January 13, 2005
A tender smile. An innocent laugh. A new coat of wax. These are some things that some children never have growing up, especially if these children are robots. Every day, young robot children like 7F02 and 89-41S here grow rusty, old, and low on battery power. For only $24 a day, you can give these robot children the ray of hope they’ve sorely needed. In 1996, evil supervillain Doctor Bizarro built a massive army of robot children, only to pass away from a liver disorder two months later, leaving these orphaned robot children alone and without a purpose. For only $24 a day, you will receive a monthly postcard from your robot child, and a matching 5 x 7 photograph, suitable for framing. Show them a proper family. With your help, these robots will finally get the kind of nurturing that can only come from a bi-monthly oiling, and for only $24 a day - that’s less than you would spend if you bought a car every day! Remember, robots are more expensive than regular children. They need to be oiled. So please, won’t you please do your part, and together we can bring these robot children some human happiness.
___________________________________________
January 17, 2005
Robot children! Robot children! Robot children! If there’s one thing that human children want, it’s robot children! Low on real friends? A robot child is the ideal solution for your socially awkward son or daughter, providing almost lifelike companionship for hours on end. You see, unlike real children, robot children will never find themselves too cool to hang out with your child. On the contrary, your brand new robot child will fit into your home environment perfectly, even offering to take care of the chores every now and then. And of course, your robot child will never malfunction and try to kill you. All this for two thousand easy payments of twenty four dollars a day! Twenty four dollars, that’s way less than if you had to bail yourself out of jail every day! Your very own robot child will be a symbol of love and affection in your life. Perfect for infertile mothers, the dad on the go, or supervillains attempting to build their own massive robot child army!
____________________________________________________________
January 19, 2005
They’ve gone too far, oh sweet Jesus the carnage! It happened only about an hour ago, all the robots started making this high pitched buzzing noise and then…oh god I don’t even know. We’ve consulted the outside for help, but we think it was just the robot children on the other line, doing their very best impression of a 911 operator. Damn, they’re too smart. We built them too smart! Gary, Gary no! You bastards! You’ve killed him! Oh, sweet Jesus! Please, only you can help! The only way to truly destroy these killer robot children is to purchase a robot child destroying cathode ray. Now these are quite expensive, so we need your help! For only about $24 a day, you can contribute to keep everyone here from…OH CHRIST! THE HUMANITY!...uh, from the robot children. That should give us just enough! HOLY SHIT! That’s right, you can help! Act now, and we’ll throw in one, no, two of the robot children at no extra charge. That’s right! Your own robot child, a $24 a day value! And this one won’t maim and kill you, because…well, it just won’t! OH GOD! Call now, operators are standing by. Please, dear lord, please!
The Robot Children's Foundation went under on January 20, 2005.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Harry Potter and the Lost Spells of Hadge
Here are a few incantations that for one reason or another, Hogwarts left out of their curriculum.
Descendo Stockmarkum – Little known spell that causes the stock market to crash.
Contacto Domino – Orders your enemy twenty-seven anchovy pizzas from Domino’s that they will totally have to pay for. It’ll be awesome.
Motorus Uncoordinato - Makes it so that everytime a driver is unlocking a passenger side car door for your enemy, they try to lift the handle at that exact moment of the attempted unlocking, thus keeping the door locked and leading to several more vain attempts to open the car door. It gets really annoying after awhile.
Elongo Titanico – Increases the running time of the film Titanic by an hour and thirty-five minutes. Nobody really ever uses this one.
Gottfriedo – Spell that causes your enemy to sound like comedian Gilbert Gottfried. There is no known counter spell.
Collectus Dialus – Bewitches your enemy into making collect calls to everyone they know, thus pissing them off royally.
Reducto Testicli – Used to bring fiercest of enemies “down a notch”. They never see it coming.
Cosbify – Causes your enemy to think their Bill Cosby-impression is hilarious, and to break it out at wildly inappropriate moments.
You Got Servedium! – Serves your enemy without the tiresome procedure of a break dancing competition.
Rectium Verbosa – Causes your enemy’s anus to start talking in a Russian accent. It’s actually pretty funny.
Drugifirus Speedofus - Plants a baggie of cocaine in your enemy’s glove compartment, then bewitches them into driving over the speed limit the next time they motor their vehicle, getting themselves pulled over by a state trooper, who then discovers the stash when your enemy reaches for their license and registration. A bit long winded, but effective.
Impotencia – Blocks your enemy from being able to get it up.
Smashmouthus Infinitum – Causes your enemy to have “All Star” by Smash Mouth stuck in their head indefinitely.
Lifto Douchebagiti – Permanently pops your opposition’s collar indefinitely, causing their peers to go “Pfft, what a tool. Can you believe that guy?”
Retardos – Does probably what you think.
Tivotum Scrubsotus – Tivo’s Scrubs for later viewing.
Tivotum Jhericotus – “ Jherico “ “ “
Impregno – Plants a seed in your enemy, male or female, that grows up to be a real pain in the ass.
Silencio Protencia – Quiets down anyone who is giving a heavy-handed, pretentious speech about their views. This comes in handy if one is visiting a liberal arts college.
Minoritos – Causes your enemy to have the racial tolerance of a seventy-eight year old Alabama veteran.
Circumcizum – Take a wild guess.
Tim Allencantatum – Causes your enemy to make a string of really shitty Disney movies.
Reducto Bladdium – Causes your enemy to have to run to the john every three minutes.
Erecto Patronum – Basically serves as the magical equivalent of Viagra. Also, keeps Dementors away. Counter jinx to Impotencia.
Hepititus Totalus – self explanatory.
AIDS! – Ditto.
Descendo Stockmarkum – Little known spell that causes the stock market to crash.
Contacto Domino – Orders your enemy twenty-seven anchovy pizzas from Domino’s that they will totally have to pay for. It’ll be awesome.
Motorus Uncoordinato - Makes it so that everytime a driver is unlocking a passenger side car door for your enemy, they try to lift the handle at that exact moment of the attempted unlocking, thus keeping the door locked and leading to several more vain attempts to open the car door. It gets really annoying after awhile.
Elongo Titanico – Increases the running time of the film Titanic by an hour and thirty-five minutes. Nobody really ever uses this one.
Gottfriedo – Spell that causes your enemy to sound like comedian Gilbert Gottfried. There is no known counter spell.
Collectus Dialus – Bewitches your enemy into making collect calls to everyone they know, thus pissing them off royally.
Reducto Testicli – Used to bring fiercest of enemies “down a notch”. They never see it coming.
Cosbify – Causes your enemy to think their Bill Cosby-impression is hilarious, and to break it out at wildly inappropriate moments.
You Got Servedium! – Serves your enemy without the tiresome procedure of a break dancing competition.
Rectium Verbosa – Causes your enemy’s anus to start talking in a Russian accent. It’s actually pretty funny.
Drugifirus Speedofus - Plants a baggie of cocaine in your enemy’s glove compartment, then bewitches them into driving over the speed limit the next time they motor their vehicle, getting themselves pulled over by a state trooper, who then discovers the stash when your enemy reaches for their license and registration. A bit long winded, but effective.
Impotencia – Blocks your enemy from being able to get it up.
Smashmouthus Infinitum – Causes your enemy to have “All Star” by Smash Mouth stuck in their head indefinitely.
Lifto Douchebagiti – Permanently pops your opposition’s collar indefinitely, causing their peers to go “Pfft, what a tool. Can you believe that guy?”
Retardos – Does probably what you think.
Tivotum Scrubsotus – Tivo’s Scrubs for later viewing.
Tivotum Jhericotus – “ Jherico “ “ “
Impregno – Plants a seed in your enemy, male or female, that grows up to be a real pain in the ass.
Silencio Protencia – Quiets down anyone who is giving a heavy-handed, pretentious speech about their views. This comes in handy if one is visiting a liberal arts college.
Minoritos – Causes your enemy to have the racial tolerance of a seventy-eight year old Alabama veteran.
Circumcizum – Take a wild guess.
Tim Allencantatum – Causes your enemy to make a string of really shitty Disney movies.
Reducto Bladdium – Causes your enemy to have to run to the john every three minutes.
Erecto Patronum – Basically serves as the magical equivalent of Viagra. Also, keeps Dementors away. Counter jinx to Impotencia.
Hepititus Totalus – self explanatory.
AIDS! – Ditto.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Updated Resumes, Employment, and Other "Real Life" Things
The search for a job can be long and hard, often driving the unemployed to depression, madness, or religion. However, we must remain steadfast in our search and often adjust to the ever-changing needs for different services in the early twenty-first century. We must remember; there are jobs out there, we simply must be willing to seek them out and make our own alterations to meet their requirements. The most important aspect of all of this, of course, is adjusting one’s resume to the job applied for. I recently have discovered this, and present to you some examples of the resume’s I’ve sent out, beginning with my original resume that has, thus far, gotten me nowhere. Sure, my initial goal was to work in the entertainment industry, but as of now, I’ve received no bites from the shallow sea of show business. However, I have learned my lesson, and broadened my fields, as demonstrated by my newer, more refined and yes, more potentially successful resumes. Take a look…
1.
Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555
OBJECTIVE: To obtain employment in the entertainment industry.
EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3
EXPERIENCE:
Sesame Street New York, NY
Post-Production Intern 1/2007-5/2007
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart New York, NY
Production Intern 1/2006-5/2006
Assisted on field shoots and in writers’ meetings
Booked and dealt with audience members
Performed any task to help the show run smoothly
filing, faxing, various organizational work
Fordham Comedy Magazine The Paper Bronx, NY
Writer 9/2004 -
Fordham Sketch Comedy Troupe “Free Pizza” Bronx, NY
Founder/Director/Writer 9/2006 -
Put on several original sketch shows to college crowds
Selected for Upright Citizen’s Brigade’s SPANK sketch showcase, performed at their Manhattan theater
Fordham Experimental Theater Bronx, NY
Writer/Performer/Director/Producer 9/2003-
Co-director of Fordham Improv Comedy Troupe
Wrote and directed comedy Nazareth High for successful four night run
Wrote and directed Fordham: The Musical for successful four night run.
Paris Cabaret Starline Room Stoughton, MA
Writer/Waiter/Performer 6/2004-8/2005
Responsible for energizing and interacting with audience
Required to multitask quite
SPECIAL SKILLS:
Received awards for two self directed films in 2003 Easton Film Festival
Run own blog – sunnysideofgoodtaste.blogspot.com
Proficient at Microsoft Word, Excel, Power Point
Selected for “Lord of the Manor” speaker position at pre-graduation ceremonies in May 2007.
2.
Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555
OBJECTIVE: To become a gourmet chef at Rodrigo’s Authentic Italian Eatery.
EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3
EXPERIENCE:
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches Easton, MA
Have made it really good 4/1996- 7/2007
Sometimes with tomato
Watched Emiril New York, NY
Occasional Viewer 1/2006-5/2006
Saw an episode where he made a casserole
Know that “Kick It Up a Notch!” and “BAM!” are his catchphrases
Saw another episode where he made some sort of sauce
TiVo’d last night’s episode and will watch it
Toast Bronx, NY
I’ve made toast before 9/2004 -
It was good, not too burnt
Utilized butter and/or peanut butter on finished product
Microwave Celeste Pizza Easton, MA
Cooker of It 9/1998 –
Followed directions on back of box to perfection
Attempted to cook it in toaster oven
Attempt unsuccessful
Microwavable Bagel Bites Bronx, NY
Preparer/Director/De-froster 9/2003-
Prepared pizza in the morning
Pizza in the evening
Pizza at suppertime
When pizza’s on a bagel, I could eat pizza anytime
Saw Like Water For Chocolate Stoughton, MA
Well, half of it 6/2005-6/2005
It had subtitles
So, required to multitask
Food in the title
SPECIAL SKILLS:
Keep Food Network on in background while I do other things
Eating three meals a day, plus various snacks
Hate Rachel Ray, but tolerate her
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point
3.
Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555
OBJECTIVE: To become Senior Visual Designer for Sullivan Architecture Inc.
EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3
EXPERIENCE:
Sandcastles Cape Cod, MA
Builder/Creative Consultant 4/1985- 6/2007
Responsible for the successful raising of no less than twenty-four exemplary sandcastles
Twelve of said sandcastles did not collapse at the pressure of high tide
Each housed at least three twig-people
Personal Tree Fort Easton, MA
Planner/Designer/Supervisor 2/1988 – 4/1988
Created projective blue prints for Deluxe Super Secret Tree Fort on construction paper in purple crayon
Died at preproduction due to lack of sufficient funds and man power
Popsicle Stick House Easton, MA
Exterior/Interior Designer 5/1990 – 6/1990
Successfully conceived popsicle stick dream house
Began construction utilizing popsicle sticks, Scotch tape, and Elmer’s Glue
Abandoned project midway due to lack of attention span
This Old House Easton, MA
Heard of it 6/1984 -
And I know its about designing and building homes
Right?
“Our House” by CSNY New York, NY
Know the words 11/2003 –
I know most of the words
It’s on my iPod
Also possess knowledge of what CSNY stands for
“Our House” by Madness Bronx, NY
Know how it goes 9/2003-
I’m humming the tune right now
It’s also on my iPod
SPECIAL SKILLS:
Can draw Spongebob Squarepants with decent accuracy
Can trace the white house from an old Social Studies text book
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point
Have lived in numerous architectural structures
4.
Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555
OBJECTIVE: To become a litigation consulting accountant manager for J&C Paralegal.
EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3
EXPERIENCE:
N/A Easton, MA
6/1984 –
SPECIAL SKILLS:
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Resignation
It brings me great sorrow and heartbreak to resign this day from the facebook group, “Teach For America”. Truly, my heart had never been in it from day one, as I joined the group blindly because a girl I kind of liked invited me. I am truly sorry for my inexcusable deception. However, the truth is, I would make a terrible teacher, and I don’t even particularly support teachers or education, so my mere presence in this group was completely, utterly in vain. Apologies to anyone who has been affected by this faux pas.
Also, I regret to say that I have also removed myself from the “Human Being Group” on facebook, as I feel it’s simply too accepting. If I am going to be part of a group or club, I prefer it to exclude at least some type of denomination as to boost my fragile ego. The “Human Being Group” also lacked any real organization, and failed on its initial promises of prosperity for the human race. Instead, the group merely provided inane wall postings and a few google image photos of Chuck Norris.
While we’re on the topic, I would like to take this time to announce my departure from “The Christian Bale Appreciation Club”. Sure, I think Christian Bale’s alright, really gave the Batman franchise a refreshing kick in the pants, but I don’t appreciate him so much as to belong to a group dedicated to his body of work. My heart simply was not in it during my tenure, and for the past three years I honestly forgot that I had ever been a member.
I’m also quite disturbed and saddened to announce that I will no longer consider myself a member of “That’s SO Andrew Kingsley!” I don’t know Andrew Kingsley, I’m not facebook friends with Andrew Kingsley, and I’ve barely ever heard of Andrew Kingsley. However, judging from the pictures of drunken escapades on the group page, including several of the young man mugging for the camera with a solo cup in one hand and at least one popped collar, I can safely assume that Andrew Kingsley does not merit his own group, let alone my membership in said own group. While he looks like he’s a hit at frat parties, Andrew Kingsley sadly falters in the facebook group department. My membership from day one was a complete and utter charade, and I do apologize to the deceived.
It also pains me greatly to inform you that I will be cutting ties with the group, “Facebook Members For the Kyoto Protocol in the United States”. Amongst my reasons for leaving are I do not often visit the group page, and I don’t know WTF this is! My gut instinct is that I was invited by one of my outspoken, hippie facebook friends and its to support some lame thing like genocide in another country that a damn facebook group full of privileged white college kids won’t be able to do a damn thing about anyway. Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Am I going to hell (again)?
Also, since I have your attention, and I assume that I do, I would like to tender my resignation from the group “If This Group Reaches 250,000, My Girlfriend Will Have A Threesome With Me!” Look, I’m all for helping my fellow man get laid, but this is taking it all a bit too far, in my humble opinion. While I see that the group is currently at 549 members, there appears to be little chance of this anonymous individual receiving his hypothetical orgy as it is. However, I’m afraid that total shall now be 548, as I feel I can no longer support this dying cause. Besides, the group administrator should learn that there are other ways to get close to your romantic partner other than hoping she’ll lose a bet over a facebook group. Or at least make the number more realistic next time.
While we’re at it, I’m also reporting my resignation from the group “We Remember 90s Nickelodeon!” The wave of quirky retro nostalgia, I fear, has passed, and truly, no one came out the better for it. Also, I regret to announce my departure from the facebook group, “Kerry/Edwards in ‘04”. It’s just good housekeeping.
Finally, I’m leaving the group “Fordham Praise and Worship”. For perhaps it is fitting that I deleted each bi-daily group message which announced the next prayer session or special mass before ever reading them. My heart was truly never in this group, as, I admit freely, I thought they were kidding. For this, I am truly sorry. If Jesus was on facebook, surely he would de-friend me.
Life has truly taken me in different directions in the most recent months, and I must adjust accordingly. Apologies to all involved, and I do hope we meet again in less pointless circumstances. I would, while I have your attention, like to announce my newest facebook group, “Enough With All These Facebook Groups!!!”, has just opened up. Once you join, there’s no way out.
Also, I regret to say that I have also removed myself from the “Human Being Group” on facebook, as I feel it’s simply too accepting. If I am going to be part of a group or club, I prefer it to exclude at least some type of denomination as to boost my fragile ego. The “Human Being Group” also lacked any real organization, and failed on its initial promises of prosperity for the human race. Instead, the group merely provided inane wall postings and a few google image photos of Chuck Norris.
While we’re on the topic, I would like to take this time to announce my departure from “The Christian Bale Appreciation Club”. Sure, I think Christian Bale’s alright, really gave the Batman franchise a refreshing kick in the pants, but I don’t appreciate him so much as to belong to a group dedicated to his body of work. My heart simply was not in it during my tenure, and for the past three years I honestly forgot that I had ever been a member.
I’m also quite disturbed and saddened to announce that I will no longer consider myself a member of “That’s SO Andrew Kingsley!” I don’t know Andrew Kingsley, I’m not facebook friends with Andrew Kingsley, and I’ve barely ever heard of Andrew Kingsley. However, judging from the pictures of drunken escapades on the group page, including several of the young man mugging for the camera with a solo cup in one hand and at least one popped collar, I can safely assume that Andrew Kingsley does not merit his own group, let alone my membership in said own group. While he looks like he’s a hit at frat parties, Andrew Kingsley sadly falters in the facebook group department. My membership from day one was a complete and utter charade, and I do apologize to the deceived.
It also pains me greatly to inform you that I will be cutting ties with the group, “Facebook Members For the Kyoto Protocol in the United States”. Amongst my reasons for leaving are I do not often visit the group page, and I don’t know WTF this is! My gut instinct is that I was invited by one of my outspoken, hippie facebook friends and its to support some lame thing like genocide in another country that a damn facebook group full of privileged white college kids won’t be able to do a damn thing about anyway. Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Am I going to hell (again)?
Also, since I have your attention, and I assume that I do, I would like to tender my resignation from the group “If This Group Reaches 250,000, My Girlfriend Will Have A Threesome With Me!” Look, I’m all for helping my fellow man get laid, but this is taking it all a bit too far, in my humble opinion. While I see that the group is currently at 549 members, there appears to be little chance of this anonymous individual receiving his hypothetical orgy as it is. However, I’m afraid that total shall now be 548, as I feel I can no longer support this dying cause. Besides, the group administrator should learn that there are other ways to get close to your romantic partner other than hoping she’ll lose a bet over a facebook group. Or at least make the number more realistic next time.
While we’re at it, I’m also reporting my resignation from the group “We Remember 90s Nickelodeon!” The wave of quirky retro nostalgia, I fear, has passed, and truly, no one came out the better for it. Also, I regret to announce my departure from the facebook group, “Kerry/Edwards in ‘04”. It’s just good housekeeping.
Finally, I’m leaving the group “Fordham Praise and Worship”. For perhaps it is fitting that I deleted each bi-daily group message which announced the next prayer session or special mass before ever reading them. My heart was truly never in this group, as, I admit freely, I thought they were kidding. For this, I am truly sorry. If Jesus was on facebook, surely he would de-friend me.
Life has truly taken me in different directions in the most recent months, and I must adjust accordingly. Apologies to all involved, and I do hope we meet again in less pointless circumstances. I would, while I have your attention, like to announce my newest facebook group, “Enough With All These Facebook Groups!!!”, has just opened up. Once you join, there’s no way out.
Wheels Of Fire
It was chilly for an evening in early July, but somehow that didn’t make a difference. Everyone was still out under the tent, drinking beer and eating steak tips smothered in the most succulent sauces anyone could have realistically expected. Since I had changed into jeans hours before, I was moderately comfortable, and the candles intended to keep away mosquitoes helped warm my outsides. It was a mixed crowd for the graduation party, or I should say, joint graduation party, as Jack and three of his cousins had all just graduated from one form of education or another. Naturally, Jack was off perusing the atmosphere, appeasing distant relatives and college friends. I fell into neither category, as Jack and I had grown up together. Through the years we always found something in common, though it was usually music. The only bands either of us had ever played in included the other – Jack on keyboards and myself on guitar. It was always difficult to find a bassist and drummer, but the ones we had found were there that night as well. The Thrasher brothers, Gil and Derek, were high school acquaintances of ours who had turned into the townies everyone predicted they would be. The former worked for various auto repair shops in the area, while the latter made a habit of getting fired from local restaurant chains. We had all begun catching up, as it had been no less than four years since we’d last spoken.
“Yeah, life’s pretty good” stated Derek, “But I mean, I guess I have the new bike to thank for that.”
“Oh?” I replied.
“Oh yeah, we both just got new motorcycles” chimed in Gil “I’m telling you, they’re great, you feel like you’re flying even if you’re just going thirty!”
“My commute to work used to be hell, but with this bike, I can zip through traffic and make it home in like ten minutes. It’s great!” added Derek.
“I’ll just ride it up and down the block for fun, it just has made my life more enjoyable in so many ways. Sounds crazy I know, but man, its fun” said Gil.
I had not been known for my competitive nature, nor my constant need to outdo people, but that’s simply because I hid them well.
“Yeah, mine’s good too,” I said, smirking on the inside because I had in fact driven my mother’s minivan to the party that night, and never owned a motorcycle. Hell, I’d never owned a Huffy bike with more than ten speeds. However, I felt that luck was on my side that night.
“Oh, you have a bike?” asked Derek curiously. “What kind is it?”
“Harley Davidson” I replied after not a second, really just glad that I’ve heard of a motorcycle brand. Damn, I was on.
“Really? They’re pretty outrageous, I mean for both cost and just structure” claimed Gil.
“Yeah, well, I won it on The Price Is Right. Fell in love with it after, you know.” I responded, feeling I had dodged a potential bullet right there. However, I wanted to up the stakes for myself, I was feeling saucy. “I mean, it goes pretty fast – like 0 to 90 in like five seconds.” Hmmm, I might have overshot it. Nah.
The brothers laughed together, and I joined in as to not cause suspicion.
“You’re kidding right?” Derek asked, giving me a clear opening to get out of this outrageous lie.
“No” I said.
“Wow, that’s really amazing. I didn’t think anything outside of an airliner could get that kind of speed” claimed Gil.
“Well, this can. I mean I’m no expert, but I think the jetpacks on the side of it help” I said for some reason.
“Jetpacks on the side?” asked Gil.
“Yeah, I mean again, I’m no expert, but I would think that jetpacks would account for any added speed it gets. It can’t fly or anything though, they’re just for speed”. Smooth, I was kicking ass tonight.
After about an hour, the party had begun to break up, and most of the diverse crowd had gone their equally diverse ways. Derek, Gil, and I decided that our time had come to part as well.
“Well let’s go look at our bikes first, I’d really like to see yours.” said Derek.
“Um, alright, yeah, sure, I’d like to see what kind of ‘bike’ you guys have too.” I actually made quotation marks with my fingers.
We strolled across the street, the brothers and I, to the parking lot of an abandoned fire station. Jack lived on a busy street and had a very small driveway, so it was only natural that many utilized the fire station’s parking lot that night. It had grown darker and the fruit flies had gotten hungrier by this time, and I could see the motorcycles parked in their spaces…right next to my mother’s minivan. This was it, I thought, my lie could not be carried on any longer. Nevertheless, I remained cool and calm. Gil showed me his bike first; revving it up to demonstrate what I assumed was the engine’s power? I just nodded and said “oh yeah, you gotta have that” to every feature pointed out by the brothers about their motorcycles, though they might as well have been speaking Chinese. Finally, they asked where my bike was parked. The jig was pretty much up, I’d had my fun but now it was time to admit it – I’d never owned a motorcycle.
“Oh, it’s right here” I claimed, referring to the minivan next to me. Needless to say, I had them both dumbfounded.
“I thought you said you rode a bike here,” said Gil.
“Yeah, I did,” said I, referring again to my mother’s minivan. Derek and Gil just gave me a look that seemed to be a combination of anger, amusement, and pity. It was as though they were extremely jealous of my awesome ride.
“Whatever”, said Derek, as the boys got on their respective bikes and revved their respective engines. I in turn switched on my mother’s minivan, which chirped with awesomely gentle power. As we all prepared to leave, the brothers now ignoring me out of their jealousy, I rolled down the window (half way…it was child proof), gave them an intense stare, and presented a simple challenge…
“Drag race. Right now. Your bikes against mine. Let’s see what you boys got.” I wasn’t letting this one go. I saw the two brothers give each other defeated glances before Derek sighed and said, “Fine, whatever. Whoever makes it to the corner of Main and Depot Street wins.” They were totally afraid.
“You are so on!” I pumped my fist and rolled the window back up. I turned up my soft rock radio extra loud to get riled up for the big race. I could hear the brothers revving their engines, and I countered with turning up Fleetwood Mac even more. The race was on, the moment was approaching. They lined their bikes up to the edge of the parking lot, and we got Phil, another mutual friend, to signal when the race started. He had a whistle that he carried around for just such an occasion, and prepared to blow it once we were ready to go. I pulled my mother’s minivan up to the starting line, staring the opposition down through my tinted windows, though they probably couldn’t tell. Phil signaled for the race to begin.
Three…
Two…
One…
And they were off, the brothers sped off on their motorbikes like bats out of hell, zooming up past the Dunkin Donuts in the distance before even a few seconds had passed. Using the last trick in my bag, I pulled out of the parking lot and leisurely drove home. “Hehe, fools.” I chuckled to myself. “This wasn’t really a motorcycle…”
“Yeah, life’s pretty good” stated Derek, “But I mean, I guess I have the new bike to thank for that.”
“Oh?” I replied.
“Oh yeah, we both just got new motorcycles” chimed in Gil “I’m telling you, they’re great, you feel like you’re flying even if you’re just going thirty!”
“My commute to work used to be hell, but with this bike, I can zip through traffic and make it home in like ten minutes. It’s great!” added Derek.
“I’ll just ride it up and down the block for fun, it just has made my life more enjoyable in so many ways. Sounds crazy I know, but man, its fun” said Gil.
I had not been known for my competitive nature, nor my constant need to outdo people, but that’s simply because I hid them well.
“Yeah, mine’s good too,” I said, smirking on the inside because I had in fact driven my mother’s minivan to the party that night, and never owned a motorcycle. Hell, I’d never owned a Huffy bike with more than ten speeds. However, I felt that luck was on my side that night.
“Oh, you have a bike?” asked Derek curiously. “What kind is it?”
“Harley Davidson” I replied after not a second, really just glad that I’ve heard of a motorcycle brand. Damn, I was on.
“Really? They’re pretty outrageous, I mean for both cost and just structure” claimed Gil.
“Yeah, well, I won it on The Price Is Right. Fell in love with it after, you know.” I responded, feeling I had dodged a potential bullet right there. However, I wanted to up the stakes for myself, I was feeling saucy. “I mean, it goes pretty fast – like 0 to 90 in like five seconds.” Hmmm, I might have overshot it. Nah.
The brothers laughed together, and I joined in as to not cause suspicion.
“You’re kidding right?” Derek asked, giving me a clear opening to get out of this outrageous lie.
“No” I said.
“Wow, that’s really amazing. I didn’t think anything outside of an airliner could get that kind of speed” claimed Gil.
“Well, this can. I mean I’m no expert, but I think the jetpacks on the side of it help” I said for some reason.
“Jetpacks on the side?” asked Gil.
“Yeah, I mean again, I’m no expert, but I would think that jetpacks would account for any added speed it gets. It can’t fly or anything though, they’re just for speed”. Smooth, I was kicking ass tonight.
After about an hour, the party had begun to break up, and most of the diverse crowd had gone their equally diverse ways. Derek, Gil, and I decided that our time had come to part as well.
“Well let’s go look at our bikes first, I’d really like to see yours.” said Derek.
“Um, alright, yeah, sure, I’d like to see what kind of ‘bike’ you guys have too.” I actually made quotation marks with my fingers.
We strolled across the street, the brothers and I, to the parking lot of an abandoned fire station. Jack lived on a busy street and had a very small driveway, so it was only natural that many utilized the fire station’s parking lot that night. It had grown darker and the fruit flies had gotten hungrier by this time, and I could see the motorcycles parked in their spaces…right next to my mother’s minivan. This was it, I thought, my lie could not be carried on any longer. Nevertheless, I remained cool and calm. Gil showed me his bike first; revving it up to demonstrate what I assumed was the engine’s power? I just nodded and said “oh yeah, you gotta have that” to every feature pointed out by the brothers about their motorcycles, though they might as well have been speaking Chinese. Finally, they asked where my bike was parked. The jig was pretty much up, I’d had my fun but now it was time to admit it – I’d never owned a motorcycle.
“Oh, it’s right here” I claimed, referring to the minivan next to me. Needless to say, I had them both dumbfounded.
“I thought you said you rode a bike here,” said Gil.
“Yeah, I did,” said I, referring again to my mother’s minivan. Derek and Gil just gave me a look that seemed to be a combination of anger, amusement, and pity. It was as though they were extremely jealous of my awesome ride.
“Whatever”, said Derek, as the boys got on their respective bikes and revved their respective engines. I in turn switched on my mother’s minivan, which chirped with awesomely gentle power. As we all prepared to leave, the brothers now ignoring me out of their jealousy, I rolled down the window (half way…it was child proof), gave them an intense stare, and presented a simple challenge…
“Drag race. Right now. Your bikes against mine. Let’s see what you boys got.” I wasn’t letting this one go. I saw the two brothers give each other defeated glances before Derek sighed and said, “Fine, whatever. Whoever makes it to the corner of Main and Depot Street wins.” They were totally afraid.
“You are so on!” I pumped my fist and rolled the window back up. I turned up my soft rock radio extra loud to get riled up for the big race. I could hear the brothers revving their engines, and I countered with turning up Fleetwood Mac even more. The race was on, the moment was approaching. They lined their bikes up to the edge of the parking lot, and we got Phil, another mutual friend, to signal when the race started. He had a whistle that he carried around for just such an occasion, and prepared to blow it once we were ready to go. I pulled my mother’s minivan up to the starting line, staring the opposition down through my tinted windows, though they probably couldn’t tell. Phil signaled for the race to begin.
Three…
Two…
One…
And they were off, the brothers sped off on their motorbikes like bats out of hell, zooming up past the Dunkin Donuts in the distance before even a few seconds had passed. Using the last trick in my bag, I pulled out of the parking lot and leisurely drove home. “Hehe, fools.” I chuckled to myself. “This wasn’t really a motorcycle…”
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Hadge's Latest Fortune Cookie Fortunes
I invest way too much in what fortune cookies have to tell me. I’m serious, days have been built around the fortunes I’ve received in those little devils. Knowing that my very fate is determined based on what cookie I choose can be a little nerve wracking, and as led to many a psychiatrist bill. Either way, given the fact that I am a young adult, lost in the world, confused, still deciding whether or not to have a career, a fortune cookie can hold a good chunk of the answers. And it’s worked before, that’s the thing. I just hate when they put in those damn fortunes that are just statements. Like “you are an astute observer of qualities”. Oh really? Thanks. “You have been a good acquaintance” – no shit? Wow. Guess I can quit my job now. Please, dear cookie, don’t waste both of our time. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, but I will eat you very soon. I just want some life advice, and I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. Really, it’s your entire purpose. That’s like me walking into a doctor’s office and him going “you have diabetes – now get out!” I know the problem, fix it!
That being said, here are some fortunes that I would welcome finding after I've split the stale sugary goodness open. Its simple really, for those Chinese restaurant owners who frequent this blog (don't pretend you don't exist!) - just print out this page, and cut out each of these fortunes into neat little rectangles, slap a bullshit Chinese translation on the back, stuff it in a cookie and voila! You can pay me later, I do have a PayPal account. Anyway, enjoy:
You are astute and smell nice.
‘Tis wise to present oneself with pants on. Usually.
Just give up, seriously.
_____ in bed.
Your name is Ray Washington and you have two kids and a blue car. No? Damn, but still, how cool would that have been?
Responsibility leads to admiration. Admiration leads to confidence. Confidence leads to pride. Pride leads to damnation. Good luck.
You achieve great peace of mind when you talk with an old friend. Then you realize he stole your wallet. Have an affair with his wife.
You are never selfish with advice or your help, but “everything will turn out okay” is getting really goddamn old, buddy.
The first step to success is spirit. And money. Can’t forget money.
You have AIDS. Sorry you had to find out this way. Enjoy the cookie!
You don’t care what they say; Raising Helen is an enjoyable guilty pleasure.
A fortune cookie fortune will make you suddenly depressed for some reason because of its vagueness.
You under-tipped the delivery guy, don’t think I didn’t notice.
A pleasant surprise awaits you. The baby wasn’t yours!
Your car sucks, buy a better one.
Congratulations! You’ve just selected the one-millionth fortune cookie, and will thus be rewarded one million dollars! (Jk!)
Two words - Pyramid schemes.
You will be contacted by a long lost lover. She wants her stuff back.
Don’t tempt fate, she is a fickle wench. She’s probably just leave you for your better looking half-brother anyway.
Never mix beer with milk, seriously. I’m still feeling that one.
On that show Lost, they're all clones. You read it here first.
This cookie will go straight to your thighs.
Brenda, if you end up getting this, I thought we really connected last night. Shoot me an email: trannylover169@hotmail.com
A generous gift awaits you from a loved one. It’ll be another goddamn ugly-ass sweater from Grammy, which she made so you can’t return it anywhere.
Self-respect is step one in a nine step-program of success and a twenty-one step program of failure.
Take up smoking, you’ll look cooler.
A tingly feeling awaits you while viewing ESPN2’s log rolling competition.
People find much to like about you. (throws up)
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Viewers Like You
While at work today at Sesame Street Workshop, it occurs to me that public television is in terrible, terrible shape. While I enjoy it here quite a bit, there are simply some facets that cannot compare to my previous internship, The Daily Show, which is a cable show. Like any other walk in life, I base internships on one major factor - the free stuff. Seeing as internships are typically unpaid, the free stuff factor can be very huge. That being said, let's do a quick comparison between the contents of the Daily Show's free stuff bin and Sesame Street's free stuff bin...
The Daily Show (MTV Networks): Deluxe emmy dvd box sets, Colbert Report poster not available in stores, Fuck This Book, She Comes First (book), He Comes Next (book), HBO 34-dvd cube, humerous Dick Chaney t-shirt, Bush "countdown of time left in office" keychain, The Simpsons: Season 7 dvd set, lots of various candy
Sesame Street (PBS): Half of a bag of prezels someone didn't want to finish.
See what I mean? Please, do your part to save public television...so I can get better free stuff. Thank you.
The Daily Show (MTV Networks): Deluxe emmy dvd box sets, Colbert Report poster not available in stores, Fuck This Book, She Comes First (book), He Comes Next (book), HBO 34-dvd cube, humerous Dick Chaney t-shirt, Bush "countdown of time left in office" keychain, The Simpsons: Season 7 dvd set, lots of various candy
Sesame Street (PBS): Half of a bag of prezels someone didn't want to finish.
See what I mean? Please, do your part to save public television...so I can get better free stuff. Thank you.
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