Tuesday, July 3, 2007


It brings me great sorrow and heartbreak to resign this day from the facebook group, “Teach For America”. Truly, my heart had never been in it from day one, as I joined the group blindly because a girl I kind of liked invited me. I am truly sorry for my inexcusable deception. However, the truth is, I would make a terrible teacher, and I don’t even particularly support teachers or education, so my mere presence in this group was completely, utterly in vain. Apologies to anyone who has been affected by this faux pas.
Also, I regret to say that I have also removed myself from the “Human Being Group” on facebook, as I feel it’s simply too accepting. If I am going to be part of a group or club, I prefer it to exclude at least some type of denomination as to boost my fragile ego. The “Human Being Group” also lacked any real organization, and failed on its initial promises of prosperity for the human race. Instead, the group merely provided inane wall postings and a few google image photos of Chuck Norris.
While we’re on the topic, I would like to take this time to announce my departure from “The Christian Bale Appreciation Club”. Sure, I think Christian Bale’s alright, really gave the Batman franchise a refreshing kick in the pants, but I don’t appreciate him so much as to belong to a group dedicated to his body of work. My heart simply was not in it during my tenure, and for the past three years I honestly forgot that I had ever been a member.
I’m also quite disturbed and saddened to announce that I will no longer consider myself a member of “That’s SO Andrew Kingsley!” I don’t know Andrew Kingsley, I’m not facebook friends with Andrew Kingsley, and I’ve barely ever heard of Andrew Kingsley. However, judging from the pictures of drunken escapades on the group page, including several of the young man mugging for the camera with a solo cup in one hand and at least one popped collar, I can safely assume that Andrew Kingsley does not merit his own group, let alone my membership in said own group. While he looks like he’s a hit at frat parties, Andrew Kingsley sadly falters in the facebook group department. My membership from day one was a complete and utter charade, and I do apologize to the deceived.
It also pains me greatly to inform you that I will be cutting ties with the group, “Facebook Members For the Kyoto Protocol in the United States”. Amongst my reasons for leaving are I do not often visit the group page, and I don’t know WTF this is! My gut instinct is that I was invited by one of my outspoken, hippie facebook friends and its to support some lame thing like genocide in another country that a damn facebook group full of privileged white college kids won’t be able to do a damn thing about anyway. Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Am I going to hell (again)?
Also, since I have your attention, and I assume that I do, I would like to tender my resignation from the group “If This Group Reaches 250,000, My Girlfriend Will Have A Threesome With Me!” Look, I’m all for helping my fellow man get laid, but this is taking it all a bit too far, in my humble opinion. While I see that the group is currently at 549 members, there appears to be little chance of this anonymous individual receiving his hypothetical orgy as it is. However, I’m afraid that total shall now be 548, as I feel I can no longer support this dying cause. Besides, the group administrator should learn that there are other ways to get close to your romantic partner other than hoping she’ll lose a bet over a facebook group. Or at least make the number more realistic next time.
While we’re at it, I’m also reporting my resignation from the group “We Remember 90s Nickelodeon!” The wave of quirky retro nostalgia, I fear, has passed, and truly, no one came out the better for it. Also, I regret to announce my departure from the facebook group, “Kerry/Edwards in ‘04”. It’s just good housekeeping.
Finally, I’m leaving the group “Fordham Praise and Worship”. For perhaps it is fitting that I deleted each bi-daily group message which announced the next prayer session or special mass before ever reading them. My heart was truly never in this group, as, I admit freely, I thought they were kidding. For this, I am truly sorry. If Jesus was on facebook, surely he would de-friend me.
Life has truly taken me in different directions in the most recent months, and I must adjust accordingly. Apologies to all involved, and I do hope we meet again in less pointless circumstances. I would, while I have your attention, like to announce my newest facebook group, “Enough With All These Facebook Groups!!!”, has just opened up. Once you join, there’s no way out.

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