Monday, August 31, 2009

The Wallwigg Way

Sammy Wallwigg is the campus big shot. Any lady who's any lady wants to be with Sammy, and those who don't have just reserved themselves to the fact that they're too unattractive for him. With his garish good looks, fit frame, and irresistible charms, it's not hard to see why Wallwigg is a hit with the ladies. He's slept with cheerleaders, gymnasts, and hand models, and leaves them all begging for more. So what's Sammy's secret?

"I can climax almost instantly", he boasts.

"Most guys can take up to five or seven minutes, leaving the female participant bored and impatient. I get in there, do my business, and get out. It's simple time management, and it sells." Wallwigg has quite the reputation around campus, and yes, much of it is self-planted. Still, it puts the rest of the guys on campus in their place. They know who the king is.

"Man, some of us guys can do it in four minutes. Three minutes, maybe", laments campus low shot Roy Butterburg. "But a minute-thirteen? We can't compete with that."

"Sammy Wallwigg is...not necessarily the best I've ever had. Far from it. I mean, he was really quick" claims local female Stephanie Drutman. "I got so much other stuff done that night, which was good because it was around midterms. Overall, I guess thumbs up?"

Along with his unparalleled bedroom talents, myth of amazing feats swirl around Wallwigg's reputation. Rumors of climaxing at simply a makeout have given the lesser men something to strive for. Legend has it that Wallwigg's record is nineteen seconds, accomplished with Rugby team captain Julianne Frosters.

"That's a stretch", confirms Frosters. "It wasn't that long".

Wallwigg's swagger instantly reflects his abilities and accomplishments. His seduction techniques can get the ladies in bed almost as quick as he gets them out. And while much crying and apologizing afterward every single time would shake the reputation of a lesser man, Wallwigg loses none of his mystique.

This fall, Wallwigg plans to begin a seminar ("The Wallwigg Way"), coaching less successful guys on how to get a woman into the bedroom, and experience immediate ecstasy. "I've been blessed with a great gift", he beams. "What kind of man would I be if I wasn't willing to share my knowledge and abilities? Under my plan, more guys will be experiencing faster, quicker, and more hilariously instant orgasms than ever before."

In our Google-instant world, it's about time.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Jesse and the Rippers: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Speech

Music is like an ocean – constantly rising, falling; ebbing and flowing. To stay afloat in the music business is akin to not drowning in the actual ocean. There are some artists, however, who are relative Neptunes of the music world. When I first heard Jesse Katsopolas (Cochran) and his Rippers, my world changed. They were rock, but not roll. Rhythm but not blues. Hip but not hop. No, they were something more, for I had seen God for the first time, and he was in the form of a cover of “Doo Wah Ditty Ditty Dum Ditty Doo”.

To witness the band at their peak was to witness a musical assault that would rarely, if ever, have mercy. From the first few notes of whatever golden oldie they would launch into, it was always obvious that the revolution was on. The life revolution. To hear their music was to awaken a dormant part of your soul, a part that realizes it has yet to be a proper participant in this world. The term “Ripper-boomers” was coined to describe those children conceived the second a couple heard a Jesse and the Rippers tune. They predated grunge, completely missed new wave, and flat-out ignored synth-pop, but boy howdy could they rip through a sizzling “Pretty Woman”.

It’s tough to establish a musical career based entirely on the previous work of others, but that in a way is what makes J & the Rs so enigmatic. Sure, they could have been original, like every other band, but they took the path less traveled. Way less traveled. Of course some naysayers claimed that redone versions of old timey rock songs are not what the kids wanted circa 1988. These people were clearly not at DJ’s prom.

Some would call Katsopolas the first real rebel leader of popular music. Under his stoic guidance, Jesse’s Rippers made their own rules; they practiced in the living room long after the girls’ bedtime. Though they were caught by Danny, they didn’t let it get them down. The Rippers were rebels with literally no cause or purpose.

Jesse and the Rippers changed the way we thought of the concept of a band. The non-Jesse members, though relegated to the background most of the time, were each an integral element to the band’s creative energy. For instance, few other bands featured female backup singers who served no purpose other than to look “sooo late-80s/early-90s”.

Sure, there are those who have covered this territory way better before and since, but…um…

For sheer euphoric power pop perfection, one need look no further than the group’s breakthrough single, “Forever”. Sure, some original fans simply could not get on board with the relatively soft tune, though Katsopolas never did what he did for the fans. He followed his own path, wherever his muse led. You were either along for the ride, or you weren’t. In this case, the ride was a Beach Boys cover; one of the seminal recordings of the nineties. Perhaps the accompanying video creeped some out with its ample use of silk, twins, and candles, but not everyone liked the Mona Lisa either. One thing was for damn sure - the Japanese got it. They always do.

What drove the Rippers apart? Some say women, some say money, some say drugs. Others have suggested Katsopolas’s inexplicable radio career became a distraction. However, the actual reason for Katsopolas’s exile from his own band came from his time consuming relationship with his wife and children. This lifestyle did not mesh with the remaining Rippers, steadfast to remain single and childless into their early forties. Additionally, the Rippers were not huge fans of the way Jesse solved every inter-band argument by having a heart-to-heart, hugging them, and calling them “Munchkin”.

Nevertheless, like a “q” and a “u”, Jesse needed the Rippers, and the Rippers only too late, realized they needed Jesse; for they were perfect compliments to one another. Venturing out on their own, the Rippers, known then as Barry and the Rippers, quickly lost the interest of their fanbase. Evidently, demand for a rock band featuring former Brady Bunch star Barry Williams was predictably low amongst the MTV youth. Oddly enough, Jesse garnered no interest from the fans on his own, though he kept up his quest to make music with solo projects, the reopening of the SMASH club, an attempt at managing Stephanie and Gia’s band they had for some reason, and his “Wings” – Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. Regardless of his ill-fated post-Rippers output, Jesse Katsopolas remains a towering figure amongst musicians, and men on the whole.

Though they don’t have one original song to their credit, the Rippers’ shadow over the rest of popular music is majestic and ever-growing. New fans continue to discover their discography; every minute, a ten year-old boy picks up his first guitar dreaming to be the next Jesse Katsopolas. In early November, a box-set of recently unearthed outtakes, demos, and live-performances will be released. Truly, Jesse and his Rippers aren’t going anywhere.

Barry and the remaining Rippers died in a helicopter crash, but Michelle had gotten anesthesia that same day, so the story got very little attention.

So today, I am honored and humbled to induct Jesse and the Rippers into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

(Jesse wakes up)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Unemployment...a farewell

The past five months have been a roller coaster. The search for a job in this economy can drive a man to do some crazy things, like send out gum in his resumes, attach nude photos, or use Courier New in his cover letter. However, I have finally landed a position which starts next week. While most of me is excited for this shiny new stage of life, a small morsel of me is feeling a twinge of sadness for days of unemployment past. So much time spent doing things I will lord-willing never have the luxury of the time to waste doing. If a poll was taken, I guarantee most dvd commentaries are watched during periods of unemployment. In fact, I'm pretty sure the concept was invented for it. (Why would anyone want to be thinking "Wonder if I'm ever going to make a living again", when they could be thinking "Oh wow, the guy in the background during the parking lot scene in Fight Club was actually the lighting guy's cousin!")

Sadly, tomorrow is my last day of unemployment for at least the next few months (barring any on-the-job curse-laden tirades), and I am determined to have the Most Unemployed Day of All Time. Yes, meticulous planning was involved. Yes, I used flow charts. Yes, Excel was used. Which I am proficient in.

Anyway, Michael Hadge's Most Unemployed Day Ever will include the following:

- waking up at 2 PM just in time to see the sunrise (on youtube)

- checking facebook

- making a hearty breakfast of cheese, sliced salami, and diet coke from the bottle

- checking Craigslist just to feel vindicated

- making the rounds on the internet, going off on several tangents related to monkeys riding segues

- going to the Post Office "just to hang out".

- checking facebook again to update my status

- no pants

- gchatting with all my friends who have jobs, and when they don't respond, typing more

- going to that one hot dog cart in midtown I've always been told is the best

- checking facebook to see if anyone "Like"d my status

- catching a matinee of Transformers 2

- rushing home to give a detailed review on the message boards

- debating jerks on the message boards

- calling parents to tell them I looked on craigslist

- alcohol and grilled cheese in that order

- checking friendster

- checking facebook

- flipping through roommates TiVo'd episodes of Oprah for any nudity

- rediscovering my love for the P-S section of the dictionary

- crying on the floor

- twittering about it all