Sunday, August 12, 2007

Harry Potter and the Lost Spells of Hadge

Here are a few incantations that for one reason or another, Hogwarts left out of their curriculum.

Descendo Stockmarkum – Little known spell that causes the stock market to crash.

Contacto Domino – Orders your enemy twenty-seven anchovy pizzas from Domino’s that they will totally have to pay for. It’ll be awesome.

Motorus Uncoordinato - Makes it so that everytime a driver is unlocking a passenger side car door for your enemy, they try to lift the handle at that exact moment of the attempted unlocking, thus keeping the door locked and leading to several more vain attempts to open the car door. It gets really annoying after awhile.

Elongo Titanico – Increases the running time of the film Titanic by an hour and thirty-five minutes. Nobody really ever uses this one.

Gottfriedo – Spell that causes your enemy to sound like comedian Gilbert Gottfried. There is no known counter spell.

Collectus Dialus – Bewitches your enemy into making collect calls to everyone they know, thus pissing them off royally.

Reducto Testicli – Used to bring fiercest of enemies “down a notch”. They never see it coming.

Cosbify – Causes your enemy to think their Bill Cosby-impression is hilarious, and to break it out at wildly inappropriate moments.

You Got Servedium! – Serves your enemy without the tiresome procedure of a break dancing competition.

Rectium Verbosa – Causes your enemy’s anus to start talking in a Russian accent. It’s actually pretty funny.

Drugifirus Speedofus - Plants a baggie of cocaine in your enemy’s glove compartment, then bewitches them into driving over the speed limit the next time they motor their vehicle, getting themselves pulled over by a state trooper, who then discovers the stash when your enemy reaches for their license and registration. A bit long winded, but effective.

Impotencia – Blocks your enemy from being able to get it up.

Smashmouthus Infinitum – Causes your enemy to have “All Star” by Smash Mouth stuck in their head indefinitely.

Lifto Douchebagiti – Permanently pops your opposition’s collar indefinitely, causing their peers to go “Pfft, what a tool. Can you believe that guy?”

Retardos – Does probably what you think.

Tivotum Scrubsotus – Tivo’s Scrubs for later viewing.

Tivotum Jhericotus – “ Jherico “ “ “

Impregno – Plants a seed in your enemy, male or female, that grows up to be a real pain in the ass.

Silencio Protencia – Quiets down anyone who is giving a heavy-handed, pretentious speech about their views. This comes in handy if one is visiting a liberal arts college.

Minoritos – Causes your enemy to have the racial tolerance of a seventy-eight year old Alabama veteran.

Circumcizum – Take a wild guess.

Tim Allencantatum – Causes your enemy to make a string of really shitty Disney movies.

Reducto Bladdium – Causes your enemy to have to run to the john every three minutes.

Erecto Patronum – Basically serves as the magical equivalent of Viagra. Also, keeps Dementors away. Counter jinx to Impotencia.

Hepititus Totalus – self explanatory.

AIDS! – Ditto.

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