The Sunny Side of Good Taste

The Rescignos sing "Headshots"

2010-02-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

As some (none?) of you are aware, I write songs for some dear friends of mine who perform monthly off-off-Broadway shows (off). This is from their most recent performance, concocted by yours truly.

Don't let the phunky beats fool you, I'm still white.

Name Droppers

2010-01-28T06:43:00.000-08:00

Stage names are an interesting phenomenon. Some of them work, and just sort of seem right - Elton John sells more records than "Reginald Dwight" would have, for example. However, famous name alterations like Mark Twain, Bob Dylan, David Bowie and Cher (not Lady Gaga though...that's a given Christian name) all have a somewhat catchy ring to them, something distinctive that makes an audience remember.

Some Facebook friends of mine have chosen to take this leap.

However, not in any clever or interesting way, mind you. Rather, it seems like a disturbing handful of people I know have chosen to professionally begin going by their first name followed by their middle name, and just CHOPPING their unique, potentially memorable last name. Now, I think this practice would be fine if said middle names were slightly unusual.

Sadly, these pen/stage names are all (ALL) extremely common, bland, and super American. Names are appearing like "Stephen Matthew", "Michelle Ann" and "Susan Ann". Immediately, images are aroused of this name printed below a sleek black and white headshot, being handed to a casting director for a Fabreeze commercial.

Now, if you truly want to distance yourself from your last name, that's one thing. But what a slap in the face to whatever ancestor shlepped onto Ellis Island with a pocket full of dreams (and probably dysentery) from the old country. "F***** you grampa! I'm gonna be a star!" you say. But unless you're a Smith or a Jones, last names are a distinctive label we are given at birth, something that was good enough for the people who made you. Granted, they never did a walk-on role in NCIS, but even if your last name has six Q's in a row, at least people might possibly remember that. "Robert John" sticks with you about as long as a brain freeze. Switch back guys, these stage name changes are like lazy nosejobs.

Plus, here is a series of quotes you will never hear:

"Oh hey, want to go see that new Peter Gary film? I hear he's good in it."

"Yo dawg, you gotta download Cynthia Jennifer's new single. It's phat/tight!"

"Hurry up, we're going to be late for the Greg Eugene concert!"

"I just finished reading Christina Katelyn's latest novel. It had me on the edge of my damn seat!"

I'd say "rant over", but I'm going to continue actually talking about this all week.

Sincerely,

Michael William

Two-Thousand Ten = More Like Two-Thousand FUN

2010-01-25T22:18:00.000-08:00

"When are you going to update Sunny Side for the New Year?" - No one.

"Come on, we're almost a month into 2010...give us SOMETHING!" - Not anybody.

"PLEASE JUST UPDATE YOUR BLOG! IT'S DRIVING ME BANANAS!" - Chester Alfonso (not a real dude)

Well, the people have clearly spoken, and you know how I am when people say things. I just can't leave my imaginary fans hanging. In all truth though, we have entered a new year, and new years mean new opportunities. Also, new calenders. Guess which one I'm more excited for! (HINT: It includes at least twelve photos of babies dressed as animals or vice-versa)

Though I haven't made any official new years "resolutions", I have a few new years "to-do's". Reason being, I'm much more likely to get something done on a "to-do" list than something that's a grand, sweeping "resoLUTION." Nobody has a resolution to pick up some new socks, but somebody may put "bang seven robot women" on a to-do list. See what I'm saying, America? And parts of Canada?

That being said, here is a portion of my 2010 To-Do List:

- Write a spec script for "24" where the characters get Chipotle in the first ten minutes. I think what happens in the remaining fifty is pretty self explanatory.

- Record an album with T. Bone Burnett, but not as Producer. I want him catering. His name sounds like he'd make a good chef as well.

- Train to watch a marathon. Those things are booooring without proper conditioning.

- Juggle being an everyday mom and a crime fighter by night. What's a girl to do?

- Pitch my idea for PRECIOUS: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire: The Animated Series. Yes, there will be a Junkyard Gang involved.

- Convince the writers at Gawker that if they're gonna try to be witty - COMMIT!

- Make fewer PRECIOUS jokes.

- I'm sorry, but seriously, did anyone see that movie? It was not based on a true story (It was in fact based on the novel...ah, forget it), so while the events depicted are very real and occur everyday. I don't think they ALL occur to ONE person in such a short span of time, as they do to our hero in this film. Precious just can't catch a break. I was half expecting a zombie attack to break out at the end, because that was the ONLY BAD THING THAT HADN'T HAPPENED YET.

- Waste less time on To-Do lists talking about Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire.

- Is Sapphire just a last name? Is it like a Cher thing? And if so, what else has she written? Why should we care that Sapphire has written the book that this movie is based on. Was anyone in the theater lobby undecided going, "Hmm, well we could see 'Up in the Air' or a 'Squeakuel' of something...is there anything playing based on the works of Sapphire? Well slap me sideways, will ya look at that! Playing at 5:10!" I also can't help but wonder if "Push" by Sapphire now has a sticker on it that reads "'Push' by Sapphire - now a major motion picture: 'Precious': based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire'".

- "Precious" would have made a very fine title on its own. Is this titling trend going to continue? Will we see "The Hobbit" be titled "The Hobbit: Based on the novel The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien"? Or "The Rachel Ray Show: Based on the series 30-Minute Meals by Rachel Ray"? This will not increase book sales.

- Don't immediately contradict by To-Do's.

- Go to sleep right now.

Eggo ROFL's

2009-12-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

(NOTE: the title has really, nothing to do with what follows. But come on, “Eggo ROFL”s? ROFLMAO! Seriously tho, this is actually about the apocalypse)

I bought some Eggo waffles last night, because if you have access to news stories, you know that there’s only so much time. Soon there will be no more Eggo’s to leggo, and if you, like me, have been taking Eggo waffle availability for granted, now’s the time to make some semblance of amends. However, after a little bit of research, it dawned on me that this Eggo shortage is not to be taken lightly, no sir. For the lack of Eggo waffles appears to be the first tiny pebbles in the avalanche that signals the end of our civilization. Am I blowing this out of proportion? F no. Observe…

Seven signs of the Apocalypse:

1. A False Prophet will rise
2. War and rumors of wars
3. Famines
4. Earthquakes
5. Persecutions and tortures to the elect
6. Lawlessness
7. This good news of the kingdom will be proclaimed to the whole world

Famines! See? It’s all right there! This fits exactly into the popular theory of “if you can’t eat waffles, what’s the point of eating”, and will make the earthquakes that follow seem like a comparative relief. I imagine the phrasing of “famine” is deliberately vague because the original prophets were unsure which specific brand of waffle would fall victim. If that doesn’t give you the chills, look a little lower on your internet browser.

The Book of Revelation also, when actually read, reveals much about our current situation. Therein, a particular harrowing quote is found; “I looked beyond into the great white into nothingness. A great flash bestowed upon my fasting eyes and unto humanity. Judgment Day has come, and there are no waffles.”(Daniel 10:2ff) Also, the book of Genesis also speaks of an “Angel” bringing forth the apocalypse. Perhaps not coincidentally, the angel is either indifferent or unlearned of waffles.

The Mayans are known for their precise calendar making and also somehow future predicting. Thus, 2012 has been marked as the end of days due to their ending the calendars that year. What people pay way less attention to is their mark for what’s gonna happen in 2010. Let’s take a look…

“2010 – Waffles gone. Panic sets in.

2012 - Apocalypse” – The Mayans

Creepy, right? It’s not just the Mayans either. Nostradamus has strikingly similar accounts.

“2010 – No more waffles. Humanity disconcerned.

2012 – Apocalypse” – Nostradamus

And if that’s not enough, look immediately below…

Yes, this is an artistic rendering of what the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse definitely look like, but think back to all we as a society have come to know about these four gentlemen. They signal doom, judgment, the end of days, and also…you guessed it…are never holding waffles. Yes, there are several different interpretations of the Four Horsemen and their specific characteristics but think about it, no one ever mentions waffles being present. If this didn’t seem so conclusive, I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing.

But there’s more…

Witness the above screen cap from Roland Emmerich’s November summer blockbuster 2012. If there's one guy who knows his apocalypses, it's Roland Emmerich. Thus, I think he would have a pretty good idea of what things would look like immediately before the world ends.

Do you see waffles? I sure don’t.

Indeed, every depiction of the end of days reveals a complete lack of waffles. I don’t mean to freak you out, society, but this is all hard to ignore. However, heed these words not as doom, but as perspective; a warning not to take our current breakfast pastries for granted. Whether used to sandwich eggs and bacon or doused in the good lady Jemima’s nectar, enjoy those Eggos now. They may be delicious, but sometimes delicious also implies world-ending. (See: nothing)

ABC Family's 25 Days of Misguided Promotion

2009-12-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Season has arrived, it being post-Labor Day and all, and far be it for ABC Family to not promote their 25 Days of Christmas programming orgy. As such, a whimsical insert was placed in every copy of AM New York (cranky NY commuters between 24-65 being the clear target demographic for ABC Family) on Tuesday, December 1st carrying adorable news stories such as “Elves on Strike”, “Santa on Vacation”, and a hard-hitting Q&A with Heat Miser/Snow Miser. Of course, everyone loves Christmas movies, and ABC Family is well aware of this fact. But with so many great Christmas movies, no two people are ever gonna have the same favorite…are they?! This question clearly needed to be taken to the streets, and that’s exactly what AM New York/ABC Family did. Let’s take a look at some of the results, you guys.

Surely we’ll get a lot of answers of The Grinch, It’s a Wonderful Life, A Charlie Brown Christmas, you know…the yooj. Right?

Hm, the Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? That’s an outside-the-box selection. I’m all for unpredictable choices, so good on you Alex Frank for sticking with your guns and not caring what people will think after they read that a 52-year old professional consultant’s favorite holiday film is The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause”. Clearly, you were the target audience. A little strange not to pick the first Santa Clause, but I hear this third installment is where the franchise really picks up steam. I’m guessing Mr. Frank has gotten enough slack from former friends for having this view, so I won’t further question it. Onward...

Wow, Mr. Benjamin (not on iTunes, just checked) feels real strong about his admiration of “Unaccompanied Minors”, going so far as to yell the word “love”. No hesitation evident on this no doubt spur of the moment question. He even goes so far as to point out specific favorite scenes, causing me to envision their respective hilarious scenarios, and desire to view these hijinks first hand. Luckily I have a chance to catch it next Monday at 8, which is good because I’m assuming there’s a ginormous wait for it this time of year on Netflix. Also, it’s a holiday movie? Also, you can’t see the picture, but BenJammin (his singer/songwriter alias) looks not like how 26-year-olds look.

Now I really feel for Marissa. There’s a lot going through your head when you get a question like this – everyone expects you to say “A Christmas Story” or “Miracle on 34th Street” or hell, “Elf”…lord there are a ton of cinematic Christmas classics. There's a ton of pressure to pick one of those standards, but she sticks with her guns and proudly proclaims her favorite holiday film, the creme de la (of the) creme, if you will – “Holiday in Handcuffs”. Obvious really. Why has nobody else already mentioned that? In another classic case of “how-people-really-talk”, Marissa apparently verbalizes how most 14-year olds text or how curmudgeonly network execs think teenagers communicate in general. Now, again, I’ve never seen “HIH” as the kids are calling it, so I guess I’m out of luck. Wait…well I’ll be darmed (a combination of “damned” and “darned” I just made up), it’s on ABC Family Dec. 10th at 8! Gosh, these responses are really coinciding with what’s airing on ABC Family in the coming weeks. I’m sure that’s purely coincidental, as these are truly believable opinions.

Favorite films also mentioned include: "The Year Without a Santa Claus”, “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”, “The Polar Express”, and “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and the Island of the Misfit Toys” (not the super shitty original). Films not mentioned include: every actual good Christmas movie ever made. I guess credit is due to AM New York and ABC Family for tracking down the seven humans in the city/country whose range of holiday film viewing is wildly limited, and coincides with their programming schedule. I suppose there’s always the possibility that the ABC Family people fabricated some of these quotes, but phrases like “OMG! I heart Holiday if Handcuffs!” are totally just something someone would say.

(photos courtesy of Mike "Badge" Biette)

R.L. Stine - A Study in the Occult

2009-10-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

There is a darkness that lies beneath the upper five crusts of our society. The shadow has been forming for many years, though we’ve only now begun to even detect a hint of its presence. Nevertheless, this fresh, new evil has been around for awhile, and while we’ve been blind to its existence, it has grown only more powerful. Of course, I speak of the dark literature of R.L. Stein.

The dark literature of R.L. Stine had, at first, on the surface seems harmless. Delightful, colorfully illustrated covers adorned even the stingiest of elementary school book fairs, and titles such as “Monster Blood”, “Night of the Living Dummy”, and “Let’s Get Invisible!” appeared harmless on the surface. However, repercussions of the evil within the dark literature of R.L. Stine arouses far more than simple…goosebumps.

Exhibit A: April 21, 1996 – Young Abigail Parchmont had just finished reading “One Day at Horrorland”, and strange occurrences began taking place. Her family recalls she began spouting some strange non-English, non-human gobbledegook and twisting her head most of the way around. Abigail was found the next morning in the backyard, having eaten roughly half the family dog, Ruff’ums.

Exhibit B: November 8, 1999 – Thomas Farlings of Essex, NJ went camping in the woods with six of his friends. The cabin they stayed at contained one book – “A Shocker on Shock Street”. One by one, the campers were killed by the evil that had been awoken in the woods.

Exhibit C: July 9, 1998 - John Carloston had merely gotten through half of “Bad Hare Day” before succumbing to madness and digging up half the local cemetery “to calm [him]self down”.

Exhibit D: September 7, 1997 – Young Nyu Hsing was found dangling from a rafter in his garage with a note that said “All for Slappy”. “Night of the Living Dummy” was in his hand.

Exhibit E: February 12, 2002 - Jimmy Collins devoured both “Deep Trouble”s in one night, a foolish action to take without a holy man present. His whereabouts are unknown.

Truly, the work of R.L. Stine stretches far beyond Fear Street (which geographically does not actually exist). These strange occurrences have led some to believe that Stine is the mouthpiece of Satan’s modern day bidding, putting pen-to-page the dark scripture he himself has not the physical ability to write. Those who have studied the occult believe the coming of Stine will be the first step towards the end of humanity, after destroying J.K. Rowling. In a recent interview, Charles Manson revealed that reading “Say Cheese and Die” led him to commit all of his murders. Some say the pages of “Be Careful What You Wish For” were printed with ink from an ancient Inca burial ground. “The Horror at Camp Jellyjam” is literally a word—for-word interpretation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. "It Came From Under the Sink" is an adaptation of the thoughts of unbaptized babies. Additionally, there’s a rumor that if you read “Egg Monsters From Mars” with the lights off and a candle lit, your spirit enters the body of Joy Behar. Dark, dark material.

On a more local level, Stine’s work has garnered its group of dark apostles; a brooding, poetry-writing, Hot Topic-shopping bunch who refer to themselves as Stineists. These groups, who would typically meet via craigslist in basements, conduct dark rituals including bee sacrifices, piano lessons, and even “Monster Blood Orgies”. Says Stineist leader, who goes only by the name “X”, explains “our Monster Blood recipe is really a homemade concoction of some lemonade, corn syrup, and food coloring. Occasionally, we’ll add some ground cane sugar to give it some extra zing. Then we [fuck] in it.”

Are there any ways to simply enjoy Stine’s whimsical ghoulish tales without the disturbing side effects? Father Thompson of Maine has stated that after soaking “Chicken Chicken” in holy water for three weeks, he could read it without any consequence, though he still felt a little wrong afterwards. (Though that may have been due to the poor narrative structure) While the holy water idea has proven effective, certain states have banned any of Stine’s work from entering churches altogether.

From this morning's AM New York

2009-10-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

Mario ‘books’ it

‘SBTB’ star Lopez, Diamond pen different tales

by Julie Gordon, AM New York

“Mario Lopez isn’t angry that former “Saved by the Bell” co-star Dustin Diamond wrote a book exposing alleged on-set drug use and hookups. If anything, Lopez just feels sorry for the guy.

“He’s gone through rough times, he was in a bad place,” said Lopez, whose voice took on a sympathetic tone when discussing Diamond’s state of mind. “Anyone who feels the need to write something like that that [isn’t doing well]”.

Lopez told us that he hasn’t read Diamond’s book but has heard about it contents.

Meanwhile, Lopez has been busy perfecting his own book, the children’s story “Mud Tacos,” which he wrote with his younger sister, Marissa Lopez Wong. “Mud Tacos” is the tale of a brother and sister who use their imaginations to make tacos out of backyard materials – and learn a few lessons along the way. Lopez also said he is close to finalizing a deal to turn “Mud Tacos” into a cartoon.

While he wants to expose young readers to Mexican culture, Lopez said he doesn’t “want to hit anyone over the head with a tortilla or anything.”

Well, we’re sure we could find a few ladies who wouldn’t mind that scenario one bit.”

So, if this innuendo were to play out...Gordon suggests basically that she knows several women who wouldn't mind being bludgeoned in the head repeatedly by Mario Lopez's **ck? Is this a thing nowadays?

Hip Hip....

2009-09-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "So, you just want me to point and smile?"

Executive: "You got it J.P., you're doing great!"

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "What am I pointing at exactly?"

Executive: "Heyyy, don't worry about it."

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "No really, what am I gonna be pointing at and thus endorsing?"

Executive: "Wha? Hmm? Sorry, I think I hear my phone ringing. RIIIIIINNNNG."

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "Okay, that was clearly just you making that noise."

Executive: "Jorge, baby! I would never ask you to endorse something that would cheapen or embarrass your legacy, nay, the legacy of the entire New York Yankees organization!"

Jorge Posada, Respected NY Yankees Catcher: "Really? Well alright, that's good enough for me."

Executive: "Ready? Now look into the camera, smile, point...say 'I'm loving it!'"

Kickin Slumber

2009-09-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

Man, I had the most rockin’ sleep. I started out by just like lying down, you know? Nothing too difficult. I was ridin’ that left side for awhile, lying on it like a fiend. Check this out though – my left arm was under my pillow right? So then, I take it and swing around to my side so I’m now flat on my stomach, just totally pillow-facing that bed. A move that’s fancier than it is practical for comfort, admittedly. Still, I got some major doze-age out of that, but my sleep buzz was starting to wear and tear. Time to bring in the big guns. I pulled my patented “beached dolphin” move, where I lie on my right side with my left arm hanging down away from my body. Effin’ sweet effin’ move. That may as well have been an express ticket to slumberville. The heat was gettin’ to me though, and the blanket quickly became like a major buzzkill. No prob though, pulled a reverse scissor-kick to get that sucker off the majority of my body. Nice, I was totally set. Not so – cuz then I started to cramp up in said position and had to revert back to start position, riding that left side again. This time though, it was fresh. Real fresh. Call me a letter hunter, cuz I was catching some major kickass Z’s. Bummer though, I was woken up by another dream about demon babies. Heroin is baaad for me.

The Not-As-Good Book

2009-09-04T08:59:00.001-07:00

Facebook is getting old. Despite its efforts to stay hip, relevant, and phresh, the F-book is approaching Alta Vista-levels of internet banality. Nobody gets excited about it anymore, its just part of the internet – as much as checking e-mail, googling, and steamy midget-on-horse action. Nevertheless, it remains part of most of our internet rounds, along with checking e-mail, googling, and steamy midget-on-horse acti…er, ebay.

The Rise and Fall of the Book

Between 2003-05 is when most people joined The ‘Book, or when most colleges signed on. (Fordham joined in Fall ’04) Easy connections were made between actual friends that made MySpace look accurately irrelevant by comparison. For those of us already in college, it made all too much sense. You were being friended by several actual friends, and yes, some acquaintances thrown in, but even they you knew at least pretty well.

Time passed…

The strong initial influx of friend requests had given way to long quiet periods of being content with your 83 friends. That felt like a good number. Anything larger would just be ridiculous, right? This all changed with Stephen Waltman – the first questionable friend request you received. Sure, you guys went to the same middle school, but barely spoke to one another, if ever. Hey, what the hell, you accept the request. 84’s still a decent number.

Little did you know however that once this snowball got rolling, there was little that could stop it from becoming a large, cumbersome Pluto-sized orb of destruction. Yeah, that’s a sentence. More childhood acquaintances gained access to The Book, and requested your friendship, an action they never did in real life. However, now that they can see your favorite books, it’s a whole new ballgame. Still, whatever, you’re sitting at a cool 135 friends. You never thought you’d get into triple digits, but here we are.

More time passed…

Suddenly, now high schools have been given access to the Book. You’re getting friend requests from kids who were freshmen when you were a senior in high school. The number jumps to 205. This is getting nutty. You didn’t think you knew this many people, let along people with computers. Nevertheless, you don’t question it, and figure that’s just the way the internet wind’s a-blowin’. Can’t stop change from a-comin’.

The next day…

Everyone has access to the Book. You’re getting friend requests from pretty much anyone who has the internet. Standards rapidly drop for what constitutes Facebook Friendship. Seemingly, all it now takes for someone to feel entitled to your facebook friendship is knowing how to sort-of spell your name. The number is now at 450 and climbing…

The only friend requests you find yourself now receiving are…

Friends who just got Facebook – This is usually accompanied by a status message that claims “I finally gave in”, followed by ample wall postings stating “I knew you’d give in!” and “bout frikin time!” These people rarely show up on your news feed. Their hearts are simply not in it.

Old members of your graduating class you’ve never spoken to. Never the hot, popular ones though. You never get a friend request and go “Hey now, Brenda Lipski, I wonder if she’s single?” It’s always “Uh…it’s Brenda Lipski, I wonder if she went through with that pregnancy.”

People you met at a party last week - You rarely get much use out of this one. If you’re a girl, this is usually a guy taking an extremely passive approach to hitting on you.

Extended Relatives - Who taught Grandma how to use The Book? Cousin Ray, I’m looking in your direction. This one requires some profile and privacy setting adjustments.

Immediate Relatives - Your father wants to reconnect with some old college friends. And if you’re lucky, he’ll constantly comment on your status.

Friend’s Dogs – This isn’t cute or funny. Okay, it’s sort of cute.

People You Don’t Know – These are the people who take the term “social network” to the extreme. Profile picture is usually self-taken, either in a mirror or freehand.

Okay, I don’t feel like writing this anymore.

Underwhelming 100th Post!

2009-09-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, it only took three years, but SunnySyde has reached it's 100th Post! Rather than create something extravagant and actually "quality", I have chosen to take the road traveled by many before me - the 100th episode clipshow. Sure, literary clip shows just aren't done, but that's just because I'm the first one to ever think of it, right?? So...let's take a look back at the last 100 posts, assembled with no rhyme or reason, shall we? Like you have a choice.

"Billy: What am I gonna do with all these turnips?
Old Prospector: Why dems turnips are evil I tells ya, they're built on an ancient Canadian Indian burial ground."

"Also, I’d like to apologize for my gratuitous judging-based-on-appearance, I swear I don’t commonly practice this practice. However, this night was different, and when you’re surrounded with “artsy free-thinking artsy artists”, they’re basically asking you to judge them by their appearance. To my credit, I was right every single time."

"- Your child’s skin, liver, or brain is infected by Gak™, which also goes by the name of Radon Glyciphonate III.
- Upon being 'slimed' your child goes blind.
- Your child selects a “physical challenge”, and it turns out to be 'Shave Mark Somer’s back'."

"'Every Sunday night, some local sandwiches ring my doorbell and run off. I blame society.'
- Miss Gertrude Biels, Tonton, Connecticut"

"-You have wisely chosen not to feed your giant origami swan, but unfortunately that results in Lucius unfolding from exhaustion and landing in the ocean as one giant sheet of construction paper. Fear not however, as a ship will be waiting for you wherever you land. The ship shall be called the S.S. Ess-Ess, and will be helmed by a half-man half-wheelchair named Toronto. Toronto shall feed you and keep you warm, occasionally boring you with his stories of life as a buoy hunter. Regardless, he will drop you off at the isle of Manhattan after about three weeks. Make sure he hasn’t stolen your ivory box – men of the sea are not to be trusted."

"Okay we didn’t do our research with that last one, sue us. Just kidding, you can’t! You don’t know our names! (One of us is named Marcus, but you don’t know which one!)"

"If Stella hadn’t gotten her groove back up to that point in the film, I imagine the airport scene was where she got her groove back. Pardon this viewer if he feels a bit cheated. As someone looking to get their own groove back, this film’s answer seems to be seduce a younger Jamaican man, get him to buy me a ton of stuff, have him propose, not give him an answer, then give him an answer in an airport without any discernable scene that explains my change of heart."

"Keeping your skin soft and healthy is also a top priority in Harbasham’s bathroom routine. “I strongly recommend honey glaze,” explains Harbasham. “If you reek of ham for the rest of the day, that’s just part of who you are girl!” Saying this made Harbasham crave some honey glaze, so we took the interview to the bathroom."

"Cindy Relf, was merely responding “K” to a message, a venture that in hindsight hardly seems worth it."

“Are the guitar players with sufficient years of experience in the crowd and who also brought their equipment to the show today which would be tough because of the tightness of security but either way get over it figure something out ready to rock?”

"The Trio carried on with what can be best described as “musical masturbation”, in fact that may have been the name of the song, as was anyone’s guess due to the poor PA. All that the crowd knew was that after the Trio riffed on a sloppier than hell free-form eight bar, Hadge launched into a spoons solo that was cute at first, but lost some momentum in the eighteenth or nineteenth minute. Literally, he just kept going, and the other two members could be seen getting cake across the room. After he finished the “song”, Hadge could be seen yelling profanities at the other members to put down their (blank)ing cake and get their (blank)s back on the stage. This did not go over well."

"Dear M+M,
Nope.
From,
The Skittle Dudes"

"Hats are not indie, but is the my poem about hats indie?"

"Some Fast and Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

ME: '...so...you have a name?'"

PARTY #2: 'Oh, I'm Tom/Phil/Dumbass/It Doesn't matter'"

"Nevertheless, like a “q” and a “u”, Jesse needed the Rippers, and the Rippers only too late, realized they needed Jesse; for they were perfect compliments to one another. Venturing out on their own, the Rippers, known then as Barry and the Rippers, quickly lost the interest of their fanbase."

"Why We Are Sending You This Notice? Because you suck at math.

Why We Made The Change - Because you apparently can't handle simple addition, Ace."

"0:28 -'Hey Johnny, you know what this picture really needs? Fat kid.'"

(Scene from Seinfeld where they discuss shrinkage)

It sure has been a long, pointless journey. I'd like to thank the 3 of you (including myself) who read this, and keep the online periodical (it's NOT a blog) going! Here's to 100 more...................!

SCAM ALERT: How to Identify a Scam

2009-09-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, I was on the prowl for my first New York apartment. Naturally, I checked craigslist every day, content that if a listing made it to the Craig, it obviously must be legit. After all, people can't post lies on the internet, right? Nevertheless, this journey taught me everything I needed to know about how to identify a scam of any kind, but specifically of the real estatey nature.

First off, the posting itself. This indicated that a two-bedroom apartment was up for rent on Avenue A for a combined total of $750/month! Surely this was wildly inconsistent with other New York rent prices, but I could just have been the only one to see this and jump on it right? Ha, suckers who aren't me. Meanwhile, the picture attached to the listing was convincing enough...

I mean, how could he have taken that exterior photo of that anonymous building if he wasn't it's landlord? They just don't let you take photos of public property in New York! That just doesn't happen! And look at that building - it's CLEARLY actually on Avenue A. New York City! USA! Earth!

Needless to say, I quickly contacted my future landlord, expressing my extreme interest. I received the following prompt response. (This individual was going to be a delight to do business with!)

Hello,
I have the apartment available including ( square ft. 840), because I moved with my job in England/London and I need money to pay the rent here, that's the reason I want to rent it at this price and to find a good person for my apartment.I can rent you the apt for max.3 years because I have a contract here in England for this period. I`m the owner of the apt and it's like in the photo. The rent for 1 month is $ 750.You have all utilities (water, electricity, Internet, cable, parking, air conditioning, fireplace, dishwasher, garbage disposal, microwave, refrigerator, etc). You can move in the apt in the same day you receive the keys.The only problem is that I`m the only person who have the keys but I hope that we will find a compromise.For get the keys and the contract for the apartment i will use a escrow Company from England www.Rapid-Express-uk.net,
If you are able to make the transaction i need:
You name:
Address:
Zip code:
City:
Country:
After i will have this details i will go and start the transaction and when the transaction was started the Company will contact you with the invoice,tracking number,contract apartment,shipping and payment information, to check the transaction.
Once you have all this details from the Company i inform you must send to the Company a Small deposit($500usd).
After the transaction was closed you will send me the money per month in my account.This is what i can offer you if you really want to rent my apartment.
Thank you and waiting your email back,

Oh, he lives in London. Exotic! He's a man of the world, I like that. Sure, his English on such phrases as "after i will have this details" and "the only problem is that I'm the only person who have the keys" isn't the best. But he's not from America, after all. He's in England. Sure, I should probably take notice of that, but look at this great deal! $500 bones is a small price to pay for three solid years of bliss. And hey, the apartment was "like in the photo" (outside!).

I consulted Lizzy Munkenbeck, my future-roommate-at-the-time, and confirmed that we were squarely on board. I contacted my new friend to see when we could come check the place out. To that I received yet another prompt response...

Dear cliente,

I told you I moved with my job in England/London and I need money to pay the rent here,that's the reason I want to rent it at this price.I told you for our warranty i will use a shipping Company from here www.Rapid-Express-uk.net to send you the keys and what do you need.The transaction will take 1 days until you will get the keys contract and all you need to complete the transaction.After you will have all this and you will move in my apt you will pay me per month.If you are able to make the transaction i need:

You name:
Address:
Zip code:
City:
Country:
After i will have this details i will go and start the transaction and when the transaction was started the Company will contact you with the invoice,tracking number,contract apartment,shipping and payment information, to check the transaction.
Once you have all this details from the Company i inform you must send to the Company a Small deposit($500usd).

Thank you

Boy, this fella sure has a style, and is damn persistent. I can dig that - he's a tough-as-nails businessman, i.e. the kind that gets shit done. And sure, I'm fine with him referring to me as "cliente" - keep it professional. After all, we had only just met. And so what if he made the same grammatical and basic English mistakes a second consecutive time? We're all human! Plus, it's not like www.rapid-express-uk.net was the worst website I'd ever seen!

Still excited as ever, I sent the link to my mother, proudly proclaiming that her subletting son had found his future home. Minutes later, I got this e-mail back from her, which was quoted from another Craigslisting.

BEWARE OF SCAMS! I EMAILED SEVERAL DIFFERENT PEOPLE ASKING ABOUT THE RENT AMOUNT FOR SEVERAL APTS. BECAUSE THE PRICE WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE AND I FIGURED IT WAS A TYPO. I HAD READ
A WARNING ABOUT THIS SAME TYPE OF LISTING BEFORE BUT I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WAS IT UNTIL I GOT MY RESPONSE. AS SOON AS I READ IT, IT WAS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT THIS IS A NEW WAY FOR THEM TO MAKE MONEY, SO BEWARE. THIS IS THE REPLY I RECEIVED - Hello,
I have the apartment available including ( square ft. 840), because I moved with my job in England/London and I need money to pay the rent here, that's the reason I want to rent it at this price and to find a good person for my apartment.I can rent you the apt for max.3 years because I have a contract here in England for this period. I`m the owner of the apt and it's like in the photo. The rent for 1 month is $ 750.You have all utilities (water, electricity, Internet, cable, parking, air conditioning, fireplace, dishwasher, garbage disposal, microwave, refrigerator, etc). You can move in the apt in the same day you receive the keys.The only problem is that I`m the only person who have the keys but I hope that we will find a compromise.For get the keys and the contract for the apartment i will use a escrow Company from England www.Rapid-Express-uk.net,
If you are able to make the transaction i need:
You name:
Address:
Zip code:
City:
Country:
After i will have this details i will go and start the transaction and when the transaction was started the Company will contact you with the invoice,tracking number,contract apartment,shipping and payment information, to check the transaction.
Once you have all this details from the Company i inform you must send to the Company a Small deposit($500usd).
After the transaction was closed you will send me the money per month in my account.This is what i can offet you if you really want to rent my apartment.
Thank you and waiting your email back,
If you want more details from the Company here you the Email address : contact@rapid-express-uk.net
IF THE PRICE SOUNDS RIDICULOUSLY GOOD, THEN IT PROBABLY IS.

Really? This guy was just a fraud? That just don't add up! What about the picture?! What about the general address?! What about his elaborate backstory about working in London?! Not since I found out that Santa Claus was only real if you weren't Jewish had so much innocence been lost in such a short amount of time. The lesson was learned the hard way - through a simple internet search and an everlasting lack of integrity in the eyes of your mother.

Anyway, joke's on that guy - five-hundred bucks won't even WORK in London!

The Wallwigg Way

2009-08-31T20:23:00.001-07:00

Sammy Wallwigg is the campus big shot. Any lady who's any lady wants to be with Sammy, and those who don't have just reserved themselves to the fact that they're too unattractive for him. With his garish good looks, fit frame, and irresistible charms, it's not hard to see why Wallwigg is a hit with the ladies. He's slept with cheerleaders, gymnasts, and hand models, and leaves them all begging for more. So what's Sammy's secret?

"I can climax almost instantly", he boasts.

"Most guys can take up to five or seven minutes, leaving the female participant bored and impatient. I get in there, do my business, and get out. It's simple time management, and it sells." Wallwigg has quite the reputation around campus, and yes, much of it is self-planted. Still, it puts the rest of the guys on campus in their place. They know who the king is.

"Man, some of us guys can do it in four minutes. Three minutes, maybe", laments campus low shot Roy Butterburg. "But a minute-thirteen? We can't compete with that."

"Sammy Wallwigg is...not necessarily the best I've ever had. Far from it. I mean, he was really quick" claims local female Stephanie Drutman. "I got so much other stuff done that night, which was good because it was around midterms. Overall, I guess thumbs up?"

Along with his unparalleled bedroom talents, myth of amazing feats swirl around Wallwigg's reputation. Rumors of climaxing at simply a makeout have given the lesser men something to strive for. Legend has it that Wallwigg's record is nineteen seconds, accomplished with Rugby team captain Julianne Frosters.

"That's a stretch", confirms Frosters. "It wasn't that long".

Wallwigg's swagger instantly reflects his abilities and accomplishments. His seduction techniques can get the ladies in bed almost as quick as he gets them out. And while much crying and apologizing afterward every single time would shake the reputation of a lesser man, Wallwigg loses none of his mystique.

This fall, Wallwigg plans to begin a seminar ("The Wallwigg Way"), coaching less successful guys on how to get a woman into the bedroom, and experience immediate ecstasy. "I've been blessed with a great gift", he beams. "What kind of man would I be if I wasn't willing to share my knowledge and abilities? Under my plan, more guys will be experiencing faster, quicker, and more hilariously instant orgasms than ever before."

In our Google-instant world, it's about time.

Jesse and the Rippers: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Speech

2009-08-12T07:43:00.001-07:00

Music is like an ocean – constantly rising, falling; ebbing and flowing. To stay afloat in the music business is akin to not drowning in the actual ocean. There are some artists, however, who are relative Neptunes of the music world. When I first heard Jesse Katsopolas (Cochran) and his Rippers, my world changed. They were rock, but not roll. Rhythm but not blues. Hip but not hop. No, they were something more, for I had seen God for the first time, and he was in the form of a cover of “Doo Wah Ditty Ditty Dum Ditty Doo”.

To witness the band at their peak was to witness a musical assault that would rarely, if ever, have mercy. From the first few notes of whatever golden oldie they would launch into, it was always obvious that the revolution was on. The life revolution. To hear their music was to awaken a dormant part of your soul, a part that realizes it has yet to be a proper participant in this world. The term “Ripper-boomers” was coined to describe those children conceived the second a couple heard a Jesse and the Rippers tune. They predated grunge, completely missed new wave, and flat-out ignored synth-pop, but boy howdy could they rip through a sizzling “Pretty Woman”.

It’s tough to establish a musical career based entirely on the previous work of others, but that in a way is what makes J & the Rs so enigmatic. Sure, they could have been original, like every other band, but they took the path less traveled. Way less traveled. Of course some naysayers claimed that redone versions of old timey rock songs are not what the kids wanted circa 1988. These people were clearly not at DJ’s prom.

Some would call Katsopolas the first real rebel leader of popular music. Under his stoic guidance, Jesse’s Rippers made their own rules; they practiced in the living room long after the girls’ bedtime. Though they were caught by Danny, they didn’t let it get them down. The Rippers were rebels with literally no cause or purpose.

Jesse and the Rippers changed the way we thought of the concept of a band. The non-Jesse members, though relegated to the background most of the time, were each an integral element to the band’s creative energy. For instance, few other bands featured female backup singers who served no purpose other than to look “sooo late-80s/early-90s”.

Sure, there are those who have covered this territory way better before and since, but…um…

For sheer euphoric power pop perfection, one need look no further than the group’s breakthrough single, “Forever”. Sure, some original fans simply could not get on board with the relatively soft tune, though Katsopolas never did what he did for the fans. He followed his own path, wherever his muse led. You were either along for the ride, or you weren’t. In this case, the ride was a Beach Boys cover; one of the seminal recordings of the nineties. Perhaps the accompanying video creeped some out with its ample use of silk, twins, and candles, but not everyone liked the Mona Lisa either. One thing was for damn sure - the Japanese got it. They always do.

What drove the Rippers apart? Some say women, some say money, some say drugs. Others have suggested Katsopolas’s inexplicable radio career became a distraction. However, the actual reason for Katsopolas’s exile from his own band came from his time consuming relationship with his wife and children. This lifestyle did not mesh with the remaining Rippers, steadfast to remain single and childless into their early forties. Additionally, the Rippers were not huge fans of the way Jesse solved every inter-band argument by having a heart-to-heart, hugging them, and calling them “Munchkin”.

Nevertheless, like a “q” and a “u”, Jesse needed the Rippers, and the Rippers only too late, realized they needed Jesse; for they were perfect compliments to one another. Venturing out on their own, the Rippers, known then as Barry and the Rippers, quickly lost the interest of their fanbase. Evidently, demand for a rock band featuring former Brady Bunch star Barry Williams was predictably low amongst the MTV youth. Oddly enough, Jesse garnered no interest from the fans on his own, though he kept up his quest to make music with solo projects, the reopening of the SMASH club, an attempt at managing Stephanie and Gia’s band they had for some reason, and his “Wings” – Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. Regardless of his ill-fated post-Rippers output, Jesse Katsopolas remains a towering figure amongst musicians, and men on the whole.

Though they don’t have one original song to their credit, the Rippers’ shadow over the rest of popular music is majestic and ever-growing. New fans continue to discover their discography; every minute, a ten year-old boy picks up his first guitar dreaming to be the next Jesse Katsopolas. In early November, a box-set of recently unearthed outtakes, demos, and live-performances will be released. Truly, Jesse and his Rippers aren’t going anywhere.

Barry and the remaining Rippers died in a helicopter crash, but Michelle had gotten anesthesia that same day, so the story got very little attention.

So today, I am honored and humbled to induct Jesse and the Rippers into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

(Jesse wakes up)

Unemployment...a farewell

2009-08-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

The past five months have been a roller coaster. The search for a job in this economy can drive a man to do some crazy things, like send out gum in his resumes, attach nude photos, or use Courier New in his cover letter. However, I have finally landed a position which starts next week. While most of me is excited for this shiny new stage of life, a small morsel of me is feeling a twinge of sadness for days of unemployment past. So much time spent doing things I will lord-willing never have the luxury of the time to waste doing. If a poll was taken, I guarantee most dvd commentaries are watched during periods of unemployment. In fact, I'm pretty sure the concept was invented for it. (Why would anyone want to be thinking "Wonder if I'm ever going to make a living again", when they could be thinking "Oh wow, the guy in the background during the parking lot scene in Fight Club was actually the lighting guy's cousin!")

Sadly, tomorrow is my last day of unemployment for at least the next few months (barring any on-the-job curse-laden tirades), and I am determined to have the Most Unemployed Day of All Time. Yes, meticulous planning was involved. Yes, I used flow charts. Yes, Excel was used. Which I am proficient in.

Anyway, Michael Hadge's Most Unemployed Day Ever will include the following:

- waking up at 2 PM just in time to see the sunrise (on youtube)

- checking facebook

- making a hearty breakfast of cheese, sliced salami, and diet coke from the bottle

- checking Craigslist just to feel vindicated

- making the rounds on the internet, going off on several tangents related to monkeys riding segues

- going to the Post Office "just to hang out".

- checking facebook again to update my status

- no pants

- gchatting with all my friends who have jobs, and when they don't respond, typing more

- going to that one hot dog cart in midtown I've always been told is the best

- checking facebook to see if anyone "Like"d my status

- catching a matinee of Transformers 2

- rushing home to give a detailed review on the IMDB.com message boards

- debating jerks on the IMDB.com message boards

- calling parents to tell them I looked on craigslist

- alcohol and grilled cheese in that order

- checking friendster

- checking facebook

- flipping through roommates TiVo'd episodes of Oprah for any nudity

- rediscovering my love for the P-S section of the dictionary

- crying on the floor

- twittering about it all

Doug's Resume

2009-08-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

Oh this guy is just a jerk...

2009-08-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

Journey to the Stars

2009-07-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

Journey to the Stars is a new presentational space show which recently opened at the Hayden Planetarium. The description sounds fascinating enough; "Featuring extraordinary images from telescopes on the ground and in space and stunning, never-before-seen visualizations of physics-based simulations, the dazzling new Journey to the Stars launches visitors through space and time to experience the life and death of the stars in our night sky, including our own nurturing Sun. Tour familiar stellar formations, explore new celestial mysteries, and discover the fascinating, unfolding story that connects us all to the stars. Those who come along for the journey may never see the night sky in the same way again." I can dig that.

Wanna know who's hosting this space program? Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi. Goldberg. Whoo. Pi. Gold. Berg.

Now, if I was making a list of the top 10 individuals I would least associate with space (I do this on occasion), I'm pretty sure Whoopi would be somewhere in the top 6. However, Whoopi seems to be one of the very few public figures that can pretty much slide into any role of expertise and nobody would question it. James Earl Jones also fits in this category. However, I cannot help but wonder what the selection process was like for the host of Journey to the Stars. My imagination conjures up the following...

(Setting: Sound stage, Wednesday Afternoon. Casting directors Nancy and Brad lead the proceedings)

NANCY: Alright, we've narrowed it down to the two of you. Each candidate please step forward and say a few words about yourself.

DR. PADDINGTON LIVINGSTON III: Salutations, my name is Dr. Paddington Livingston III, I have spent thirty-seven years studying with NASA, teaching advanced astronomy at Rutgers and testing my own anti-gravitational tank in my back yard. Additionally, I have corresponded with every space team on their mission to the moon for the past twenty-six years.

BRAD: Oh...ho. And you?

WHOOPI: My name's Whoopi Goldberg. I was in How Stella Got Her Groove Back and Sister Act. Oh, and Sister Act II.

NANCY: "Back in the Habit"?

WHOOPI: Yeah.

BRAD: That was hilarious! I think our decision just got a lot easier.

LIVINGSTON: Excuse me, but I deduct that my qualifications are far more relevant to this particular presentation!

BRAD: Um, okay Dr. Livingston, how many Sister Acts were you in?

LIVINGSTON: Well, none...but...several accomplished astronauts have studied under me! I was a special consultant during the movie version of Apollo 13 just to make sure the shuttle scenes were accurate! I designed the first indestructible space vessel that can also travel underwater!

BRAD: Blahblahblah! BO-RING!J

NANCY: I think we've made ourselves clear. She's got you beat - two Sister Acts to zero.

LIVINGSTON: Why this is an outrage!

BRAD: But don't worry, we've got a super special job for you that only someone of your skill level could possibly do!

(hands LIVINGSTON cue cards)

LIVINGSTON: Well I never...!

END SCENE.

This is definitely exactly what happened.

Hottest Guy In School...

2009-07-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

High Fives...

2009-07-28T21:17:00.001-07:00

Cannonball-ism...

2009-07-27T19:58:00.001-07:00

More like GAYbraham!!!

2009-07-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

I just remembered this.

If you went through a public school system, you inadvertently learned about the birds and the bees in ways that would best be described as "colorful", "scattershot", and "from a kid with a lisp". We gather so much information about them naughty topics that it often becomes difficult to pinpoint exactly where/how we gained a particular nugget of knowledge. (I still swear I learned what "pimp" and "ho" meant while learning multiplication tables) However, last night I remembered how I first heard the term "gay" used in the way we now know and love.

It was third grade, I was nine, and our teacher Mrs. Kenny was attempting to teach us history. The subject was the US Presidents, and she basically hit on all the important ones, i.e. - the ones whose birthdays have been jumbled together for a single holiday. I.e. - Washington and Lincoln. It was a brisk lesson followed by "free time", which came up a good deal in third grade because Mrs. Kenny for whatever reason hated some combination of teaching and children.

As each student tended to their coloring or phonics homework or badly-timed boners, class badass Alex Connors walked up to the cluster of desks where I sat.

"Abraham Lincoln is gay!" he stated.

This puzzled me, as I had only heard the word used in the sense meaning happy, and I assumed this is what he was intending to imply. Not the case. It was explained to me how "gay" meant that he liked boys instead of girls. Again, this puzzled me. By Alex Connor's logic, mixed in with my lack thereof, I could only deduce that "gay" meant a person...

- Had a cool beard
- Was on the penny
- Freed the slaves
- Gave famous speeches
- Was born in a log cabin
- Wore a stovepipe hat
- Was shot by John Wilkes Boothe
- Was a good president
- Likes showtunes

Also, in retrospect Abe Lincoln seemed like a strange target for a "gay" labeling. Wasn't he like, one of the most badass guys in American history? There are at least like 42 gayer US Presidents than Lincoln, and that's just off the top of my head.

So excuse me if my current views toward homosexuality are a bit inaccurate.

How I Nailed That FUSE Audition

2009-07-15T09:11:00.001-07:00

Yesterday marked my first actual foray into the life of a professional performer. I had gotten a call to audition for a VJ on a pop music video show on the FUSE network, which is probably channel 742 on your cable box. Their only criteria was that I "be prepared to talk about pop music". Seems pretty simple. I am a great admirer of pop music. However, it turned out that they did not mean "In general" or "made between 1964 and 1975", so I figured I was up a proverbial creek. Of the ass.

Thus...I started on some research, looking at the Billboard charts and YouTubing any Hot 100 Hits that I may have missed (all of them). Of course, pop music is such a vast terrain that there was no way I was going to learn everything in time. Plus, there was no way that they'd ask me "specific" questions, like "What's the name of Eminem's crew" or some crap like that. Thus, I stopped my research and concentrated on my super cool VJ image and alter-ego.

Unfortunately, once I arrive at said audition, I am presented with a sheet of paper requiring me to fill out my name, email, turn-ons, etc. All is fine and dandy until I realize that this sheet has a back side. What I was presented with was LITERALLY a Pop Quiz (PUN EXTREMELY INTENDED)of VERY SPECIFIC pop questions! Right there, I knew I'd been beat. However, I did not let it get me down. What follows is the actual quiz and yes, my actual answers. What you are about to see is totally real and totally unscripted.

1) Who originally recorded Kelly Clarkson’s “I Don’t Hook Up?”

Bing Crosby, but he was lying.

2) Who recently resigned with Island Def Jam records?

Hammer…just sounds like something he’d do.

3) Who discovered and signed Panic at the Disco?

Trick question…that's not a real band.

4) Who’s real name is Alicia Moore?

Alicia Keys. NEXT!

5) What group was Fergie in before joining the Black Eyed Peas?

Wings.

6) Name three artists Timbaland has worked with.

I know he is planning on working with the Jonas Brothers, so I choose to count them as three separate artists.

7) Who are the Fugees?

Mickey Dolenz, Peter Tork, Mike Nesmith, and Davy Jones.

8) Name three members of the Wu Tang Clan.
No.

9) What is the name of Eminem’s crew, and what does the name mean?

The Junkyard gang, it’s a Fat Albert reference.

10) Who founded Cash Money Records?

Eddie Money. Definitely.

Yes, this fine display of intelligence is in a casting director's folder somewhere, or much more likely, in the trash bin under the desk in that audition room.

Revelations from Remastered Beatles CDs

2009-07-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

For twenty years, Beatles fans have been stuck with the same low-fi, liner-note-less, wrong mixes-using CDs to deal with. Yeah after year, the promise of a catalog upgrade would come and go, leaving those of us who revel in fine audio quality to seek out old vinyl pressings or bootleg needle-drops. In almost all cases, these alternate sources blew the CDs away.

However, on September 9, 2009 - that all changes. The entire Beatles catalog is getting the upgrade it so richly deserves. And let me tell you, the results are stunning. That's right, I'm one of the few select individuals who has heard these disks ahead of time, and the difference is night and day. The sound is so clear, it's like you're right there in the studio with the Fab Four. Of course, sometimes these sort of remasterings can be too honest.

Here are some revelations that have been buried in those master tapes for years, but are only now audible:

- During “Honey Pie” you can actually hear John’s eyes rolling.

- From the White Album through to Let It Be, the entire atmosphere sounds “Japanese-ier”.

- Upon further listen, it is revealed that Revolver was recorded entirely backwards. Played forwards, its crap.

- The guy chanting “number 9…number 9…” is Wilford Brimley.

- Most of George Harrison’s songs are unintentionally plagiarized Chiffons songs.

- Between Please Please Me and With the Beatles, their outfits sound way more expensive.

- Ringo’s drumming is way better on “Back In the USSR” and “Dear Prudence”…for some reason.

- On the post-1966 recordings, Paul sounds dead-er.

- On “I Feel Fine”, John sounds surprisingly agitated.

- Due to strict FCC guidelines, A Hard Day’s Night was only recorded from the waist up.

- At the fade-out of the Abbey Road final medley, you can hear Paul say “suckers, the love you take has little-to-no bearing on the love you make.”

- On “Yesterday”, you can hear John, George, and Ringo doing Sudoku in the corner.

- In the first few bars of "Across the Universe", Lennon can be heard uttering "I hope someone turns this song into a shitty movie one day!"

- Those chants at the end of “I Am the Walrus” are all the same guy.

- During “The Ballad of John and Yoko” you can actually hear Paul McCartney’s eyes rolling.

- During the harmonies on “Because”, you can hear Paul and John flicking each other off.

- Side 1 of Sgt. Pepper is actually the Monkees.

- On “All You Need Is Love”, you can hear Lennon counting money.

- The four original songs on the Yellow Submarine soundtrack were recorded over the phone.

- “I Me Mine” was actually recorded with lawyers present.

- Three minutes into "I Want You (She's So Heavy)", Ringo can clearly be heard taking a nap, but wakes up well refreshed for the final four minutes of the song.

- During “Within You Without You” you can actually hear John, Paul, and Ringo’s eyes rolling.

- Though they were not needed on the recording, John, George, and Ringo can be heard in the booth during “Blackbird”, just because Paul wanted them to watch.

- During the second orchestral climax in “A Day in the Life”, you can hear a British cellist’s head explode.

- At the end of “Strawberry Fields Forever”, John is definitely saying “cranberry sauce”, but while he’s saying it, he’s burying Paul.

- Ringo sounds really naked during most of Rubber Soul.

- During all of Magical Mystery Tour, you can hear George Martin’s eyes rolling.

Make Friends with Kool-Aid!

2009-06-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

This Kool-Aid commercial from 1966 just sends the wrong message...

A few things...

- No wonder Jimmy didn't have any friends - he's a dick! After Bugs Bunny provides him the Kool-Aid that gives him all his friends for some reason, he doesn't even share! Then abandons him for the friends who are clearly just using him for his 'Aid.

- After Jimmy says that no one's around, Bugs's logical solution is to make some Kool Aid. Now, I'm no expert, but I'd think there's a lot on a ten-year-old boy's list of things to do when no one's around that would be ahead of that...and may or may not include undressing your sister's Barbies.

- 0:28 -"Hey Johnny, you know what this picture really needs? Fat kid."

- All these kids just sort of materialize when Jimmy makes the Kool-Aid. One kid comes from a damn tree. A TREE.

- Somehow, the fact that Bugs Bunny is right there isn't as big a deal as the pre-sweetened sugar-water. It was the sixties, that kind of thing was a regularity. But Kool-Aid?! Hell, we gotta sneak into the yard of that kid we hate to get some of that.

I bet a lot of lonely children were duped into buying Kool-Aid in 1966.

Spot the Insensitive Person with No Soul or Heart!

2009-06-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

Birthday Booze, Blondes and Blowouts (and Spray Tans...but that didn't start with B)

2009-06-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

We get up every day for unique experiences, at least I'm pretty sure no one gets up hoping for a similar routine every day (Professional Lapdance-Getters Aside...cuz they exist). These unique experiences pepper and enrich our lives, shaping who we are and what we want out of our existence. I brought about a unique experience for several close friends this weekend. When planning an open bar for my birthday, because I wanted to take a year off from the standard McDonald's/magician combo, I contacted a guy I know who bartends at what I considered to be a pretty cool place. He said he could get me an open bar at not that bar, but the other bar he worked at. Hey, not bad, it's probably an equally cool place...why should I think otherwise, right?

Here are the reasons I should have thought otherwise:

- As I walked in, three guys who looked like Spencer Pratt stood at the bar with mojitos.

- As I asked who to talk to about the open bar, I was told "the guy at the front with the ponytail."

- It was in Murray Hill

- The manager explained to me that the open bar would begin at 10, "when the tv's go off, the lights dim, and we turn on the disco ball."

- The manager looked like Jeff Probst

- I had not realized at the outset that I was sharing this open bar with a "hot chick". I guess I was expected to just get an instant, uncontrollable boner when I heard this news, as the manager was very excited to tell me. However...

- Hot chicks are friends with tools, and...

- Tools travel in packs.

- The acquarium in the back which consisted of two of the most miserable looking turtles I've ever seen. I guess turtles never really look happy, but these turtles were miserable. I feel ya turtles.

- The manager asked me at one point what I wanted to drink, and heard my "Jack and coke" as "Jack and cock". Hilarity ensued. For him. For three solid minutes.

- "I didn't know if this was the right place. You'd never come here" was the first thing at least twelve of my guests said upon arrival.

- "We're...gonna get going" was the second thing at least fifteen people said upon arrival.

- Identifying my guests amidst the hot chick's guests was fairly easy. If I didn't see a blowout or bleached blonde hair in a particular spot, I assumed my friends were standing there.

- They had a plainclothes bathroom attendant. I started using a ladyfriend's Purell just to avoid him.

- The Yankees won, on a popup error, against the Mets, the game of which played on the one television that was still turned on. With guidos primarily split between Jersey/Long Island, there was nobody indifferent about that game, and they all expressed themselves. A "Let's Go Yankees" chant broke out, despite the fact that the game had just ended, and the television now had post-game lockeroom analysis.

- Lotsa Bon Jovi on the jukebox. Lotsa.

I have since been going around like an obligated sex-offender, apoligizing to any and all friends who attended. For in their own way, they were all violated and shall never truly be the same. However, their lives have also been secretly enriched, as none of them would have ever willingly been put in a similar situation. How's that for a shitty silver lining?

So, back to Mickey D's and balloon animals next year.

IRS - I Really Suckatmath

2009-06-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

So today, I had my first instance of my poor math skills resulting in something awesome. Alright, maybe they were not the direct cause of something awesome, but they did not result in a "C - You're terrible at this" mark from eight grade trig teacher Mr. Brook, which for math, is something of a first.

Let me explain...

So today, I receive two envelopes in the mail from the IRS. One of them is obviously my tax return, judging from the envelope. The other left me curious, as I could not imagine why the IRS would send me two things on the same day after going the whole year with nary a Christmas card. Anyway, I open this mystery letter to read the following...

Why We Are Sending You This Notice: We are writing to you because we made a change to your 2008 Federal Income Tax Return. We will explain why we made this change below.

Why We Made This Change: We computed your recovery rebate credit for you on Line 9 of Form 1040.

Now, I never claim to be a math wiz, or even a math guy-who's-decent-at-it, but numbers and myself have been natural born enemies since Sesame Street tried to teach me to count with that scary-ass singing orange. We go together like Susan Boyle and sanity (topical!). I am aware of this.

Unfortunately, the IRS obviously realizes this, as simple tax form calculations are not exactly long division. I find long division really hard. Therefore, they obviously looked at my form, had a good laugh at my easily-avoidable mistakes, and couldn't let the issue go. No, they needed to send out a separate form to remind me how bad I am at math. Really, the first draft of the form probably went like this...

Why We Are Sending You This Notice? Because you suck at math.

Why We Made The Change - Because you apparently can't handle simple addition, Ace.

Sure, I got a larger refund check that, due to my own failed computations, was a pleasant surprise. However, 'tis bittersweet, because now the IRS just thinks I'm a dumbass. However, I'm writing them back to set the record straight.

Dear IRS,

I've always been more of a History/English guy.

Love,

Michael

Platonic Dude Pickup?

2009-05-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning, I looked at my phone's recent received calls history. My mind's reaction went like this: "Wait...who the hell's Mike Sulli....ohhh right."

Going out to bars is something I like to think I've done a good amount of by this point in my life. Thus, when something happens while out that I've never had occur, a red flag goes up and I am as the French say, thrown for a loop. One of these things happened this past Saturday night at The Globe on the LES (Lower East Syclops). A longtime friend of mine is moving to LA for some unknown reason I can only imagine involves a love of jetlag, and the attendees of the bar were mostly her friends and coworkers. There, scene set.

I was standing at the bar, ordering a drink, and a dude standing next to me introduces himself as Mike. Oh hey, that's my name too, and I tell him. This guy gets really excited by that development. I'm not sure how he's gotten this far in life without realizing it's one of the most common male names between the years 1820-forever, but here we are.

Next, he asks me where I'm from. I say a little south of Boston, he says that he too is from Massachusetts. Again, lost of excitement from this guy. Too much. Keep in mind we were not excavating in the Andes (can you excavate there?), we were a three-hour Chinatown bus ride away from Mass. So again, not that unusual to run into someone from the area. Maybe I've just set the bar for excitement too high.

Then, he asks me where I live right now. I say Astoria, and he nearly flips a shit and says he lives sort of near there. Again, we were in Manhattan. There was a 1/4 chance that we lived in the same burrow (I refuse to count Staten, Long, or Jersey Island). Then, seamlessly...he asks for my number.

Now let me point out that this guy had his girlfriend there with him. He was clearly straight...or at least she was a very convincing beard, but the point remained...

I got picked up by a straight guy.

Now, I'm all for making new friends, but I mean, why get my number based on what our conversation had been up to that point? Is he gonna call so we can talk about how cool it is to have the same first name? Are we gonna exchange information on whether or not our parents call us "Michael"? Talk about how we sort of live near each other and verbally high five?

Well, it's been three days and he hasn't called. Just like a man. Am I right ladies? It's also annoying when they leave the seat up! Okay, SatC's on! L8taz!

Grape Expectations

2009-05-26T05:20:00.001-07:00

Ladies and mengentles, I would like to take a minute to address one of the greatest hoaxes of modern society; something that has occurred right under our very noses with nary a second guess from our perhaps overly-passive society. I'm speaking (obviously) of grape-flavored items that in fact do not taste like grape. Think about it - popsicles, Skittles, jelly beans, freakin' jelly (!!!) - all claiming to be grape-tasting, while you know as damn well as I do that you've never eaten a grape that tastes anything like a grape Skittle. Where are they getting these mystery "flavor grapes"? Is there a magic winery somewhere that harvests solid purple grapes for artificial flavoring and consumption? At this point, that's as good of a guess as any. Better than yours, you didn't even try!

The strange thing is, through this engraining of grape flavor from the liberal media on the public, I do believe that I have developed a fondness for "grape-flavored" items that far surpasses the flavor of actual grapes. And I'm sure you'd agree. Who doesn't open a box of Popsicle brand popsicles and first look for the one which sort of looks purple through the solid white plastic wrap? Or when given the option, select a refreshing grape slush puppy from the vast array of seemingly endless flavor selections at our local Astoria street fair? Yes, it's sad, but we as a society have been programmed so deeply to just roll with this fake grape flavor, that we've stopped asking questions, walking this earth blindly accepting the fact that grape flavored items have nothing to do with the fruit on which they are based. Not since Apple Jacks has such a fruit-related faux pas swept the nation.

Yes, I did write this with the idea of the title first.

New Tumblr Page! At last!

2009-05-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

I keep getting told by jerks that I should start a tumblr page. So I did it. Happy jerks?

It's called HadgeTastic, and on it, I tell America what is HadgeTastic and what is not so HadgeTastic in an effort to spark internet controversy and end up on Rachael Maddow somehow. Please visit often. I know you'll make the right choice.

HADGETASTIC!

Hey, we gotta start advertising Angels and Demons!

2009-05-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tom Hanks/Ron Howard/Dan Brown vehicle Angels and Demons waits in the cinematic wings to knock Wolverine out of the No. 2 spot at the box office this weekend. Obviously, the ad campaigns, TV spots, and Arby's promotional thermoses are going to be thrown at us, the public, like advertisements at...a public. However, I caught a TV spot today that mentioned what the critics are saying about Angels and Demons. The list went like this:

"Better than the DaVinci Code...!"

...followed by an (I hope) unintentional awkward pause, and then the film title. It's almost as if the promotions people were saying "Yeah, we know...we aren't gonna see this either." Hailing that a sequel is better than the original in a trailer only ever works if the original was awesome. This worked for Spiderman, Toy Story, and the first four Land Before Time's. Here, the quote was probably taken from a critic's review that went something like this:

"Angels and Demons was, I don't know, I guess better than the DaVinci Code, but what isn't? That thing was a three-hour pile of Pope feces. Don't ask me how a pile can be three-hours long, that's not the point. I enjoyed my last three kidney stones better than the DaVinci Code. There's no way someone could take any of what I'm saying out of context!"

They really may as well have said...

"Critics are calling it 'Better than Something Really Boring and Unenjoyable"

"Critics are calling it 'Better than just taking thirteen dollars and throwing it in a wood chipper. Slightly."

"Critics are calling it 'Better than that time I accidentally got a boner in math class and had to stand up, but I was wearing sweatpants!'"

Saying a thing is better than a bad thing does not necessarily compliment that first thing. Anyway, if anyone sees it and its awesome, let me know. At the moment, I just know that one guys liked it better than something that was terrible.

Zombie Defense for Kids

2009-05-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

This video was passed onto my from a buddy. It takes place on what I guess is a Japanese game show, where I guess the goal is messing up Japanese children forever. Some kids are interviewed in a house, only to go outside to encounter an elaborately choreographed zombie attack. They go back into the house, where the zombie follows them (only after sending a note that he's coming seconds before he arrives)...I just...why am I describing this?

If this is normal treatment of Japanese children, Pearl Harbor and anime suddenly make a ton more sense.

Two Injured During Nicolas Cage Stunt Filming = SO Not Worth It

2009-05-05T12:42:00.001-07:00

http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/05/nicolas-cage-fi.html

Take a look above for a moment, if you will. For those of you who don't have that kind of time (if you're here...you do.), it appears as though two pedestrians were hurt during a stunt sequence being filmed in Times Square for the new Nicolas Cage film, The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Now, it appears as though their injuries were not that serious, but either way gang, that just ain't worth it. I mean, if your way outta this world was due to the successful filming of a sequence for a Nicolas Cage movie, you should demand a refund from God. If you were a necessary sacrifice for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, then you have a right to be pissed your whole afterlife. I'm giving you permission.

These poor people though, probably passed out in a hospital bed in Queens. They slowly start to regain consciousness, and everything's a bit foggy. Suddenly, they look up and in a foggy haze, they make out the empathetic face of Nicolas Cage.

Injured Guy (I.G.): Wha...where am I...wow, you're Nicolas Cage!

Nicolas Cage (N.C.): That's right, little partner! You feelin' alright?

I.G.: Yeah, my legs are pretty broke and I can't remember who my family is, but I feel great now that you're here!

N.C.: That's great to hear, son.

I.G.: What happened, Mr. Cage?

N.C.: Well son, you were collateral damage of an awesome stunt sequence for my next box office smash.

I.G.: Oh...really?

N.C.: ...Yes.

I.G.: So, my injuries could easily have been avoided?

N.C.: Probably. But then we'd have to do a second take...so thank you for that.

I.G.: Well, I don't have health insurance...are you guys gonna pay for this?

N.C.: No, but we'll put a Dedicated To...at the end of the credits.

I.G.: But I'm not dead!

N.C.: I didn't say it'd be for you. But hey, here's a free autographed copy of Ghost Rider on dvd. I know you can't get up, so I'll just go ahead and put it on your TV and press play. I've also got it set so that when it ends, it'll just start back over again!

I.G.: No, that's alright...

N.C.: And don't forget to catch The Sorcerer's Apprentice - in theaters this Christmas!

(he exits, Injured Guy pulls his own plug)

Did I mention The Sorcerer's Apprentice is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer?

Age Old Question

2009-05-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had a dream that I bought an egg. But this wasn't any normal egg, no sir. This was a magical egg that transforms into a chicken at random times. Then, after it's a chicken, it again magically transformed into an egg. I would see this egg go from chicken to egg many times. Chicken, egg, chicken, egg, chicken...egg...chicken...egg. I then realized after waking up that this evokes the age old question: "Why can't I just dream about naked girls?"

Tommy and the Cool Mule - TRAILER PREMIERE

2009-04-28T12:56:00.001-07:00

For those of you not in the industry (or who don't read Dan Hopper's bestweekever.tv), this trailer must be brought to your attention. This long anticipated film is the classic kid-must-save-farm-so-he-races-using-jive-talking-mule-voiced-by-Ice-T story.

But, I've said too much now. See for yourself...

I'll see YOU in the ticket line (if you need a ticket for direct-to-DVD productions)!

The Half-Meet

2009-04-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks, I've had a few disturbingly similar situations come up. Maybe this is a new trend that I missed the Gossip Girl episode for, but let me paint you the scenario.

Okay, so I'm at a social get together with friends. At said get together, there are friends of my friends whom I do not yet know. So, as is typically common practice, I move to introduce myself. The exchanges have gone something like this...

ME: "Hey, how's it going? I'm Mike."

(shakes their hand)

PARTY #2: "Nice to meet you Mike."

ME: "....."

PARTY #2: "....."

ME: "...so...you have a name?"

PARTY #2: "Oh, I'm Tom/Phil/Dumbass/It Doesn't matter"

Yes, apparently introductions no longer require the second party to disclose a name of any kind. I can understand the paranoia in the post-9/11 world in which we live, but the fact that this occurred several times over the past few weeks struck me as odd. Has anyone else been a victim of this - the Half-Meet?

This Is Crap!

2009-04-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

Alright, that's enough America! I've friggin had it! First you tell me that kicking pigeons is illegal, and now this! Look, this "swine flu" idea is cute and all, but don't for a second tell me that I can't go to Mexico! Oh, while we're at it, why don't you take away my right to free speech, bear arms, and kick pigeons. Oh wait, you already did that with one of those three things!

I mean, I had my bags all packed - loaded with sombraros, maracas, and chimichonga sauce. My iPod was loaded with Los Lobos. I had already booked my back-of-a-flatbed truck with no return plan. However, you've ruined my Mexican getaway America, and for that I simply cannot forgive you!

Sure, maybe this swine flu thing is a big deal! And maybe we as a people should just give up hanging out with barn animals on the whole, but if the risk of the disease is Mexican utopia, then I for one am willing to take that risk.

When I voted for Obama, I voted for change. I did not however vote to blockade myself from potential Mexican paradise. So, if anyone needs me, I'll be in Texas, sneaking over the boarder, where siestas, tacos, senioritas, loco gatos, and other nouns in Spanish I don't know undoubtably await.

Enjoy "America", everyone else!

Fast and Furious - Where to next?

2009-03-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

A new The Fast and the Furious film is coming out. I'm pretty sure this is the fourth sequel after the original, 2 Fast 2 Furious and The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Finally, Vin Diesel is back in the franchise and to celebrate, they've dropped the identifyers from the title of the original, perfecting a title that was, I think we can all now admit, a little identifyer heavy.

However, with such a slightly-different and not clever sequel title, I am surprised the studio did not think that this would confuse audiences into thinking the film was a remake or a very subtle pornographic knockoff. This also got me thinking that if the franchise continues along this path, they may be strapped for titles, since the current trend forces them to utilize very-slight variations on the same theme. However, a quick internet seach revealed some upcoming sequel titles for the franchise all currently in pre-production.

Take a look:

"5 Fast 5 Furious"

"A Fast and A Furious"

"Faster and Furiouster"

"Fast and Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"Some Fast and Some Furious"

"The Fast and the Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"A Fast and a Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"The Fast and 2 Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"Some Fast and Furious: Kahuna Breeze"

"The Fast and the Furious 2"

"Fast"

"Furious"

"Neither"

I mean, they'll probably be Netflix rentals for this guy.

Best Extended Use of My Name Ever

2009-03-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

This is staggering. The parents of this chick I know Whitney attended the Zach Braff Mysteries last week and demanded that they let me know through e-mail. What took place was amazing. Observe...

"Whitney,

Please forward this message to Hadge or AKA: Badge (Bad Hadge) or Madge (Mad Hadge) or Bondadge (Spy Hadge) or Bandadge (The Group) or Fadge (you just never know) or Steeradge (in the lowest decks of a ship) or Homadge (Yoga Hadge) or Gadge ( one 'T' short of a thing you can use) or Smadge (just a little more than a pinch) or Snadge (oopsie!) or Dosadge (2 Spanish Hadges) or Mileadge (Jazz Hadge) or Groupadge (Hadge Fans) or Manadge (in the gym) or Piladge (on exstacy) or Beveradge (the fertile triangle) or Camophlage (hard to see in the woods) or Assembladge (Christmas in Boston with family) or Sewadge (Lawyer Hadge) or Overadge (airplane joke) or Bagadge (at the store shopping) or Cleveadge (Ohio Hadge) or (my personal favorite) Advantadge (clever new marketing scheme crafted by Hadge while enlisting the help of a very good friend with a van)

Hadge,

We truly enjoyed your show. Next time we'll be sure to stay. Our best,
Your Two New Biggest Fans,
roy & Cathie(Whitney's Dad & Mom)"

Dosadge = 2 Spanish Hadge's?! Insane. And brilliant.

The World Baseball Classic Must Be Stopped

2009-03-19T06:52:00.001-07:00

The World Baseball Classic needs to be stopped. Like American Idol, what started as a fun, cutesy idea has quickly descended into an inevitable path towards career-damaging destruction. Sure, its fun to wear uniforms with your country’s flag on it, but spring training should prepare players for the upcoming season, not give them infinitely more chances for them to be handicapped in time for it. This past week, Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedroia, the only two probably-going-to-be-productive Red Sox hitters, both succumbed to injuries during the (not at) all important WBC, and for what? Literally, no reason. The WBC ranks somewhere between Sunday afternoon bowling and the WNBA finals in terms of sports relevancy. Anybody who watched it probably didn’t mean to, because they were in a bar and ESPN Classic was only showing Bronx Is Burning reruns. So, why risk the health of players that matter for a competition that totally doesn’t?

The World Baseball Classic has a history for notoriously ruining the seasons of Sox players. Somehow, nobody’s sensed a pattern. In 2006 (I think…) Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched brilliantly for Japan but somehow ran out of steam somewhere in July for the Sox because oops, someone forgot that Japanese players are already only used to pitching a portion of a normal MLB season. Therefore, he was already guaranteed to run out of steam late-summer, but thanks to the WBC that timeframe was magically shifted to mid-summer. Mike Timlin was a solid veteran reliever who was clearly on the decline in 2007, who what better way to adequately prepare him for a season in which he will undoubtedly need to take things slow and easy to be effective? If you said have him exert a lot of energy way earlier in the year when it doesn’t at all matter, you’re on the nose my friend. His regular season consisted of several trips to the DL, and an ERA of about 8.

Now to have this happen to Youk and Pedroia is enraging in the fact that nobody could see this coming. Nobody stopped to say “woah guys, I don’t know – we’ve already got a pretty injured team. Maybe you ought to sit this one out so you can contribute to our already depleted lineup.” Nope. Instead they probably said “Yeah, Cowboy Up! Show those non-Patriotic bastards who’s boss!” as that damn “Proud to be an American…” song blasted through the clubhouse. It now occurs to me that probably-actually-37 David Ortiz also played in the WBC.

What baseball really should do is have each country represented by players that have no shot of making their respective teams out of camp. Sure, America wouldn’t do great, but I’d sleep much better knowing that the likes of Josh Bard, Chris Smith, or Lars Anderson were out there risking season-limiting injury. I think AA Trenton will recover.

If the WBC accomplished something – anything – I may be more forgiving. Say what you will about the All Star game determining homefield advantage in the World Series, but it does inject the game with a certain amount of stake and urgency. At least make it so whoever wins the WBC doesn’t have to watch Frank TV ads during their country’s playoff broadcasts. Or maybe the losers have to take on Tim McCarver as their permanent color-commentator. Or maybe just make it so the winning country does not have to participate in the WBC ever again. That I could get behind.

Those Snickers Ads Made Me Mad Today. Real Mad.

2009-03-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

If you've been outside recently in New York, you've seen those damn snickers ads. What started last year as a quasi-but-not-really-that-clever series of puns and twisted phrases has quickly transformed into a eh-fuck-it-let's-stop-trying series of puns and phrases. The campaign basically goes by the logic that any two words can be combined, regardless of any sort of clever connection. Check some of these out...

"Sign up for a Hungerectomy"- This one is the least-worst offender by just being pretty terrible.

"Enroll in Chocollege" - This one is just sort of there. Why even print this?

"Learn to speak Snacklish" - Is it supposed to be based on the word "English"? "Spanish"? Cuz "snack" has nothing to do with anything.

"Book an appointment with Doctor Feedzmore" - why?! what does this mean?!

"Ride on The Ate Train"- there's not even an actual "8 Train"! THIS MEANS NOTHING AND MAKES ME THE MADDEST!

I mean, even if these are supposed to be parodying their old ad campaign, they totally fail at any brand of irony! All it does is frustrate the viewer to the point of repeatedly kicking that guy who got on at Lexington/59th who was standing next to me at the time. Also, it basically just says that Snickers has given up on us. They see the use of anything clever as wasted so they've just stopped making attempts.

I'll miss you, not-retarded Snickers ads.

The War on Indie

2009-03-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

I was just informed that my improv practice group would be considered “indie”. This got me to thinking. We have never put on a show or developed a following. Hell at this point we don’t even have a group name. I suppose technically, this falls under the definition, but doesn’t that make us more “obscure”, “unknown” or “non-factor”. The term “indie” has gotten out of hand. Once used to refer to unsigned bands and movies featuring Ryan Gosling, the term can now essentially be used to label anything that’s not represented by Viacom.

There are just too many questions about the term…

Am I indie because I’ve never costarred with George Clooney in anything?’

Are the Florida Marlins indie because their attendance figures are poor?

Is Osama Bin Laden indie because his videos only reach a limited audience?

Are my pants indie because only I’ve worn them?

Is my rash indie because only I know about it?

Is my sandwhich indie because only I’m going to eat it?

Is my mom indie because she’s not society’s mom?

Are my dreams indie because they feature three guys from Fleet Foxes?

Is that copy of Pearl Harbor on dvd at my house indie because it hasn’t been opened yet?

Hats are not indie, but is the my poem about hats indie?

CONCLUSION: “Indie” is just a term developed to help people who live in Brooklyn cope with the idea that they are unsigned. The end. Sorry I got so worked up before...

The whole U2 at Fordham thing...

2009-03-06T09:18:00.001-08:00

Fordham got some much craved coverage on Good Morning America this morning when it featured U2 performing on the steps of Keating Hall. Previously, the steps of Keating Hall had featured such acts as “douche freshman playing his guitar”, “drunk couple having sex at 4 AM”, and “me drunkenly playing Oregon Trail on a friend’s laptop while eating Ritz crackers.” Nevertheless, U2 was up to the challenge of following these legends, captivating an entire crowd of students and alumni gathered on Eddie’s parade and no doubt pissing off the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah crowd who were jonesing for a game of ultimate Frisbee.

I admit – this one’s been a long time coming for Fordham, whose sole pinpoint of recognition is that a character from Spin City supposedly attended. If one were to tune into Good Morning America and see Fordham, they may be impressed that such a school can land an act such as big as U2. They may even send their kid there, thinking that the forty-two grand a year would undoubtedly be worth for the surely frequent U2-caliber experiences. To be fair though, Good Morning America should have really supplied the list of bands which had appeared at Fordham immediately prior to U2. This list includes (but is not limited to) Yellowcard, Lifehouse, Third Eye Blind, Sister Hazel, Ghostface Killa, Busta Rhymes, and those two Mariachi guys who frequent the 6 Train.

I can’t help but wonder what prompted U2 to choose Fordham as their GMA college. I suppose the Jesuit (Bono likes religion) thing could have helped, but I strongly suspect they just haven’t heard of Columbia. Consequently, it is also possible that U2 were simply told that they were at Columbia. Or at least at America’s only college. Not once during the performance did I catch Bono, etc. ever mention Fordham by name. Sure, the term “college” was amply used, as well as the idea of college on the whole. Still, the curious lack of specifics only supports my theory that they had no idea where they were.

Another possibility was that McShane sent U2 the same recruitment pack he sends scouted high school seniors. I admit it, that pamphlet and vidfomercial makes Fordham look and sound fantastic. I can totally see the Edge watching it and thinking “wow, small classes and a well rounded Jesuit education, there’s something I can definitely rock out to!” However, like many of us, I’m sure upon their campus arrival U2 was wondering what happened to all the hot girls from the vidfomercial.

Then again, maybe they just couldn’t get NYU. Sigh.

The Birth of the Zach Braff Mysteries

2009-02-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated this thing in awhile, so I figure hey, might as well update this thing. Tomorrow (Feb. 15th...the bastard child stuck in the Friday the 13th/Valentine's Day/President's Day juggernaut) is the first of hopefully several Zach Braff Mysteries, a comedy-variety show hosted by yours truly('s sketch troupe, Robert's 2nd).

For those of you who read this, but aren't facebook friends with me or talk to me ever, here are the details...

The Zach Braff Mysteries
Sunday, Feb 15th - 7PM
The City @ The Broadway Comedy Club
318 53rd Street - New York, America
$5 + Drink

I for one am looking quite forward to it, as its an opportunity to put pretty much anything on stage in front of an audience. Did someone say "Fringe" re-enacted with finger puppets? I might have.

Be there y'allz!

Chain Letter Blues (revisited)

2009-01-18T13:02:00.001-08:00

Yeah, nothing. I feel like a damn fool.

Chain Letter Blues

2009-01-15T16:46:00.001-08:00

We all get desperate, and history has shown that desperate times call for similarly-labeled measures. While our judgment becomes slightly clouded through these times, we turn to religion, drugs and Lifetime made-for-tv “events”. However, when none of those things are readily available, we turn to whatever’s around. You see, I have been waiting to hear back on quite a few employment opportunities, and though temp jobs have been holding me over, to receive some positive news on even one of them would be a large (as the saying goes) monkey off my ass. It has just been quite some time since a bit of good fortune has come my way.

Then I noticed an electronic message (or “e-mail”) in my inbox from a few days ago – a chain letter sent by my aunt. That’s right – a chain letter, one of the most obnoxious side-effects of the internet, nuzzled softly between Perez Hilton and Hamster Dance. Now, normally I ain’t one to pay these kooky chain letters any mind, but this one dealt with the concept of luck. It was a Chinese proverb that claimed if I forwarded the message to twenty people, I would receive some great news tomorrow. Hot damn, I thought, that’s a day I could conceivably find out about a certain employment opportunity! Of course, I would have had no reason to follow the chain mail’s instructions, but it said a guy who sent it made ninety-nine million dollars the next day. Additionally, a guy who did not send it lost his job! Though they used no names or specifics, this was good enough for me. Had my unemployment been the direct result of not sending out this or previous chain letters? Was I that guy in the letter who lost his job? While the possibility seems far-fetched, there was little to suggest otherwise. Either way, I couldn’t take any more chain letter-related chances.

I proceeded to forward my first ever chain letter to twenty people who I believed would be most forgiving, including immediate family, friends, and New York comedy-club newsletters that had it coming. Though I throughout my life have immediately added anyone who has sent me a chain letter to a very exclusive but ever-growing “To Murder” list, I assured the recipients of this chain letter would be far more emotionally stable than myself.

So there, I’ve finally put my fate in the hands of a chain letter. I either signed up for eternal success or put myself at the top of twenty “To Murder” lists. Am I proud of sinking so low as to continue spreading a chain letter – which has to be in the same ballpark as continuing the cycle of violence or racism? Not really, but again, these times are approaching desperate. Plus, I could be ninety-nine million dollars richer tomorrow! Then who’ll be laughing? (me)

The Mike Hadge Trio - "Boner [at the Pediatrician's]"

2009-01-04T19:45:00.001-08:00

There's a new Mike Hadge Trio song online, America. Start 2009 off the right way!

Video produced by Spyke Jonez.

Enjoy! (like you can't!)