Updated Resumes, Employment, and Other "Real Life" Things

The search for a job can be long and hard, often driving the unemployed to depression, madness, or religion. However, we must remain steadfast in our search and often adjust to the ever-changing needs for different services in the early twenty-first century. We must remember; there are jobs out there, we simply must be willing to seek them out and make our own alterations to meet their requirements. The most important aspect of all of this, of course, is adjusting one’s resume to the job applied for. I recently have discovered this, and present to you some examples of the resume’s I’ve sent out, beginning with my original resume that has, thus far, gotten me nowhere. Sure, my initial goal was to work in the entertainment industry, but as of now, I’ve received no bites from the shallow sea of show business. However, I have learned my lesson, and broadened my fields, as demonstrated by my newer, more refined and yes, more potentially successful resumes. Take a look…

1.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To obtain employment in the entertainment industry.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

Sesame Street New York, NY
Post-Production Intern 1/2007-5/2007

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart New York, NY
Production Intern 1/2006-5/2006
Assisted on field shoots and in writers’ meetings
Booked and dealt with audience members
Performed any task to help the show run smoothly
filing, faxing, various organizational work

Fordham Comedy Magazine The Paper Bronx, NY
Writer 9/2004 -

Fordham Sketch Comedy Troupe “Free Pizza” Bronx, NY
Founder/Director/Writer 9/2006 -
Put on several original sketch shows to college crowds
Selected for Upright Citizen’s Brigade’s SPANK sketch showcase, performed at their Manhattan theater

Fordham Experimental Theater Bronx, NY
Writer/Performer/Director/Producer 9/2003-
Co-director of Fordham Improv Comedy Troupe
Wrote and directed comedy Nazareth High for successful four night run
Wrote and directed Fordham: The Musical for successful four night run.

Paris Cabaret Starline Room Stoughton, MA
Writer/Waiter/Performer 6/2004-8/2005
Responsible for energizing and interacting with audience
Required to multitask quite

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Received awards for two self directed films in 2003 Easton Film Festival
Run own blog – sunnysideofgoodtaste.blogspot.com
Proficient at Microsoft Word, Excel, Power Point
Selected for “Lord of the Manor” speaker position at pre-graduation ceremonies in May 2007.

2.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To become a gourmet chef at Rodrigo’s Authentic Italian Eatery.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

Grilled Cheese Sandwiches Easton, MA
Have made it really good 4/1996- 7/2007
Sometimes with tomato

Watched Emiril New York, NY
Occasional Viewer 1/2006-5/2006
Saw an episode where he made a casserole
Know that “Kick It Up a Notch!” and “BAM!” are his catchphrases
Saw another episode where he made some sort of sauce
TiVo’d last night’s episode and will watch it

Toast Bronx, NY
I’ve made toast before 9/2004 -
It was good, not too burnt
Utilized butter and/or peanut butter on finished product

Microwave Celeste Pizza Easton, MA
Cooker of It 9/1998 –
Followed directions on back of box to perfection
Attempted to cook it in toaster oven
Attempt unsuccessful

Microwavable Bagel Bites Bronx, NY
Preparer/Director/De-froster 9/2003-
Prepared pizza in the morning
Pizza in the evening
Pizza at suppertime
When pizza’s on a bagel, I could eat pizza anytime

Saw Like Water For Chocolate Stoughton, MA
Well, half of it 6/2005-6/2005
It had subtitles
So, required to multitask
Food in the title

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Keep Food Network on in background while I do other things
Eating three meals a day, plus various snacks
Hate Rachel Ray, but tolerate her
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point

3.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To become Senior Visual Designer for Sullivan Architecture Inc.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

Sandcastles Cape Cod, MA
Builder/Creative Consultant 4/1985- 6/2007
Responsible for the successful raising of no less than twenty-four exemplary sandcastles
Twelve of said sandcastles did not collapse at the pressure of high tide
Each housed at least three twig-people

Personal Tree Fort Easton, MA
Planner/Designer/Supervisor 2/1988 – 4/1988
Created projective blue prints for Deluxe Super Secret Tree Fort on construction paper in purple crayon
Died at preproduction due to lack of sufficient funds and man power

Popsicle Stick House Easton, MA
Exterior/Interior Designer 5/1990 – 6/1990
Successfully conceived popsicle stick dream house
Began construction utilizing popsicle sticks, Scotch tape, and Elmer’s Glue
Abandoned project midway due to lack of attention span

This Old House Easton, MA
Heard of it 6/1984 -
And I know its about designing and building homes
Right?

“Our House” by CSNY New York, NY
Know the words 11/2003 –
I know most of the words
It’s on my iPod
Also possess knowledge of what CSNY stands for

“Our House” by Madness Bronx, NY
Know how it goes 9/2003-
I’m humming the tune right now
It’s also on my iPod

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Can draw Spongebob Squarepants with decent accuracy
Can trace the white house from an old Social Studies text book
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point
Have lived in numerous architectural structures

4.

Michael W. Hadge
mikehadge@gmail.com
C: 508-944-0555

OBJECTIVE: To become a litigation consulting accountant manager for J&C Paralegal.

EDUCATION:
Fordham University, Bronx, NY
Bachelor of Arts in Communications May 2007
Cumulative GPA: 3.3

EXPERIENCE:

N/A Easton, MA
6/1984 –

SPECIAL SKILLS:
Proficient at Microsoft word, Excel, Power Point

Resignation

It brings me great sorrow and heartbreak to resign this day from the facebook group, “Teach For America”. Truly, my heart had never been in it from day one, as I joined the group blindly because a girl I kind of liked invited me. I am truly sorry for my inexcusable deception. However, the truth is, I would make a terrible teacher, and I don’t even particularly support teachers or education, so my mere presence in this group was completely, utterly in vain. Apologies to anyone who has been affected by this faux pas.
Also, I regret to say that I have also removed myself from the “Human Being Group” on facebook, as I feel it’s simply too accepting. If I am going to be part of a group or club, I prefer it to exclude at least some type of denomination as to boost my fragile ego. The “Human Being Group” also lacked any real organization, and failed on its initial promises of prosperity for the human race. Instead, the group merely provided inane wall postings and a few google image photos of Chuck Norris.
While we’re on the topic, I would like to take this time to announce my departure from “The Christian Bale Appreciation Club”. Sure, I think Christian Bale’s alright, really gave the Batman franchise a refreshing kick in the pants, but I don’t appreciate him so much as to belong to a group dedicated to his body of work. My heart simply was not in it during my tenure, and for the past three years I honestly forgot that I had ever been a member.
I’m also quite disturbed and saddened to announce that I will no longer consider myself a member of “That’s SO Andrew Kingsley!” I don’t know Andrew Kingsley, I’m not facebook friends with Andrew Kingsley, and I’ve barely ever heard of Andrew Kingsley. However, judging from the pictures of drunken escapades on the group page, including several of the young man mugging for the camera with a solo cup in one hand and at least one popped collar, I can safely assume that Andrew Kingsley does not merit his own group, let alone my membership in said own group. While he looks like he’s a hit at frat parties, Andrew Kingsley sadly falters in the facebook group department. My membership from day one was a complete and utter charade, and I do apologize to the deceived.
It also pains me greatly to inform you that I will be cutting ties with the group, “Facebook Members For the Kyoto Protocol in the United States”. Amongst my reasons for leaving are I do not often visit the group page, and I don’t know WTF this is! My gut instinct is that I was invited by one of my outspoken, hippie facebook friends and its to support some lame thing like genocide in another country that a damn facebook group full of privileged white college kids won’t be able to do a damn thing about anyway. Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. Am I going to hell (again)?
Also, since I have your attention, and I assume that I do, I would like to tender my resignation from the group “If This Group Reaches 250,000, My Girlfriend Will Have A Threesome With Me!” Look, I’m all for helping my fellow man get laid, but this is taking it all a bit too far, in my humble opinion. While I see that the group is currently at 549 members, there appears to be little chance of this anonymous individual receiving his hypothetical orgy as it is. However, I’m afraid that total shall now be 548, as I feel I can no longer support this dying cause. Besides, the group administrator should learn that there are other ways to get close to your romantic partner other than hoping she’ll lose a bet over a facebook group. Or at least make the number more realistic next time.
While we’re at it, I’m also reporting my resignation from the group “We Remember 90s Nickelodeon!” The wave of quirky retro nostalgia, I fear, has passed, and truly, no one came out the better for it. Also, I regret to announce my departure from the facebook group, “Kerry/Edwards in ‘04”. It’s just good housekeeping.
Finally, I’m leaving the group “Fordham Praise and Worship”. For perhaps it is fitting that I deleted each bi-daily group message which announced the next prayer session or special mass before ever reading them. My heart was truly never in this group, as, I admit freely, I thought they were kidding. For this, I am truly sorry. If Jesus was on facebook, surely he would de-friend me.
Life has truly taken me in different directions in the most recent months, and I must adjust accordingly. Apologies to all involved, and I do hope we meet again in less pointless circumstances. I would, while I have your attention, like to announce my newest facebook group, “Enough With All These Facebook Groups!!!”, has just opened up. Once you join, there’s no way out.

Wheels Of Fire

It was chilly for an evening in early July, but somehow that didn’t make a difference. Everyone was still out under the tent, drinking beer and eating steak tips smothered in the most succulent sauces anyone could have realistically expected. Since I had changed into jeans hours before, I was moderately comfortable, and the candles intended to keep away mosquitoes helped warm my outsides. It was a mixed crowd for the graduation party, or I should say, joint graduation party, as Jack and three of his cousins had all just graduated from one form of education or another. Naturally, Jack was off perusing the atmosphere, appeasing distant relatives and college friends. I fell into neither category, as Jack and I had grown up together. Through the years we always found something in common, though it was usually music. The only bands either of us had ever played in included the other – Jack on keyboards and myself on guitar. It was always difficult to find a bassist and drummer, but the ones we had found were there that night as well. The Thrasher brothers, Gil and Derek, were high school acquaintances of ours who had turned into the townies everyone predicted they would be. The former worked for various auto repair shops in the area, while the latter made a habit of getting fired from local restaurant chains. We had all begun catching up, as it had been no less than four years since we’d last spoken.
“Yeah, life’s pretty good” stated Derek, “But I mean, I guess I have the new bike to thank for that.”
“Oh?” I replied.
“Oh yeah, we both just got new motorcycles” chimed in Gil “I’m telling you, they’re great, you feel like you’re flying even if you’re just going thirty!”
“My commute to work used to be hell, but with this bike, I can zip through traffic and make it home in like ten minutes. It’s great!” added Derek.
“I’ll just ride it up and down the block for fun, it just has made my life more enjoyable in so many ways. Sounds crazy I know, but man, its fun” said Gil.
I had not been known for my competitive nature, nor my constant need to outdo people, but that’s simply because I hid them well.
“Yeah, mine’s good too,” I said, smirking on the inside because I had in fact driven my mother’s minivan to the party that night, and never owned a motorcycle. Hell, I’d never owned a Huffy bike with more than ten speeds. However, I felt that luck was on my side that night.
“Oh, you have a bike?” asked Derek curiously. “What kind is it?”
“Harley Davidson” I replied after not a second, really just glad that I’ve heard of a motorcycle brand. Damn, I was on.
“Really? They’re pretty outrageous, I mean for both cost and just structure” claimed Gil.
“Yeah, well, I won it on The Price Is Right. Fell in love with it after, you know.” I responded, feeling I had dodged a potential bullet right there. However, I wanted to up the stakes for myself, I was feeling saucy. “I mean, it goes pretty fast – like 0 to 90 in like five seconds.” Hmmm, I might have overshot it. Nah.
The brothers laughed together, and I joined in as to not cause suspicion.
“You’re kidding right?” Derek asked, giving me a clear opening to get out of this outrageous lie.
“No” I said.
“Wow, that’s really amazing. I didn’t think anything outside of an airliner could get that kind of speed” claimed Gil.
“Well, this can. I mean I’m no expert, but I think the jetpacks on the side of it help” I said for some reason.
“Jetpacks on the side?” asked Gil.
“Yeah, I mean again, I’m no expert, but I would think that jetpacks would account for any added speed it gets. It can’t fly or anything though, they’re just for speed”. Smooth, I was kicking ass tonight.
After about an hour, the party had begun to break up, and most of the diverse crowd had gone their equally diverse ways. Derek, Gil, and I decided that our time had come to part as well.
“Well let’s go look at our bikes first, I’d really like to see yours.” said Derek.
“Um, alright, yeah, sure, I’d like to see what kind of ‘bike’ you guys have too.” I actually made quotation marks with my fingers.
We strolled across the street, the brothers and I, to the parking lot of an abandoned fire station. Jack lived on a busy street and had a very small driveway, so it was only natural that many utilized the fire station’s parking lot that night. It had grown darker and the fruit flies had gotten hungrier by this time, and I could see the motorcycles parked in their spaces…right next to my mother’s minivan. This was it, I thought, my lie could not be carried on any longer. Nevertheless, I remained cool and calm. Gil showed me his bike first; revving it up to demonstrate what I assumed was the engine’s power? I just nodded and said “oh yeah, you gotta have that” to every feature pointed out by the brothers about their motorcycles, though they might as well have been speaking Chinese. Finally, they asked where my bike was parked. The jig was pretty much up, I’d had my fun but now it was time to admit it – I’d never owned a motorcycle.
“Oh, it’s right here” I claimed, referring to the minivan next to me. Needless to say, I had them both dumbfounded.
“I thought you said you rode a bike here,” said Gil.
“Yeah, I did,” said I, referring again to my mother’s minivan. Derek and Gil just gave me a look that seemed to be a combination of anger, amusement, and pity. It was as though they were extremely jealous of my awesome ride.
“Whatever”, said Derek, as the boys got on their respective bikes and revved their respective engines. I in turn switched on my mother’s minivan, which chirped with awesomely gentle power. As we all prepared to leave, the brothers now ignoring me out of their jealousy, I rolled down the window (half way…it was child proof), gave them an intense stare, and presented a simple challenge…
“Drag race. Right now. Your bikes against mine. Let’s see what you boys got.” I wasn’t letting this one go. I saw the two brothers give each other defeated glances before Derek sighed and said, “Fine, whatever. Whoever makes it to the corner of Main and Depot Street wins.” They were totally afraid.
“You are so on!” I pumped my fist and rolled the window back up. I turned up my soft rock radio extra loud to get riled up for the big race. I could hear the brothers revving their engines, and I countered with turning up Fleetwood Mac even more. The race was on, the moment was approaching. They lined their bikes up to the edge of the parking lot, and we got Phil, another mutual friend, to signal when the race started. He had a whistle that he carried around for just such an occasion, and prepared to blow it once we were ready to go. I pulled my mother’s minivan up to the starting line, staring the opposition down through my tinted windows, though they probably couldn’t tell. Phil signaled for the race to begin.
Three…
Two…
One…
And they were off, the brothers sped off on their motorbikes like bats out of hell, zooming up past the Dunkin Donuts in the distance before even a few seconds had passed. Using the last trick in my bag, I pulled out of the parking lot and leisurely drove home. “Hehe, fools.” I chuckled to myself. “This wasn’t really a motorcycle…”