Fast and Furious - Where to next?

A new The Fast and the Furious film is coming out. I'm pretty sure this is the fourth sequel after the original, 2 Fast 2 Furious and The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Finally, Vin Diesel is back in the franchise and to celebrate, they've dropped the identifyers from the title of the original, perfecting a title that was, I think we can all now admit, a little identifyer heavy.

However, with such a slightly-different and not clever sequel title, I am surprised the studio did not think that this would confuse audiences into thinking the film was a remake or a very subtle pornographic knockoff. This also got me thinking that if the franchise continues along this path, they may be strapped for titles, since the current trend forces them to utilize very-slight variations on the same theme. However, a quick internet seach revealed some upcoming sequel titles for the franchise all currently in pre-production.

Take a look:

"5 Fast 5 Furious"

"A Fast and A Furious"

"Faster and Furiouster"

"Fast and Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"Some Fast and Some Furious"

"The Fast and the Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"A Fast and a Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"The Fast and 2 Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"Some Fast and Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"The Fast and the Furious 2"

"Fast"

"Furious"

"Neither"

I mean, they'll probably be Netflix rentals for this guy.

Best Extended Use of My Name Ever

This is staggering. The parents of this chick I know Whitney attended the Zach Braff Mysteries last week and demanded that they let me know through e-mail. What took place was amazing. Observe...


"Whitney,

Please forward this message to Hadge or AKA: Badge (Bad Hadge) or Madge (Mad Hadge) or Bondadge (Spy Hadge) or Bandadge (The Group) or Fadge (you just never know) or Steeradge (in the lowest decks of a ship) or Homadge (Yoga Hadge) or Gadge ( one 'T' short of a thing you can use) or Smadge (just a little more than a pinch) or Snadge (oopsie!) or Dosadge (2 Spanish Hadges) or Mileadge (Jazz Hadge) or Groupadge (Hadge Fans) or Manadge (in the gym) or Piladge (on exstacy) or Beveradge (the fertile triangle) or Camophlage (hard to see in the woods) or Assembladge (Christmas in Boston with family) or Sewadge (Lawyer Hadge) or Overadge (airplane joke) or Bagadge (at the store shopping) or Cleveadge (Ohio Hadge) or (my personal favorite) Advantadge (clever new marketing scheme crafted by Hadge while enlisting the help of a very good friend with a van)

Hadge,

We truly enjoyed your show. Next time we'll be sure to stay. Our best,
Your Two New Biggest Fans,
roy & Cathie(Whitney's Dad & Mom)"

Dosadge = 2 Spanish Hadge's?! Insane. And brilliant.

The World Baseball Classic Must Be Stopped

The World Baseball Classic needs to be stopped. Like American Idol, what started as a fun, cutesy idea has quickly descended into an inevitable path towards career-damaging destruction. Sure, its fun to wear uniforms with your country’s flag on it, but spring training should prepare players for the upcoming season, not give them infinitely more chances for them to be handicapped in time for it. This past week, Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedroia, the only two probably-going-to-be-productive Red Sox hitters, both succumbed to injuries during the (not at) all important WBC, and for what? Literally, no reason. The WBC ranks somewhere between Sunday afternoon bowling and the WNBA finals in terms of sports relevancy. Anybody who watched it probably didn’t mean to, because they were in a bar and ESPN Classic was only showing Bronx Is Burning reruns. So, why risk the health of players that matter for a competition that totally doesn’t?

The World Baseball Classic has a history for notoriously ruining the seasons of Sox players. Somehow, nobody’s sensed a pattern. In 2006 (I think…) Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched brilliantly for Japan but somehow ran out of steam somewhere in July for the Sox because oops, someone forgot that Japanese players are already only used to pitching a portion of a normal MLB season. Therefore, he was already guaranteed to run out of steam late-summer, but thanks to the WBC that timeframe was magically shifted to mid-summer. Mike Timlin was a solid veteran reliever who was clearly on the decline in 2007, who what better way to adequately prepare him for a season in which he will undoubtedly need to take things slow and easy to be effective? If you said have him exert a lot of energy way earlier in the year when it doesn’t at all matter, you’re on the nose my friend. His regular season consisted of several trips to the DL, and an ERA of about 8.

Now to have this happen to Youk and Pedroia is enraging in the fact that nobody could see this coming. Nobody stopped to say “woah guys, I don’t know – we’ve already got a pretty injured team. Maybe you ought to sit this one out so you can contribute to our already depleted lineup.” Nope. Instead they probably said “Yeah, Cowboy Up! Show those non-Patriotic bastards who’s boss!” as that damn “Proud to be an American…” song blasted through the clubhouse. It now occurs to me that probably-actually-37 David Ortiz also played in the WBC.

What baseball really should do is have each country represented by players that have no shot of making their respective teams out of camp. Sure, America wouldn’t do great, but I’d sleep much better knowing that the likes of Josh Bard, Chris Smith, or Lars Anderson were out there risking season-limiting injury. I think AA Trenton will recover.

If the WBC accomplished something – anything – I may be more forgiving. Say what you will about the All Star game determining homefield advantage in the World Series, but it does inject the game with a certain amount of stake and urgency. At least make it so whoever wins the WBC doesn’t have to watch Frank TV ads during their country’s playoff broadcasts. Or maybe the losers have to take on Tim McCarver as their permanent color-commentator. Or maybe just make it so the winning country does not have to participate in the WBC ever again. That I could get behind.

Those Snickers Ads Made Me Mad Today. Real Mad.

If you've been outside recently in New York, you've seen those damn snickers ads. What started last year as a quasi-but-not-really-that-clever series of puns and twisted phrases has quickly transformed into a eh-fuck-it-let's-stop-trying series of puns and phrases. The campaign basically goes by the logic that any two words can be combined, regardless of any sort of clever connection. Check some of these out...

"Sign up for a Hungerectomy"- This one is the least-worst offender by just being pretty terrible.

"Enroll in Chocollege" - This one is just sort of there. Why even print this?

"Learn to speak Snacklish" - Is it supposed to be based on the word "English"? "Spanish"? Cuz "snack" has nothing to do with anything.


"Book an appointment with Doctor Feedzmore" - why?! what does this mean?!


"Ride on The Ate Train"- there's not even an actual "8 Train"! THIS MEANS NOTHING AND MAKES ME THE MADDEST!

I mean, even if these are supposed to be parodying their old ad campaign, they totally fail at any brand of irony! All it does is frustrate the viewer to the point of repeatedly kicking that guy who got on at Lexington/59th who was standing next to me at the time. Also, it basically just says that Snickers has given up on us. They see the use of anything clever as wasted so they've just stopped making attempts.

I'll miss you, not-retarded Snickers ads.

The War on Indie

I was just informed that my improv practice group would be considered “indie”. This got me to thinking. We have never put on a show or developed a following. Hell at this point we don’t even have a group name. I suppose technically, this falls under the definition, but doesn’t that make us more “obscure”, “unknown” or “non-factor”. The term “indie” has gotten out of hand. Once used to refer to unsigned bands and movies featuring Ryan Gosling, the term can now essentially be used to label anything that’s not represented by Viacom.

There are just too many questions about the term…

Am I indie because I’ve never costarred with George Clooney in anything?’

Are the Florida Marlins indie because their attendance figures are poor?

Is Osama Bin Laden indie because his videos only reach a limited audience?

Are my pants indie because only I’ve worn them?

Is my rash indie because only I know about it?

Is my sandwhich indie because only I’m going to eat it?

Is my mom indie because she’s not society’s mom?

Are my dreams indie because they feature three guys from Fleet Foxes?

Is that copy of Pearl Harbor on dvd at my house indie because it hasn’t been opened yet?

Hats are not indie, but is the my poem about hats indie?

CONCLUSION: “Indie” is just a term developed to help people who live in Brooklyn cope with the idea that they are unsigned. The end. Sorry I got so worked up before...

The whole U2 at Fordham thing...

Fordham got some much craved coverage on Good Morning America this morning when it featured U2 performing on the steps of Keating Hall. Previously, the steps of Keating Hall had featured such acts as “douche freshman playing his guitar”, “drunk couple having sex at 4 AM”, and “me drunkenly playing Oregon Trail on a friend’s laptop while eating Ritz crackers.” Nevertheless, U2 was up to the challenge of following these legends, captivating an entire crowd of students and alumni gathered on Eddie’s parade and no doubt pissing off the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah crowd who were jonesing for a game of ultimate Frisbee.

I admit – this one’s been a long time coming for Fordham, whose sole pinpoint of recognition is that a character from Spin City supposedly attended. If one were to tune into Good Morning America and see Fordham, they may be impressed that such a school can land an act such as big as U2. They may even send their kid there, thinking that the forty-two grand a year would undoubtedly be worth for the surely frequent U2-caliber experiences. To be fair though, Good Morning America should have really supplied the list of bands which had appeared at Fordham immediately prior to U2. This list includes (but is not limited to) Yellowcard, Lifehouse, Third Eye Blind, Sister Hazel, Ghostface Killa, Busta Rhymes, and those two Mariachi guys who frequent the 6 Train.

I can’t help but wonder what prompted U2 to choose Fordham as their GMA college. I suppose the Jesuit (Bono likes religion) thing could have helped, but I strongly suspect they just haven’t heard of Columbia. Consequently, it is also possible that U2 were simply told that they were at Columbia. Or at least at America’s only college. Not once during the performance did I catch Bono, etc. ever mention Fordham by name. Sure, the term “college” was amply used, as well as the idea of college on the whole. Still, the curious lack of specifics only supports my theory that they had no idea where they were.

Another possibility was that McShane sent U2 the same recruitment pack he sends scouted high school seniors. I admit it, that pamphlet and vidfomercial makes Fordham look and sound fantastic. I can totally see the Edge watching it and thinking “wow, small classes and a well rounded Jesuit education, there’s something I can definitely rock out to!” However, like many of us, I’m sure upon their campus arrival U2 was wondering what happened to all the hot girls from the vidfomercial.

Then again, maybe they just couldn’t get NYU. Sigh.