Guy Named Dow Jones Tired of Lousy Publicity

The effects of the American economy’s recent collapse have had far reaching consequences. From Wall Street to Main Street, everyone has felt the heat of this financial disaster. However, the problem is felt greatest in the small town of Danbury, Connecticut, where local man Dowland “Dow” Jones has lived his entire life. Since the recent financial collapse, Jones has been “sick and tired of all the papers saying bad stuff about [him]”.
A lifetime pottery salesman, Jones cannot even eat his morning Apple Zings cereal without being insulted by the daily post. “It’s just a lousy way to start your day,” states Jones, who has low self-esteem to begin with. “No one ever talks about all the good stuff about the Dow Jones, but the bad stuff gets magnified like a bajillion times. It’s less than pleasant for me.” Ever since he was a young man, Dowland has lived a peaceful life, receiving a public school education and three years of pottery salesman training at the University of Connecticut Schools. He remains unmarried and lives with his dog, Ruffems, who normally would console his master in times of trial, but sadly not so now.
“It’s everywhere – the news, PBS, even the local morning comic strip makes some unflattering reference to me on a daily basis,” laments Jones. “My father always said I’d bring the nation to its worst recession since the Great Depression, but I thought he was being symbolic.”
Local thugs and previously friendly neighbors have been sending Jones more hate mail and death threats than usual. Even Jones’s eHarmony.com profile and craigslist “casual encounter” listings has been receiving several fewer responses as of late. However, is Dowland Jones really to blame here? “Probably not,” states local thug Jimmy “Cheez-Its” Romirez, “but it’s just easier this way.”
Though it is easy to blame the recession for Jones’s recent woes, it should be noted that he was not all that well liked prior.

The Mike Hadge Trio - Jesuit

Okay, for serious. If I had one band to bring with me to a desert island, it would definitely be the Mike Hadge Trio. Their tunes are just the rootin-tootin'est, and they seem like they'd be cool to hang out with in a desert island setting. Plus, if we run out of food, and need to turn to caniballism, I know they'd be totally cool with letting me eat them. That just seems like how they roll. Anyway, their latest tune has just dropped, "Jesuit". It speaks to me and if it thinks you're cool enough, it might speak to you too!

Dear establishment, take THAT!

Subway platform ad vandalism is, in my opinion, one of the top art forms of this or any time. To be able to look at any advertisement and know exactly where a well placed Hitler mustache, blacked out tooth, or penis is appropriate takes a skill that Van Gough would have sold his other ear for. However, as with any art, there are beginners out there who don't quite...get it, abusing the privilege that comes with owning a black sharpie and carrying it around with you at all times. A prime example came today, as I traveled on the Subway from 96th street. At said station, there was an advertisement for the Showtime network's fine gaggle of original programming, including spots for "Californication", "Weeds", "The Tudors" and "Dexter". However, where "Weeds" was written, with white lettering over a black background, some two-bit ad vandalist had blacked out the "S", having it read simply "Weed". Now, if there's one way to stick it to society, it's the use of singular tense where plural tense was otherwise intended? I guess? The worst part was that the vandalist simply stopped there. He didn't draw a mustache on Mary-Louis parker, or black out David Duchovney's teeth, or draw a penis next to the mouth of the guy from The Tudors. Nothing. He was that proud and content with his singularization of the term Weeds, that he could just pack up that black sharpie and move on, telling his friends of his S-blacking out escapades along the way. I, as a subway-riding member of society, feel burnt by this young man, but probably not for the reason he intended.

The Mike Hadge Trio - Dayum Sarah Palin, You Fine

OMG guys, I just discovered this great new band! I don't think anyone's heard of them, so they're okay to listen to. I just saw them at a club downtown and it was like I was being painted with the insecurities of my own psyche. But then again, I've always had issues. Anyway, here's their latest tiz-une. Enjoy it and send it to all your friends! All your cool friends, anyway! Wow, these guys are so real!

Groovin'

I’ve been in a rut. You know the type – you wake up in the morning and the only thing that’s getting you excited is the prospect of a new Family Circus comic strip in the daily gazette. Searching for a new job and preparing for some large changes in life, I’ve just been relatively stuck in a constant state of bleh. As anyone who has experienced a similar state is well aware, recovering from such a lack of groove, as it were, is no easy task. Sometimes, a hobby is the key. After attempts at taking up knitting, ping-pong, and Lamaze, I realized this was not one of those times. I needed something stronger.

As often is the solution, I turned to the television to provide me with short term, and perhaps life altering, answers to all of life’s questions. As soon as I press Power, I discover that no flipping, nor channel surfing, will be necessary this eve. Like God saying “here you go, buuuddddyyyyyy”, How Stella Got Her Groove Back was showing on TBS. At last, here’s a film that truly captures where I’m at right now. Like Stella, I too have somehow lost my groove, and would like ever so much to retrieve it. A more relatable character I was not likely to find, despite the fact that she’s a black career woman in her forties. Technicalities aside, Stella’s mirrors to my own life would surely help me climb out of this put of mediocrity.

Unfortunately, a quick glance at the program listing revealed that How Stella Got Her Groove Back was in fact twenty minutes away from being over. Surely, a just comparison of Stella’s demeanor pre-groove verses post-groove was long out of the question. Now, How Stella Got Her Groove Back is not one of those films you can just jump into. Clearly, the groove-loss-and-recovery arc is the focal point of the whole story, and if any piece is missed, you may as well have stayed home, Sally. However, I did my very best to get what I could out of this point in Stella’s journey, my tardiness to the party aside.

At the point I entered the film, Stella was dating a much younger Jamaican guy named Winston. Longtime fans of the film will know how their relationship came to be, and if in fact he was the harbinger of Stella’s groove. I only assumed this to be the case, but the onscreen Stella did not appear to be groove-ful in any way. I’m not sure if this was a script problem, or if the blame should be placed on the actress, whom I am too lazy to look up the name of on IMDB. Either way, I left my mind open to the possibility that the groove-rereceiving scene had yet to arrive. In the remaining twenty minutes, Winston bought Stella a lot of stuff, she got a promotion, and then Winston proposed to her. Any viewer would have expected these events to be thrust upon an individual who very much had a groove, but as I stated, I remained unsure. Now for those who have not viewed How Stella Got Her Groove Back, and plan to do so in the future, I must warn that the rest of this piece will be spoiler heavy.

At the point of Winston’s proposal, Stella states that her heart says yes but she’s going to have to think about it. Winston seems okay with this. Now, the fact that Winston proposed would again imply that Stella has a groove, as I can’t imagine the much younger man would want to marry a middle-aged woman sans groove. Then again, I’d have to ask the screenwriter, who I am also too lazy to IMDB. Anyway, after the commercial break, Winston seemed very suddenly frustrated by Stella’s indecision. They proceed to have a minor spat, and the next day Winston announces he’ll be leaving for home, which I imagine was Jamaica, the next morning. Stella seems concerned about this, but still, not that affected either way. The next morning, Winston gets in a cab, arrives at the airport, and finds Stella there waiting, and she says “Yes” to his proposal. Fade to black (sort of).Cut to credits. If Stella hadn’t gotten her groove back up to that point in the film, I imagine the airport scene was where she got her groove back. Pardon this viewer if he feels a bit cheated. As someone looking to get their own groove back, this film’s answer seems to be seduce a younger Jamaican man, get him to buy me a ton of stuff, have him propose, not give him an answer, then give him an answer in an airport without any discernable scene that explains my change of heart.

Ultimately, the film is hardly the groove-getting-back tutorial that it claims to be at the outset. Regardless, how Stella got her groove back remains a mystery to me. I guess I asked for it, tuning in to the film eighty percent into its running time. Still, I can’t help but feel mildly disappointed. My rut continues, and I’ve wasted twenty minutes of my life, not to mention the ensuing seven minutes it took to write all this up. I expected a film that gave me some guidance, some direction! I don’t think that was too much to ask.

Luckily, Diary of a Mad Black Woman was on next.

Unfinished Poem #13

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I smell cheese

Kickin' It Big: A Chat with Full-Figured Starlet Vicky Harbasham

From Teenie Beans Magazine

Hollywood is full of thin, toned bodies, and frankly it can get a little dull. Models, movie stars, and musicians are all presenting an image of emaciated, skinny bodies that can be near impossible to maintain. It sets an unrealistic standard for America’s youth, and gets the wrong message across. Luckily, there are a few in Beverly Hills who have burst through the mold and onto the scene with a more reasonable image.

Vicky Harbasham, 22, star of movie musical Dippity Doo, may not be as thin as the billboard models out there, but sister, don’t think she’s ever let it get her down. Indeed, Harbasham is the first in a new wave of full-figured starlets hoping to set the example for young girls all over America. “I was always self conscious about my body shape, but now I realize it’s just part of who I am! I can totally accept it!” Rock on, girlfriend!

A newcomer to the scene, Harbasham was an outcast in school until she discovered theater, where all the weird kids could go to alienate the rest of society. Since childhood, Vicky has always dreamed of being a Broadway star, but felt her unique body shape would prevent her from making it in the theater. “It did” states Harbasham.

Naturally, there have been plenty of full figured performers throughout the history of cinema; Queen Latifah, Kathy Bates, that woman in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, John Goodman. But with the release of Dippity Doo, which raked in a rockingly respectable twenty-three million dollars on opening weekend, Harbasham is giving a whole new meaning to big screen. She acts, she sings, and you’d never guess from her full-figured frame but “I’m a dancer! I step-touch with Doritos.”

But what’s her secret? We sat down with Harbasham at her Beverly Hills home-slash-cookie factory, to discuss how she approaches life as a full-figured superstar. “Well, the secret is to just stay healthy in your own way”, she begins, “exercise is very important. I try to work out every day, and I typically incorporate Nutella somehow.” Saying this gave the super starlet a craving for Nutella, so we took the interview to the kitchen.

“Every morning I get up to take a two mile walk. I wish it weren’t that long, but there isn’t a closer Taco Bell. I usually have my mom come and pick me up, as by that point I’m too full of toquitos.” Harbasham then goes on to mention sit ups, pushups, and yoga as words she enjoys saying. “People need to be happy with who they are! I could probably get on a track and run races with thin girls any day of the week.” This was untrue.

While making up a regimen of ways to stay active, Harbasham reminds us of an important fact: eating is an activity. A strict healthy diet keeps Harbasham fit and full-figured, but she believes its’ okay to bend the rules every once in a while.

Wanna eat fried chicken? Harbasham says go for it, girl! Of course, you must incorporate a nutritious diet and healthy lifestyle as well. “A balanced meal is tres importante!” she states. “Be sure to include whole grains, veggies, plenty of cheeses, copious bacon-based products, ribs, and ice cream cake in every meal!”

A healthy full figured lifestyle also means keeping up your hygiene, ladies! Harbasham reminds us to brush and floss twice a day, sighting Twizzlers as her favorite brand of floss. “Diet Coke makes a fantastic mouthwash, just make sure its diet, girlfriend!” While showering, remember to scrub your entire body three times to really get the dirt off from a long day of keeping it real.
"You’ll find that pork lard packs the tangy zing that normal bar soap simply lacks.”

Keeping your skin soft and healthy is also a top priority in Harbasham’s bathroom routine. “I strongly recommend honey glaze,” explains Harbasham. “If you reek of ham for the rest of the day, that’s just part of who you are girl!” Saying this made Harbasham crave some honey glaze, so we took the interview to the bathroom.

Though she’s a little against the grain, Harbasham thrives on her unique place in the world. After all, being full-figured is way different than being fat, way way different. “Different body shapes make the world go round, people just need to be happy the way they are!” Harbasham preaches, setting a fine example for young girls everywhere. Indeed, Harbasham’s full-figured star is one that is unlikely to stop shining anytime soon, and who knows what the future holds. (It turned out to be cake)