We all get desperate, and history has shown that desperate times call for similarly-labeled measures. While our judgment becomes slightly clouded through these times, we turn to religion, drugs and Lifetime made-for-tv “events”. However, when none of those things are readily available, we turn to whatever’s around. You see, I have been waiting to hear back on quite a few employment opportunities, and though temp jobs have been holding me over, to receive some positive news on even one of them would be a large (as the saying goes) monkey off my ass. It has just been quite some time since a bit of good fortune has come my way.
Then I noticed an electronic message (or “e-mail”) in my inbox from a few days ago – a chain letter sent by my aunt. That’s right – a chain letter, one of the most obnoxious side-effects of the internet, nuzzled softly between Perez Hilton and Hamster Dance. Now, normally I ain’t one to pay these kooky chain letters any mind, but this one dealt with the concept of luck. It was a Chinese proverb that claimed if I forwarded the message to twenty people, I would receive some great news tomorrow. Hot damn, I thought, that’s a day I could conceivably find out about a certain employment opportunity! Of course, I would have had no reason to follow the chain mail’s instructions, but it said a guy who sent it made ninety-nine million dollars the next day. Additionally, a guy who did not send it lost his job! Though they used no names or specifics, this was good enough for me. Had my unemployment been the direct result of not sending out this or previous chain letters? Was I that guy in the letter who lost his job? While the possibility seems far-fetched, there was little to suggest otherwise. Either way, I couldn’t take any more chain letter-related chances.
I proceeded to forward my first ever chain letter to twenty people who I believed would be most forgiving, including immediate family, friends, and New York comedy-club newsletters that had it coming. Though I throughout my life have immediately added anyone who has sent me a chain letter to a very exclusive but ever-growing “To Murder” list, I assured the recipients of this chain letter would be far more emotionally stable than myself.
So there, I’ve finally put my fate in the hands of a chain letter. I either signed up for eternal success or put myself at the top of twenty “To Murder” lists. Am I proud of sinking so low as to continue spreading a chain letter – which has to be in the same ballpark as continuing the cycle of violence or racism? Not really, but again, these times are approaching desperate. Plus, I could be ninety-nine million dollars richer tomorrow! Then who’ll be laughing? (me)