Jesse and the Rippers: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Speech

Music is like an ocean – constantly rising, falling; ebbing and flowing. To stay afloat in the music business is akin to not drowning in the actual ocean. There are some artists, however, who are relative Neptunes of the music world. When I first heard Jesse Katsopolas (Cochran) and his Rippers, my world changed. They were rock, but not roll. Rhythm but not blues. Hip but not hop. No, they were something more, for I had seen God for the first time, and he was in the form of a cover of “Doo Wah Ditty Ditty Dum Ditty Doo”.

To witness the band at their peak was to witness a musical assault that would rarely, if ever, have mercy. From the first few notes of whatever golden oldie they would launch into, it was always obvious that the revolution was on. The life revolution. To hear their music was to awaken a dormant part of your soul, a part that realizes it has yet to be a proper participant in this world. The term “Ripper-boomers” was coined to describe those children conceived the second a couple heard a Jesse and the Rippers tune. They predated grunge, completely missed new wave, and flat-out ignored synth-pop, but boy howdy could they rip through a sizzling “Pretty Woman”.

It’s tough to establish a musical career based entirely on the previous work of others, but that in a way is what makes J & the Rs so enigmatic. Sure, they could have been original, like every other band, but they took the path less traveled. Way less traveled. Of course some naysayers claimed that redone versions of old timey rock songs are not what the kids wanted circa 1988. These people were clearly not at DJ’s prom.

Some would call Katsopolas the first real rebel leader of popular music. Under his stoic guidance, Jesse’s Rippers made their own rules; they practiced in the living room long after the girls’ bedtime. Though they were caught by Danny, they didn’t let it get them down. The Rippers were rebels with literally no cause or purpose.

Jesse and the Rippers changed the way we thought of the concept of a band. The non-Jesse members, though relegated to the background most of the time, were each an integral element to the band’s creative energy. For instance, few other bands featured female backup singers who served no purpose other than to look “sooo late-80s/early-90s”.

Sure, there are those who have covered this territory way better before and since, but…um…

For sheer euphoric power pop perfection, one need look no further than the group’s breakthrough single, “Forever”. Sure, some original fans simply could not get on board with the relatively soft tune, though Katsopolas never did what he did for the fans. He followed his own path, wherever his muse led. You were either along for the ride, or you weren’t. In this case, the ride was a Beach Boys cover; one of the seminal recordings of the nineties. Perhaps the accompanying video creeped some out with its ample use of silk, twins, and candles, but not everyone liked the Mona Lisa either. One thing was for damn sure - the Japanese got it. They always do.

What drove the Rippers apart? Some say women, some say money, some say drugs. Others have suggested Katsopolas’s inexplicable radio career became a distraction. However, the actual reason for Katsopolas’s exile from his own band came from his time consuming relationship with his wife and children. This lifestyle did not mesh with the remaining Rippers, steadfast to remain single and childless into their early forties. Additionally, the Rippers were not huge fans of the way Jesse solved every inter-band argument by having a heart-to-heart, hugging them, and calling them “Munchkin”.

Nevertheless, like a “q” and a “u”, Jesse needed the Rippers, and the Rippers only too late, realized they needed Jesse; for they were perfect compliments to one another. Venturing out on their own, the Rippers, known then as Barry and the Rippers, quickly lost the interest of their fanbase. Evidently, demand for a rock band featuring former Brady Bunch star Barry Williams was predictably low amongst the MTV youth. Oddly enough, Jesse garnered no interest from the fans on his own, though he kept up his quest to make music with solo projects, the reopening of the SMASH club, an attempt at managing Stephanie and Gia’s band they had for some reason, and his “Wings” – Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. Regardless of his ill-fated post-Rippers output, Jesse Katsopolas remains a towering figure amongst musicians, and men on the whole.

Though they don’t have one original song to their credit, the Rippers’ shadow over the rest of popular music is majestic and ever-growing. New fans continue to discover their discography; every minute, a ten year-old boy picks up his first guitar dreaming to be the next Jesse Katsopolas. In early November, a box-set of recently unearthed outtakes, demos, and live-performances will be released. Truly, Jesse and his Rippers aren’t going anywhere.

Barry and the remaining Rippers died in a helicopter crash, but Michelle had gotten anesthesia that same day, so the story got very little attention.

So today, I am honored and humbled to induct Jesse and the Rippers into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

(Jesse wakes up)

Unemployment...a farewell

The past five months have been a roller coaster. The search for a job in this economy can drive a man to do some crazy things, like send out gum in his resumes, attach nude photos, or use Courier New in his cover letter. However, I have finally landed a position which starts next week. While most of me is excited for this shiny new stage of life, a small morsel of me is feeling a twinge of sadness for days of unemployment past. So much time spent doing things I will lord-willing never have the luxury of the time to waste doing. If a poll was taken, I guarantee most dvd commentaries are watched during periods of unemployment. In fact, I'm pretty sure the concept was invented for it. (Why would anyone want to be thinking "Wonder if I'm ever going to make a living again", when they could be thinking "Oh wow, the guy in the background during the parking lot scene in Fight Club was actually the lighting guy's cousin!")

Sadly, tomorrow is my last day of unemployment for at least the next few months (barring any on-the-job curse-laden tirades), and I am determined to have the Most Unemployed Day of All Time. Yes, meticulous planning was involved. Yes, I used flow charts. Yes, Excel was used. Which I am proficient in.

Anyway, Michael Hadge's Most Unemployed Day Ever will include the following:

- waking up at 2 PM just in time to see the sunrise (on youtube)

- checking facebook

- making a hearty breakfast of cheese, sliced salami, and diet coke from the bottle

- checking Craigslist just to feel vindicated

- making the rounds on the internet, going off on several tangents related to monkeys riding segues

- going to the Post Office "just to hang out".

- checking facebook again to update my status

- no pants

- gchatting with all my friends who have jobs, and when they don't respond, typing more

- going to that one hot dog cart in midtown I've always been told is the best

- checking facebook to see if anyone "Like"d my status

- catching a matinee of Transformers 2

- rushing home to give a detailed review on the IMDB.com message boards

- debating jerks on the IMDB.com message boards

- calling parents to tell them I looked on craigslist

- alcohol and grilled cheese in that order

- checking friendster

- checking facebook

- flipping through roommates TiVo'd episodes of Oprah for any nudity

- rediscovering my love for the P-S section of the dictionary

- crying on the floor

- twittering about it all

Oh this guy is just a jerk...

Journey to the Stars

Journey to the Stars is a new presentational space show which recently opened at the Hayden Planetarium. The description sounds fascinating enough; "Featuring extraordinary images from telescopes on the ground and in space and stunning, never-before-seen visualizations of physics-based simulations, the dazzling new Journey to the Stars launches visitors through space and time to experience the life and death of the stars in our night sky, including our own nurturing Sun. Tour familiar stellar formations, explore new celestial mysteries, and discover the fascinating, unfolding story that connects us all to the stars. Those who come along for the journey may never see the night sky in the same way again." I can dig that.

Wanna know who's hosting this space program? Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi. Goldberg. Whoo. Pi. Gold. Berg.

Now, if I was making a list of the top 10 individuals I would least associate with space (I do this on occasion), I'm pretty sure Whoopi would be somewhere in the top 6. However, Whoopi seems to be one of the very few public figures that can pretty much slide into any role of expertise and nobody would question it. James Earl Jones also fits in this category. However, I cannot help but wonder what the selection process was like for the host of Journey to the Stars. My imagination conjures up the following...

(Setting: Sound stage, Wednesday Afternoon. Casting directors Nancy and Brad lead the proceedings)

NANCY: Alright, we've narrowed it down to the two of you. Each candidate please step forward and say a few words about yourself.

DR. PADDINGTON LIVINGSTON III: Salutations, my name is Dr. Paddington Livingston III, I have spent thirty-seven years studying with NASA, teaching advanced astronomy at Rutgers and testing my own anti-gravitational tank in my back yard. Additionally, I have corresponded with every space team on their mission to the moon for the past twenty-six years.

BRAD: Oh...ho. And you?

WHOOPI: My name's Whoopi Goldberg. I was in How Stella Got Her Groove Back and Sister Act. Oh, and Sister Act II.

NANCY: "Back in the Habit"?

WHOOPI: Yeah.

BRAD: That was hilarious! I think our decision just got a lot easier.

LIVINGSTON: Excuse me, but I deduct that my qualifications are far more relevant to this particular presentation!

BRAD: Um, okay Dr. Livingston, how many Sister Acts were you in?

LIVINGSTON: Well, none...but...several accomplished astronauts have studied under me! I was a special consultant during the movie version of Apollo 13 just to make sure the shuttle scenes were accurate! I designed the first indestructible space vessel that can also travel underwater!

BRAD: Blahblahblah! BO-RING!J

NANCY: I think we've made ourselves clear. She's got you beat - two Sister Acts to zero.

LIVINGSTON: Why this is an outrage!

BRAD: But don't worry, we've got a super special job for you that only someone of your skill level could possibly do!

(hands LIVINGSTON cue cards)

LIVINGSTON: Well I never...!

END SCENE.

This is definitely exactly what happened.

More like GAYbraham!!!

I just remembered this.

If you went through a public school system, you inadvertently learned about the birds and the bees in ways that would best be described as "colorful", "scattershot", and "from a kid with a lisp". We gather so much information about them naughty topics that it often becomes difficult to pinpoint exactly where/how we gained a particular nugget of knowledge. (I still swear I learned what "pimp" and "ho" meant while learning multiplication tables) However, last night I remembered how I first heard the term "gay" used in the way we now know and love.

It was third grade, I was nine, and our teacher Mrs. Kenny was attempting to teach us history. The subject was the US Presidents, and she basically hit on all the important ones, i.e. - the ones whose birthdays have been jumbled together for a single holiday. I.e. - Washington and Lincoln. It was a brisk lesson followed by "free time", which came up a good deal in third grade because Mrs. Kenny for whatever reason hated some combination of teaching and children.

As each student tended to their coloring or phonics homework or badly-timed boners, class badass Alex Connors walked up to the cluster of desks where I sat.

"Abraham Lincoln is gay!" he stated.

This puzzled me, as I had only heard the word used in the sense meaning happy, and I assumed this is what he was intending to imply. Not the case. It was explained to me how "gay" meant that he liked boys instead of girls. Again, this puzzled me. By Alex Connor's logic, mixed in with my lack thereof, I could only deduce that "gay" meant a person...

- Had a cool beard
- Was on the penny
- Freed the slaves
- Gave famous speeches
- Was born in a log cabin
- Wore a stovepipe hat
- Was shot by John Wilkes Boothe
- Was a good president
- Likes showtunes

Also, in retrospect Abe Lincoln seemed like a strange target for a "gay" labeling. Wasn't he like, one of the most badass guys in American history? There are at least like 42 gayer US Presidents than Lincoln, and that's just off the top of my head.

So excuse me if my current views toward homosexuality are a bit inaccurate.

How I Nailed That FUSE Audition

Yesterday marked my first actual foray into the life of a professional performer. I had gotten a call to audition for a VJ on a pop music video show on the FUSE network, which is probably channel 742 on your cable box. Their only criteria was that I "be prepared to talk about pop music". Seems pretty simple. I am a great admirer of pop music. However, it turned out that they did not mean "In general" or "made between 1964 and 1975", so I figured I was up a proverbial creek. Of the ass.

Thus...I started on some research, looking at the Billboard charts and YouTubing any Hot 100 Hits that I may have missed (all of them). Of course, pop music is such a vast terrain that there was no way I was going to learn everything in time. Plus, there was no way that they'd ask me "specific" questions, like "What's the name of Eminem's crew" or some crap like that. Thus, I stopped my research and concentrated on my super cool VJ image and alter-ego.

Unfortunately, once I arrive at said audition, I am presented with a sheet of paper requiring me to fill out my name, email, turn-ons, etc. All is fine and dandy until I realize that this sheet has a back side. What I was presented with was LITERALLY a Pop Quiz (PUN EXTREMELY INTENDED)of VERY SPECIFIC pop questions! Right there, I knew I'd been beat. However, I did not let it get me down. What follows is the actual quiz and yes, my actual answers. What you are about to see is totally real and totally unscripted.

1) Who originally recorded Kelly Clarkson’s “I Don’t Hook Up?”

Bing Crosby, but he was lying.

2) Who recently resigned with Island Def Jam records?

Hammer…just sounds like something he’d do.

3) Who discovered and signed Panic at the Disco?

Trick question…that's not a real band.

4) Who’s real name is Alicia Moore?

Alicia Keys. NEXT!

5) What group was Fergie in before joining the Black Eyed Peas?

Wings.

6) Name three artists Timbaland has worked with.

I know he is planning on working with the Jonas Brothers, so I choose to count them as three separate artists.

7) Who are the Fugees?

Mickey Dolenz, Peter Tork, Mike Nesmith, and Davy Jones.

8) Name three members of the Wu Tang Clan.
No.

9) What is the name of Eminem’s crew, and what does the name mean?

The Junkyard gang, it’s a Fat Albert reference.

10) Who founded Cash Money Records?

Eddie Money. Definitely.

Yes, this fine display of intelligence is in a casting director's folder somewhere, or much more likely, in the trash bin under the desk in that audition room.

Revelations from Remastered Beatles CDs

For twenty years, Beatles fans have been stuck with the same low-fi, liner-note-less, wrong mixes-using CDs to deal with. Yeah after year, the promise of a catalog upgrade would come and go, leaving those of us who revel in fine audio quality to seek out old vinyl pressings or bootleg needle-drops. In almost all cases, these alternate sources blew the CDs away.

However, on September 9, 2009 - that all changes. The entire Beatles catalog is getting the upgrade it so richly deserves. And let me tell you, the results are stunning. That's right, I'm one of the few select individuals who has heard these disks ahead of time, and the difference is night and day. The sound is so clear, it's like you're right there in the studio with the Fab Four. Of course, sometimes these sort of remasterings can be too honest.

Here are some revelations that have been buried in those master tapes for years, but are only now audible:

- During “Honey Pie” you can actually hear John’s eyes rolling.

- From the White Album through to Let It Be, the entire atmosphere sounds “Japanese-ier”.

- Upon further listen, it is revealed that Revolver was recorded entirely backwards. Played forwards, its crap.

- The guy chanting “number 9…number 9…” is Wilford Brimley.

- Most of George Harrison’s songs are unintentionally plagiarized Chiffons songs.

- Between Please Please Me and With the Beatles, their outfits sound way more expensive.

- Ringo’s drumming is way better on “Back In the USSR” and “Dear Prudence”…for some reason.

- On the post-1966 recordings, Paul sounds dead-er.

- On “I Feel Fine”, John sounds surprisingly agitated.

- Due to strict FCC guidelines, A Hard Day’s Night was only recorded from the waist up.

- At the fade-out of the Abbey Road final medley, you can hear Paul say “suckers, the love you take has little-to-no bearing on the love you make.”

- On “Yesterday”, you can hear John, George, and Ringo doing Sudoku in the corner.

- In the first few bars of "Across the Universe", Lennon can be heard uttering "I hope someone turns this song into a shitty movie one day!"

- Those chants at the end of “I Am the Walrus” are all the same guy.

- During “The Ballad of John and Yoko” you can actually hear Paul McCartney’s eyes rolling.

- During the harmonies on “Because”, you can hear Paul and John flicking each other off.

- Side 1 of Sgt. Pepper is actually the Monkees.

- On “All You Need Is Love”, you can hear Lennon counting money.

- The four original songs on the Yellow Submarine soundtrack were recorded over the phone.

- “I Me Mine” was actually recorded with lawyers present.

- Three minutes into "I Want You (She's So Heavy)", Ringo can clearly be heard taking a nap, but wakes up well refreshed for the final four minutes of the song.

- During “Within You Without You” you can actually hear John, Paul, and Ringo’s eyes rolling.

- Though they were not needed on the recording, John, George, and Ringo can be heard in the booth during “Blackbird”, just because Paul wanted them to watch.

- During the second orchestral climax in “A Day in the Life”, you can hear a British cellist’s head explode.

- At the end of “Strawberry Fields Forever”, John is definitely saying “cranberry sauce”, but while he’s saying it, he’s burying Paul.

- Ringo sounds really naked during most of Rubber Soul.

- During all of Magical Mystery Tour, you can hear George Martin’s eyes rolling.