Production Intern 1/2006-5/2006
Assisted on field shoots and in writers’ meetings
Booked and dealt with audience members
Performed any task to help the show run smoothly
filing, faxing, various organizational work

Fordham Comedy Magazine The Paper Bronx, NY
Writer 9/2004 -

Fordham Sketch Comedy Troupe “Free Pizza” Bronx, NY
Founder/Director/Writer 9/2006 -
Put on several original sketch shows to college crowds
Selected for Upright Citizen’s Brigade’s SPANK sketch showcase, performed at their Manhattan theater

Fordham Experimental Theater Bronx, NY
Writer/Performer/Director/Producer 9/2003-
Co-director of Fordham Improv Comedy Troupe
Wrote and directed comedy Nazareth High for successful four night run
Wrote and directed Fordham: The Musical for successful four night run.

Paris Cabaret Starline Room Stoughton, MA
Writer/Waiter/Performer 6/2004-8/2005
Responsible for energizing and interacting with audience
Required to multitask quite

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Received awards for two self directed films in 2003 Easton Film Festival
Run own blog – sunnysideofgoodtaste.blogspot.com
Proficient at Microsoft Word, Excel, Power Point
Selected for “Lord of the Manor” speaker position at pre-graduation ceremonies in May 2007.

2.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To become a gourmet chef at Rodrigo’s Authentic Italian Eatery.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

Grilled Cheese Sandwiches Easton, MA
Have made it really good 4/1996- 7/2007
Sometimes with tomato

Watched Emiril New York, NY
Occasional Viewer 1/2006-5/2006
Saw an episode where he made a casserole
Know that “Kick It Up a Notch!” and “BAM!” are his catchphrases
Saw another episode where he made some sort of sauce
TiVo’d last night’s episode and will watch it

Toast Bronx, NY
I’ve made toast before 9/2004 -
It was good, not too burnt
Utilized butter and/or peanut butter on finished product

Microwave Celeste Pizza Easton, MA
Cooker of It 9/1998 –
Followed directions on back of box to perfection
Attempted to cook it in toaster oven
Attempt unsuccessful

Microwavable Bagel Bites Bronx, NY
Preparer/Director/De-froster 9/2003-
Prepared pizza in the morning
Pizza in the evening
Pizza at suppertime
When pizza’s on a bagel, I could eat pizza anytime

Saw Like Water For Chocolate Stoughton, MA
Well, half of it 6/2005-6/2005
It had subtitles
So, required to multitask
Food in the title

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Keep Food Network on in background while I do other things
Eating three meals a day, plus various snacks
Hate Rachel Ray, but tolerate her
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point

3.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To become Senior Visual Designer for Sullivan Architecture Inc.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

Sandcastles Cape Cod, MA
Builder/Creative Consultant 4/1985- 6/2007
Responsible for the successful raising of no less than twenty-four exemplary sandcastles
Twelve of said sandcastles did not collapse at the pressure of high tide
Each housed at least three twig-people

Personal Tree Fort Easton, MA
Planner/Designer/Supervisor 2/1988 – 4/1988
Created projective blue prints for Deluxe Super Secret Tree Fort on construction paper in purple crayon
Died at preproduction due to lack of sufficient funds and man power

Popsicle Stick House Easton, MA
Exterior/Interior Designer 5/1990 – 6/1990
Successfully conceived popsicle stick dream house
Began construction utilizing popsicle sticks, Scotch tape, and Elmer’s Glue
Abandoned project midway due to lack of attention span

This Old House Easton, MA
Heard of it 6/1984 -
And I know its about designing and building homes
Right?

“Our House” by CSNY New York, NY
Know the words 11/2003 –
I know most of the words
It’s on my iPod
Also possess knowledge of what CSNY stands for

“Our House” by Madness Bronx, NY
Know how it goes 9/2003-
I’m humming the tune right now
It’s also on my iPod

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Can draw Spongebob Squarepants with decent accuracy
Can trace the white house from an old Social Studies text book
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point
Have lived in numerous architectural structures

4.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To become a litigation consulting accountant manager for J&C Paralegal.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

N/A Easton, MA
6/1984 –

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point

Resignation

It brings me great sorrow and heartbreak to resign this day from the facebook group, “Teach For America”. Truly, my heart had never been in it from day one, as I joined the group blindly because a girl I kind of liked invited me. I am truly sorry for my inexcusable deception. However, the truth is, I would make a terrible teacher, and I don’t even particularly support teachers or education, so my mere presence in this group was completely, utterly in vain. Apologies to anyone who has been affected by this faux pas.
Also, I regret to say that I have also removed myself from the “Human Being Group” on facebook, as I feel it’s simply too accepting. If I am going to be part of a group or club, I prefer it to exclude at least some type of denomination as to boost my fragile ego. The “Human Being Group” also lacked any real organization, and failed on its initial promises of prosperity for the human race. Instead, the group merely provided inane wall postings and a few google image photos of Chuck Norris.
While we’re on the topic, I would like to take this time to announce my departure from “The Christian Bale Appreciation Club”. Sure, I think Christian Bale’s alright, really gave the Batman franchise a refreshing kick in the pants, but I don’t appreciate him so much as to belong to a group dedicated to his body of work. My heart simply was not in it during my tenure, and for the past three years I honestly forgot that I had ever been a member.
I’m also quite disturbed and saddened to announce that I will no longer consider myself a member of “That’s SO Andrew Kingsley!” I don’t know Andrew Kingsley, I’m not facebook friends with Andrew Kingsley, and I’ve barely ever heard of Andrew Kingsley. However, judging from the pictures of drunken escapades on the group page, including several of the young man mugging for the camera with a solo cup in one hand and at least one popped collar, I can safely assume that Andrew Kingsley does not merit his own group, let alone my membership in said own group. While he looks like he’s a hit at frat parties, Andrew Kingsley sadly falters in the facebook group department. My membership from day one was a complete and utter charade, and I do apologize to the deceived.
It also pains me greatly to inform you that I will be cutting ties with the group, “Facebook Members For the Kyoto Protocol in the United States”. Amongst my reasons for leaving are I do not often visit the group page, and I don’t know WTF this is! My gut instinct is that I was invited by one of my outspoken, hippie facebook friends and its to support some lame thing like genocide in another country that a damn facebook group full of privileged white college kids won’t be able to do a damn thing about anyway. Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Am I going to hell (again)?
Also, since I have your attention, and I assume that I do, I would like to tender my resignation from the group “If This Group Reaches 250,000, My Girlfriend Will Have A Threesome With Me!” Look, I’m all for helping my fellow man get laid, but this is taking it all a bit too far, in my humble opinion. While I see that the group is currently at 549 members, there appears to be little chance of this anonymous individual receiving his hypothetical orgy as it is. However, I’m afraid that total shall now be 548, as I feel I can no longer support this dying cause. Besides, the group administrator should learn that there are other ways to get close to your romantic partner other than hoping she’ll lose a bet over a facebook group. Or at least make the number more realistic next time.
While we’re at it, I’m also reporting my resignation from the group “We Remember 90s Nickelodeon!” The wave of quirky retro nostalgia, I fear, has passed, and truly, no one came out the better for it. Also, I regret to announce my departure from the facebook group, “Kerry/Edwards in ‘04”. It’s just good housekeeping.
Finally, I’m leaving the group “Fordham Praise and Worship”. For perhaps it is fitting that I deleted each bi-daily group message which announced the next prayer session or special mass before ever reading them. My heart was truly never in this group, as, I admit freely, I thought they were kidding. For this, I am truly sorry. If Jesus was on facebook, surely he would de-friend me.
Life has truly taken me in different directions in the most recent months, and I must adjust accordingly. Apologies to all involved, and I do hope we meet again in less pointless circumstances. I would, while I have your attention, like to announce my newest facebook group, “Enough With All These Facebook Groups!!!”, has just opened up. Once you join, there’s no way out.

Wheels Of Fire

It was chilly for an evening in early July, but somehow that didn’t make a difference. Everyone was still out under the tent, drinking beer and eating steak tips smothered in the most succulent sauces anyone could have realistically expected. Since I had changed into jeans hours before, I was moderately comfortable, and the candles intended to keep away mosquitoes helped warm my outsides. It was a mixed crowd for the graduation party, or I should say, joint graduation party, as Jack and three of his cousins had all just graduated from one form of education or another. Naturally, Jack was off perusing the atmosphere, appeasing distant relatives and college friends. I fell into neither category, as Jack and I had grown up together. Through the years we always found something in common, though it was usually music. The only bands either of us had ever played in included the other – Jack on keyboards and myself on guitar. It was always difficult to find a bassist and drummer, but the ones we had found were there that night as well. The Thrasher brothers, Gil and Derek, were high school acquaintances of ours who had turned into the townies everyone predicted they would be. The former worked for various auto repair shops in the area, while the latter made a habit of getting fired from local restaurant chains. We had all begun catching up, as it had been no less than four years since we’d last spoken.
“Yeah, life’s pretty good” stated Derek, “But I mean, I guess I have the new bike to thank for that.”
“Oh?” I replied.
“Oh yeah, we both just got new motorcycles” chimed in Gil “I’m telling you, they’re great, you feel like you’re flying even if you’re just going thirty!”
“My commute to work used to be hell, but with this bike, I can zip through traffic and make it home in like ten minutes. It’s great!” added Derek.
“I’ll just ride it up and down the block for fun, it just has made my life more enjoyable in so many ways. Sounds crazy I know, but man, its fun” said Gil.
I had not been known for my competitive nature, nor my constant need to outdo people, but that’s simply because I hid them well.
“Yeah, mine’s good too,” I said, smirking on the inside because I had in fact driven my mother’s minivan to the party that night, and never owned a motorcycle. Hell, I’d never owned a Huffy bike with more than ten speeds. However, I felt that luck was on my side that night.
“Oh, you have a bike?” asked Derek curiously. “What kind is it?”
“Harley Davidson” I replied after not a second, really just glad that I’ve heard of a motorcycle brand. Damn, I was on.
“Really? They’re pretty outrageous, I mean for both cost and just structure” claimed Gil.
“Yeah, well, I won it on The Price Is Right. Fell in love with it after, you know.” I responded, feeling I had dodged a potential bullet right there. However, I wanted to up the stakes for myself, I was feeling saucy. “I mean, it goes pretty fast – like 0 to 90 in like five seconds.” Hmmm, I might have overshot it. Nah.
The brothers laughed together, and I joined in as to not cause suspicion.
“You’re kidding right?” Derek asked, giving me a clear opening to get out of this outrageous lie.
“No” I said.
“Wow, that’s really amazing. I didn’t think anything outside of an airliner could get that kind of speed” claimed Gil.
“Well, this can. I mean I’m no expert, but I think the jetpacks on the side of it help” I said for some reason.
“Jetpacks on the side?” asked Gil.
“Yeah, I mean again, I’m no expert, but I would think that jetpacks would account for any added speed it gets. It can’t fly or anything though, they’re just for speed”. Smooth, I was kicking ass tonight.
After about an hour, the party had begun to break up, and most of the diverse crowd had gone their equally diverse ways. Derek, Gil, and I decided that our time had come to part as well.
“Well let’s go look at our bikes first, I’d really like to see yours.” said Derek.
“Um, alright, yeah, sure, I’d like to see what kind of ‘bike’ you guys have too.” I actually made quotation marks with my fingers.
We strolled across the street, the brothers and I, to the parking lot of an abandoned fire station. Jack lived on a busy street and had a very small driveway, so it was only natural that many utilized the fire station’s parking lot that night. It had grown darker and the fruit flies had gotten hungrier by this time, and I could see the motorcycles parked in their spaces…right next to my mother’s minivan. This was it, I thought, my lie could not be carried on any longer. Nevertheless, I remained cool and calm. Gil showed me his bike first; revving it up to demonstrate what I assumed was the engine’s power? I just nodded and said “oh yeah, you gotta have that” to every feature pointed out by the brothers about their motorcycles, though they might as well have been speaking Chinese. Finally, they asked where my bike was parked. The jig was pretty much up, I’d had my fun but now it was time to admit it – I’d never owned a motorcycle.
“Oh, it’s right here” I claimed, referring to the minivan next to me. Needless to say, I had them both dumbfounded.
“I thought you said you rode a bike here,” said Gil.
“Yeah, I did,” said I, referring again to my mother’s minivan. Derek and Gil just gave me a look that seemed to be a combination of anger, amusement, and pity. It was as though they were extremely jealous of my awesome ride.
“Whatever”, said Derek, as the boys got on their respective bikes and revved their respective engines. I in turn switched on my mother’s minivan, which chirped with awesomely gentle power. As we all prepared to leave, the brothers now ignoring me out of their jealousy, I rolled down the window (half way…it was child proof), gave them an intense stare, and presented a simple challenge…
“Drag race. Right now. Your bikes against mine. Let’s see what you boys got.” I wasn’t letting this one go. I saw the two brothers give each other defeated glances before Derek sighed and said, “Fine, whatever. Whoever makes it to the corner of Main and Depot Street wins.” They were totally afraid.
“You are so on!” I pumped my fist and rolled the window back up. I turned up my soft rock radio extra loud to get riled up for the big race. I could hear the brothers revving their engines, and I countered with turning up Fleetwood Mac even more. The race was on, the moment was approaching. They lined their bikes up to the edge of the parking lot, and we got Phil, another mutual friend, to signal when the race started. He had a whistle that he carried around for just such an occasion, and prepared to blow it once we were ready to go. I pulled my mother’s minivan up to the starting line, staring the opposition down through my tinted windows, though they probably couldn’t tell. Phil signaled for the race to begin.
Three…
Two…
One…
And they were off, the brothers sped off on their motorbikes like bats out of hell, zooming up past the Dunkin Donuts in the distance before even a few seconds had passed. Using the last trick in my bag, I pulled out of the parking lot and leisurely drove home. “Hehe, fools.” I chuckled to myself. “This wasn’t really a motorcycle…”

Hadge's Latest Fortune Cookie Fortunes

I invest way too much in what fortune cookies have to tell me. I’m serious, days have been built around the fortunes I’ve received in those little devils. Knowing that my very fate is determined based on what cookie I choose can be a little nerve wracking, and as led to many a psychiatrist bill. Either way, given the fact that I am a young adult, lost in the world, confused, still deciding whether or not to have a career, a fortune cookie can hold a good chunk of the answers. And it’s worked before, that’s the thing. I just hate when they put in those damn fortunes that are just statements. Like “you are an astute observer of qualities”. Oh really? Thanks. “You have been a good acquaintance” – no shit? Wow. Guess I can quit my job now. Please, dear cookie, don’t waste both of our time. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, but I will eat you very soon. I just want some life advice, and I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. Really, it’s your entire purpose. That’s like me walking into a doctor’s office and him going “you have diabetes – now get out!” I know the problem, fix it!

That being said, here are some fortunes that I would welcome finding after I've split the stale sugary goodness open. Its simple really, for those Chinese restaurant owners who frequent this blog (don't pretend you don't exist!) - just print out this page, and cut out each of these fortunes into neat little rectangles, slap a bullshit Chinese translation on the back, stuff it in a cookie and voila! You can pay me later, I do have a PayPal account. Anyway, enjoy:

You are astute and smell nice.

‘Tis wise to present oneself with pants on. Usually.

Just give up, seriously.

_____ in bed.

Your name is Ray Washington and you have two kids and a blue car. No? Damn, but still, how cool would that have been?

Responsibility leads to admiration. Admiration leads to confidence. Confidence leads to pride. Pride leads to damnation. Good luck.

You achieve great peace of mind when you talk with an old friend. Then you realize he stole your wallet. Have an affair with his wife.

You are never selfish with advice or your help, but “everything will turn out okay” is getting really goddamn old, buddy.

The first step to success is spirit. And money. Can’t forget money.

You have AIDS. Sorry you had to find out this way. Enjoy the cookie!

You don’t care what they say; Raising Helen is an enjoyable guilty pleasure.

A fortune cookie fortune will make you suddenly depressed for some reason because of its vagueness.

You under-tipped the delivery guy, don’t think I didn’t notice.

A pleasant surprise awaits you. The baby wasn’t yours!

Your car sucks, buy a better one.

Congratulations! You’ve just selected the one-millionth fortune cookie, and will thus be rewarded one million dollars! (Jk!)

Two words - Pyramid schemes.

You will be contacted by a long lost lover. She wants her stuff back.

Don’t tempt fate, she is a fickle wench. She’s probably just leave you for your better looking half-brother anyway.

Never mix beer with milk, seriously. I’m still feeling that one.

On that show Lost, they're all clones. You read it here first.

This cookie will go straight to your thighs.

Brenda, if you end up getting this, I thought we really connected last night. Shoot me an email: trannylover169@hotmail.com

A generous gift awaits you from a loved one. It’ll be another goddamn ugly-ass sweater from Grammy, which she made so you can’t return it anywhere.

Self-respect is step one in a nine step-program of success and a twenty-one step program of failure.

Take up smoking, you’ll look cooler.

A tingly feeling awaits you while viewing ESPN2’s log rolling competition.

People find much to like about you. (throws up)

Viewers Like You

While at work today at Sesame Street Workshop, it occurs to me that public television is in terrible, terrible shape. While I enjoy it here quite a bit, there are simply some facets that cannot compare to my previous internship, The Daily Show, which is a cable show. Like any other walk in life, I base internships on one major factor - the free stuff. Seeing as internships are typically unpaid, the free stuff factor can be very huge. That being said, let's do a quick comparison between the contents of the Daily Show's free stuff bin and Sesame Street's free stuff bin...

The Daily Show (MTV Networks): Deluxe emmy dvd box sets, Colbert Report poster not available in stores, Fuck This Book, She Comes First (book), He Comes Next (book), HBO 34-dvd cube, humerous Dick Chaney t-shirt, Bush "countdown of time left in office" keychain, The Simpsons: Season 7 dvd set, lots of various candy

Sesame Street (PBS): Half of a bag of prezels someone didn't want to finish.

See what I mean? Please, do your part to save public television...so I can get better free stuff. Thank you.

The Night the Internet Went Out

The time? 8:01 PM – Friday, February 17, 2007. The internet’s just been turned off throughout Fordham. I hit “refresh” again and again, only to receive the same “404 File Not Found” message that stares back at me, mocking me. An attempt to sign on to AOL Instant Messenger proves just as pointless, never quite getting past the “Step 1. Connecting” stage, and subsequently informing me that my “Connection has been lost” – cruel bastards, cruel heartless bastards. I can’t quite think straight, everything’s a little darker. Want to google so many things but alas, know this is no longer possible. Try to keep control of myself, but I only drool more. Parts of my body have begun to twitch and I have no idea of how exactly to stop them. Suicide is outrageous I know, but it begins to creep into the picture as a possibility. I’ve stopped blinking, for I have no longer a reason to keep my eyes moistened. Eating? Forget it, my appetite is as blank as my homepage as it “Detects proxy settings” to no avail. Any control I may have at one point had over any and all bodily functions has been lost in a deep sea of despair and confusion on my carpet. I’ve eaten two of my toes, though I’m aware of my pastrami sandwich in the fridge that I didn’t finish at lunch. The madness takes over. I can feel it like a virus, consuming my very being, spreading its way up into my nostrils and through my soul, slithering and writhing like the ungodly beings of hell…the madness…the madness…

The time? 8:03 PM – Friday, February 17, 2007. It’s working again. False alarm.

The War on Student Activities (Part 1)

For years, Fordham students have formed clubs and exclusive groups, no matter how odd the focus may be (basket weaving?). Nevertheless, clubs are necessary to keep Fordham students active, interested, and sober/drunk. Think about it, what would Fordham students do without clubs except get drunk, study, drink, get shitfaced, play beer pong, bar hop, consume alcohol, wet their whistles, drown their troubles, drink, drink vodka, make drinks, mix drinks, think about drinking, drunkenly drink, booze up, knock ‘em back, down some brews, and drink? Seriously, your mind is now boggled by the very thought. Here’s where the plethora of Fordham clubs come into the picture, and the extreme and diverse spectrum of clubs allows for anyone to find that Facebook-group-to-be that best suit’s their interests. For instace, where would Fordham students be without the option of joining a coed a cappella group (b-Sides) or an all female one (Satin Dolls, Ramblers)? There are kids in Ethiopia who would love to be so fortunate to have these kind of options, but we sadly take them for so much freekin’ granted.
Unfortunately, the overseer of all things Fordham clubs seems to be doing its best to restrict them as much as possible. Ladies and gentlemen, I speak of Student Activities, or OSL, which I am not sure stands for anything. Ruling with an iron fist, the fine folks at Student Activities have been working hard to make life as difficult as possible for any and every Fordham club, recently adding deadlines and previously nonexistent two-week windows for booking venues. That’s right, every club must book everything two weeks in advance. Now I’m not sure if they go to the same Fordham that I do, but most of the student body (and faculty) don’t usually know where they’re going to be for lunch at breakfast. Hell, most syllabuses I’ve received in the last few semesters have read “Class 1: Introduction, Class 2-15: Wing It”. It’s simply inconsistent with what the rest of Fordham actually practices.
In short, Student Activities has waged a war on its students. They’re depriving Fordham’s students from the very activities they’re supposed to provide. Now, they’re clearly taking the same “stricter order for the greater good” approach once employed by Hitler, Stalin, and Darth Vader. Unfortunately, for all intents and purposes, the intents and purposes of OSL in their current power trip remains a mystery. Sure, organization is great – but there are ways to achieve it without going all dominatrix on our asses. Yes, there are issues of budget, but even when money is in no way involved, student activities has thrown as many roadblocks as possible down to prevent students from reaching their club’s goals. Maybe it’s not all the clubs, come to think of it. Perhaps they just hate everything I’m in, I don’t know. If so, this article sure as hell ain’t helping.
Anyway, let’s cut right to the chase (he says four paragraphs in): last week I made a gallant attempt to book the Collins Backdoor Theater for a Free Pizza sketch comedy show (shameless plug…seriously though, come see it….shameless plug though, seriously though…). Without even saying a word, an OSL representative handed me a packet of loosely stapled-together papers, the title page of which read “So You Want to Book an Extracurricular Event”. I flipped through to the first page, and received this set of instructions.

Hello, young Fordham Scholar. So, you wish to make some sort of reservation with the great and powerful OSL, do you? Harharharharhar! Silly moral, you may not advertise for your event! No one advertises for their events! Unless of course, they wish to meet the demands of the great and benevolent OSL! But be warned, few who attempt to accomplish the demands of the great and benevolent OSL make it back alive! Harharharharharharhar!
-Event must be booked two weeks in advance.
-Sheet must be filled out and signed by faculty advisor
-Budget must be up to code
-After these three things are taken care of, director of said group must eat an entire Ramvan, piece by piece, and then carry fourteen students to Lincoln Center on his/her back.
-Once at Lincoln Center, director must flash I.D. to desk guard. If he nods once, keep on walking. If he nods twice, then he is a spy and not to be trusted, you are to challenge him to an arm wrestling match. Only if you survive can you then continue your journey.
-Proceed to the Lincoln Center library, located deep within the bowels of the Lincoln Center campus. Once there, seek out a book on origami. From the teachings of this book, build yourself a giant origami swan, and fly it out of the library. Burn the remains of the library, for no one must know where you got that origami swan.
-The swan’s name is Lucius. You must refer to him as such.
-Lucius will fly you to Zeroxana, a remote island in the South Seas that has yet to be discovered by humans. Once there, you must pick the sweet fruit from the Goyog trees, juice it into an open wound, and await the spiritual journey ahead.
-On this spiritual journey, you will meet a man named Jennifer, with a flowing green beard and eye patch. Jennifer will tell you the tale of the Xanqua, an ancient race of robot men who were forced into captivity by the earliest cavemen tribes on earth. That’s right, robots preceded cavemen. Who would have thunk it?
-Jennifer will give you a small ivory box, but on your spiritual journey you will not open this box. -With a snap of his fingers, Jennifer will awaken you from your slumber, and you will still actually be holding the ivory box. It’ll be like one of those dreams where you imagine you found some really cool stuff, like a Gameboy when you were seven, and you wake up and it’s not there and you’re all like “man I wish that dream was real, I could have sworn I owned that!” except this time, you will actually still have it. You must return that ivory box and its contents back to Student Activities.
-Lucius will fly you back to the main land of Manhattan, but at this point he will probably need to be fed. Now you’re probably asking yourself “what do paper swans need to eat, if anything?” My answer to you is – ivory boxes. Now you have a choice to make, young traveler.
-You have wisely chosen not to feed your giant origami swan, but unfortunately that results in Lucius unfolding from exhaustion and landing in the ocean as one giant sheet of construction paper. Fear not however, as a ship will be waiting for you wherever you land. The ship shall be called the S.S. Ess-Ess, and will be helmed by a half-man half-wheelchair named Toronto. Toronto shall feed you and keep you warm, occasionally boring you with his stories of life as a buoy hunter. Regardless, he will drop you off at the isle of Manhattan after about three weeks. Make sure he hasn’t stolen your ivory box – men of the sea are not to be trusted.
-Catch the nearest bus at the South Street Seaport, it should lead you into the financial district, where you can easily hop onto an A train. You should make sure you have enough money left for a metro card.
-Transfer to the D,B, or 1 and get off at 59th Street Columbus Circle, and walk to Lincoln Center. Be sure to lay low, there’ll be a strict investigation about who burned down the library and you will be a prime suspect at this point.
-Successfully vomit up your as-yet-somehow-undigested Ram Van, piece it back together, and drive it back to Rose Hill. Rush hour shall act as your greatest foe, here.
-Come back up to Student Activities, where you shall present us with the ivory box. We shall give it to you to open. Once you open it, you shall see the meaning of life.
You open it, and there’s a mirror. You see your reflection and realize this whole journey was about you, growing and maturing as a person. You respond by angrily shouting expletives and throwing any available office supplies around the room. Yes, I suppose it was all a little bullshit.
-Bring us three copies of whatever poster you’d like approved.
-Congratulations, you’ve reached the halfway point!

At this point I just closed the damn thing and threw it in the nearest trash receptacle. Unfortunately, it seems as though things are only going to get worse, and Fordham students are going to be reminded constantly that if they want to get anything done themselves, they’ve got to fly to a remote undiscovered island on the back of a paper swan only to receive a magic box that doesn’t hold anything of real value. Pointless? Methinks so. OSL seems to be missing the entire point of student activities, which is to encourage students to get out there and do what they enjoy. These new rules do nothing but discourage any student with pie-in-the-sky dreams of extracurricular activities. The more obstacles OSL throws in the way, the less likely students are going to want to go after their goals. It’s simple baby boomer-boomer/MTV generation logic. Thanks anyway, Student Activities, we know you have the best intentions.

(Reads the whole thing to himself before submitting) Geez, I was angry that day.