I invest way too much in what fortune cookies have to tell me. I’m serious, days have been built around the fortunes I’ve received in those little devils. Knowing that my very fate is determined based on what cookie I choose can be a little nerve wracking, and as led to many a psychiatrist bill. Either way, given the fact that I am a young adult, lost in the world, confused, still deciding whether or not to have a career, a fortune cookie can hold a good chunk of the answers. And it’s worked before, that’s the thing. I just hate when they put in those damn fortunes that are just statements. Like “you are an astute observer of qualities”. Oh really? Thanks. “You have been a good acquaintance” – no shit? Wow. Guess I can quit my job now. Please, dear cookie, don’t waste both of our time. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, but I will eat you very soon. I just want some life advice, and I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. Really, it’s your entire purpose. That’s like me walking into a doctor’s office and him going “you have diabetes – now get out!” I know the problem, fix it!
That being said, here are some fortunes that I would welcome finding after I've split the stale sugary goodness open. Its simple really, for those Chinese restaurant owners who frequent this blog (don't pretend you don't exist!) - just print out this page, and cut out each of these fortunes into neat little rectangles, slap a bullshit Chinese translation on the back, stuff it in a cookie and voila! You can pay me later, I do have a PayPal account. Anyway, enjoy:
You are astute and smell nice.
‘Tis wise to present oneself with pants on. Usually.
Just give up, seriously.
_____ in bed.
Your name is Ray Washington and you have two kids and a blue car. No? Damn, but still, how cool would that have been?
Responsibility leads to admiration. Admiration leads to confidence. Confidence leads to pride. Pride leads to damnation. Good luck.
You achieve great peace of mind when you talk with an old friend. Then you realize he stole your wallet. Have an affair with his wife.
You are never selfish with advice or your help, but “everything will turn out okay” is getting really goddamn old, buddy.
The first step to success is spirit. And money. Can’t forget money.
You have AIDS. Sorry you had to find out this way. Enjoy the cookie!
You don’t care what they say; Raising Helen is an enjoyable guilty pleasure.
A fortune cookie fortune will make you suddenly depressed for some reason because of its vagueness.
You under-tipped the delivery guy, don’t think I didn’t notice.
A pleasant surprise awaits you. The baby wasn’t yours!
Your car sucks, buy a better one.
Congratulations! You’ve just selected the one-millionth fortune cookie, and will thus be rewarded one million dollars! (Jk!)
Two words - Pyramid schemes.
You will be contacted by a long lost lover. She wants her stuff back.
Don’t tempt fate, she is a fickle wench. She’s probably just leave you for your better looking half-brother anyway.
Never mix beer with milk, seriously. I’m still feeling that one.
On that show Lost, they're all clones. You read it here first.
This cookie will go straight to your thighs.
Brenda, if you end up getting this, I thought we really connected last night. Shoot me an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
A generous gift awaits you from a loved one. It’ll be another goddamn ugly-ass sweater from Grammy, which she made so you can’t return it anywhere.
Self-respect is step one in a nine step-program of success and a twenty-one step program of failure.
Take up smoking, you’ll look cooler.
A tingly feeling awaits you while viewing ESPN2’s log rolling competition.
People find much to like about you. (throws up)